I have very little energy—much less than usual and it’s a chronic and serious issue already.
Today I talked to my journalist friend who is following my story. He told me everyone he’s interviewed for his book who was detoxing from benzos at one time or another said, “I felt like I was dying.”
I tell my husband that almost everyday lately. I hadn’t told the journalist yet, though, he told me that in order I might find consolation in knowing others felt the same. He could sense I felt that way.
And indeed, I do feel like I’m dying. My body in horrible pain, I’m often curled up in the fetal position. In those most dark and ugly moments I really wish my body would just shut down and die as it feels it’s doing in any case. I don’t want the pain anymore.
This, I remind, or tell new readers, for me is not just benzo withdrawal. It’s the tail end of a withdrawal off 6 psychotropic drugs—all dosed at astronomical high doses. The benzo being the ugliest part of the journey.
The journalist remarks that this frequent refrain, “I felt like I was dying,” is different from all the other drugs I’ve detoxed from, though I can tell you they were all hellish in different ways and I believe it’s the Lamictal withdrawal that landed me in bed and disabled me. He said he’s seen that before too. You can see Lamictal withdrawal stories here. That post has now gotten more than 15,000 hits. You know people are looking for info on Lamictal withdrawal.
Breggin in his book recommends coming off the benzo last if one is on a cocktail because the benzo withdrawal is the most brutal and ugly of withdrawals. He says that if you manage to get off everything else you will have toughened yourself up to withstand the particular hell of the benzo withdrawal. This is a generalization, of course, there are some who do not have troubles coming off of benzos even after many years of use. And some of those people DO have a horrible time with some other drug or drugs.
In any case, I can’t finish it alone and I’m off to a state of the art, very fru-fru detox center that uses IV nutrients and amino acids to take the edge off. Researched this very thoroughly. It’s not in the least bit a traditional sort of detox. Family is footing the bill. I’m deeply grateful. I realize how profoundly lucky I am. So many people are more like my friend and often have no one at all to help them.
My friend is at least very resourceful and does have friends helping her besides just myself. Her church too is still pitching in as well.
So she is still raising money and may go to a different detox in CA that I also referred her to as the director is a good friend of mine and is willing to charge her less. It’s not an option for me because I can’t fly. I need to be able to lay down while driving. I cannot sit because my blood pressure is so low I get very ill if I sit for more than a few minutes, so I cannot go to my friend’s detox center.
She is still working on getting her cash and is well towards the amount she needs. Feel free to donate still, she hasn’t gotten there yet.
My mom will be here Monday. Tues and Wed we drive—-I’ve set up the car so that I lay on a futon with the seat down and my feet going into the trunk.
Thursday I have a complete work-up by a woman doctor who spent an hour on the phone with me for FREE just for assessment purposes!! Not too many docs do that these days. She is an alternative doc that seems to have integrity and seemed very open to, well, being open and not having all the answers.
I will have a huge work-up done — tests I’ve always wanted but still not done. Heavy metal toxicity, hormones for the whole month–testing levels every day! And all sorts of other stuff. The detox program will make me feel somewhat better from all accounts but it won’t heal the gross damage that has been incurred by all the 37 drugs I was on the last 20 years—6 of those drugs long term at very high doses—recovery will still be a long process but hopefully this horrible pain and nausea will at least remit and I will start being able to walk around and drive again.
How to finish off recovery is what these tests will hopefully reveal…an answer as to how to recover from the drug damage.
Okay…I could write more but I’m too sick. Nauseous as hell. Being propped up in bed to write this is now also too much. It’s amazing how fast I went from being semi-functional in bed to having to spend most of the day completely flat or curled up.
I will try to continue posting little updates of news items as usual. I also have lots of “quotes of the day” saved up. I can do my research lying flat off and on when I feel less sick.
They’re telling me I will feel better quite quickly once I have the IV nutrients in me. So maybe I’ll be able to do normal posting once I’m at the center. Come Tuesday and Wednesday I’ll be in the car a good part of the day, but the hotels we’ll be staying in will have wireless as will the detox center.
So I’ll be around, but I may not be answering comments and questions and emails because it’s just too much. This is not carefully written or thought out…I’ll try to let you know more another time.
I’m not rereading this so forgive typos and bad sentence structure.