I’m pretty flat right now. A lot is going on in my life, and I feel completely uninspired to write.
I saw the “new psychiatrist.” She was alright. She is recommending a bunch of tests, but I probably won’t get around to actually having them done until all is over with my brother. She thought what I have managed to do essentially on my own (with the help of internet resources) was quite remarkable (most notably cutting out over half my meds–more meds then most anyone is ever on–and staying relatively stable.) She only made one change in my nutritional regime and also insisted I cut out the black tea (caffeine) entirely. I knew that was inevitable. So today I’m struggling with horrible cravings and I can’t tell if I want a cigarette or a cup of tea–addictions are weird–I wasn’t smoking recently–it comes up associated with the caffeine. In any case, I intend to not succumb to either craving. But I’m feeling rather sorry for myself. I’m not sure if anyone can appreciate how incredibly difficult it is for me to cut out caffeine. I know most people have much worse problems cutting out sugar and cigarettes (if not the harder stuff.) It is the caffeine now, that is making me crave the cigs. Caffeine is the killer addiction for me.
I have been having regular daily crying jags over my brother and a dark shroud hangs over me. Every now and then I have a couple of hours when I forget. Those are blessed times. I occasionally laugh or have some fun or productive time without the shroud.
I will after all, most probably, be traveling cross country in about a week and a half or two. It does look like he will manage to get to California to die. His wish, and therefore, mine.
Not sure what the future of this blog will be in the next few weeks to few months will be, but I don’t by any means intend to abandon it. I may simply not have the concentration or peace of mind to update regularly. It does, however, for now often help a lot to spend time writing and reading related stuff on the internet. I had a clear day last week and wrote three pieces in one day. If I can have a day like that from time to time, then the blog will get updated at least semi-regularly. If things get too heavy with family stuff, well, then perhaps the site will go silent for a while.
Many of you have either made comments or sent emails of support regarding my situation with my brother, which I really appreciate.
I’ll try to write something later, but for now I am feeling the pain of my reality and do not have the peace of mind to find any creativity. I do keep on surprising myself however, and I hope that continues–hopefully starting later on today!