My Neurofeedback visit

I saw my neuro-psychologist, the guy who does my neurofeedback for the first time in about a month yesterday. What with running back and forth to CA plus his own time off it had been a while. I also saw my therapist after that.

The night before and for a day or two before that I had slipped into really negative thinking. I was obviously mentally ill, I thought. All my work had been for nothing. This couldn’t be just grief–I was really feeling nuts. I felt desperate because I know the drugs don’t work, but if none of what I’m currently doing works either, where can I get hope?

I was curious to get to neurofeedback because my doctor can look at my EEG and tell me if depression is expressed on the EEG–looking at the ratio of slow to fast waves indicates depression, mania or stability. He’s told me in the past that grief does not necessarily change these waves–though for people predisposed to depression it can trigger it. Grief alone is different from depression, however. So I wanted to know. Was I crazy, or was it, after all, just grief.

Well, apparently, my ratio of slow to fast brain waves is normal. I am not depressed. I am grieving. He reminded me how out of whack my brain waves were when I first came to him. I did not feel any immediate relief, as I, in any case, feel like shit. But slowly relief did later wash over me. At first though I just asked my neuro-psychologist who is also a therapist, but not mine, “if this is just grief, why do I seem to be taking it harder than anyone else in my family?” He responded that with the withdrawals my system is already taxed to just about the maximum. This added external stress is simply pushing me to a natural limit. Also I told him about all the abuse memories resurfacing and he agreed that those too would add an additional stress.

My neurologist was also quick to point out that he would expect, given my history, that I would indeed have been triggered into depression resulting in more slow brain wave activity and he encouraged me that I was certainly doing something right. I left the office feeling philosophical but not entirely relieved.

My next stop was my therapist, where I reported that apparently I had nothing “pathologically” wrong with me according to the EEG. She added that I would certainly find this situation harder than my family members, because not only did I have withdrawal symptoms, but I also had never learned to cope with feelings being that I was drugged out and numbed out for so many years. At that point I finally started feeling relieved. I am going through something natural. It’s incredibly painful, but it will pass. And all the hard work with lifestyle changes are working.

I am in recovery. My EEG shows stable brain wave activity. What I am doing is working. My life just happens to be fucked right now, and well, as the saying goes, “shit happens.” And it happens to everyone, not just the mentally ill.

For more on neurofeedback see here and here.