Dr. Fred Luskin, the director of the trailblazing Stanford University Forgiveness Projects, shares what he has learned from two decades of helping people let go of their grudges. This clip is from the Science of a Meaningful Life speaker series, sponsored by the UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center.
An excerpt from a lovely article based on the above talk on relationships by Dr. Fred Luskin:
So the question is: Are you willing to put up with your partner’s bad qualities? If you’re not, leave. But the bad qualities are the test of the relationship; your commitment is to their bad qualities. You don’t have to commit to their good stuff. You just do that, that’s pleasant. If somebody wants to cook me dinner, how much of a commitment does it take to show up? Right? Or having my laundry done. I can deal with that. I can show up for that any time you want.
But, if they’re defensive in a fight, for example, that’s when your commitment comes in. That’s where the choice comes in. They’re going to be defensive; that’s who they are. Maybe you can help them, maybe you can’t. They’re going to bring their issues all the time. But are you willing to forgive the fact that they bring these particular issues?
Because one thing is for sure: You are going to be with somebody who brings issues. When you choose a partner, you’re just choosing which issues you’re willing to negotiate with.
Books by Fred Luskin: