So I mentioned in a comment on someone else’s blog I might not continue writing. And I may not, but for the time being I will continue with the purpose of this blog which is to document my journey off meds.
At the moment I’m terribly disillusioned. I have withdrawal effects that have lasted about two months since my last Risperdal taper. I made two tapers after not tapering Risperdal for several months (having switched to Lamictal for a few months when the going got rough the last time I was doing Risperdal) The two tapers consisted of a total of 1/8 mg. I did a water titration at 1/16 mg two weeks apart. That’s a mighty small dose and I’m still feeling it. Breggin recommends tapers no bigger than 10%. Well those tapers were more like 2.5% which is often considered normal in some of my withdrawal groups–but holy crap–we are truly talking YEARS to withdraw here and I may have given that fact lip service but it truly sounds unbearable right now. I’ve already been at it 3 years (only one that has been really intense–but it’s not supposed to get easier towards the end–it gets harder and it’s still looking like it’s a least two years if not more away.)
My brother’s dead and my PMS is so nasty I can barely stand it. How do I continue?
I feel deflated. I no longer feel confident. I have no idea if what I want is possible. Can I get off all the drugs??
Someone left a comment on my blog today. It’s basically an advertisement for a clinic in San Fransisco that withdraws people from psych meds. I called them. They claim to do it in 10 weeks for a mere $10,000. Maybe it works for some people but I quizzed the guy on the phone and I seemed to know more than he did. He was shocked when I told him I’d had a bad reaction to SAMe. Considering I heard from at least 6 – 10 people about SAMe doing frightening things to them when I wrote about my experience here, I’d hope that someone running a clinic would have at least as much experience as I have. I can’t believe I somehow reached a bizarre percentage of people who had bad reactions to SAMe. And 10 weeks to get off of drugs? How can they possibly sell themselves that way. They’ve got to be full of crap. I checked out their dietary and nutritional guidelines and they are very similar to mine. They have some sauna deal that they add in–claims of sweating out the toxins.
He was not the doctor and from doing some research it seems possible that the doctor may know what he is doing–but I remain highly skeptical. I tried calling his office, but he was out of town. I’ll interrogate him too. It’s a desperate attempt for some hope. I want more direction. I’m tired of feeling like I’m walking in the dark. But no more walking into a doctors office without an interrogation. No more wasting money. I’m starting to think they are all full of shit whether labeled conventional or alternative. They have a box and if you don’t fit in you’re out of luck. (oh, to make things clear–I’m not in the least bit entertaining the residential stay–that is insane and probably dangerous but I am curious to pick the guys brain on nutrition and diet–he does consultations by phone and my family lives near him so I could conceivably see him if I needed to.)
The best information I get is on the internet. Here on this blog and others and in the email groups I’m part of. Those of us in withdrawal, those of us having completed withdrawal, and those of us seeking alternatives together. Why do I want a person I can see in the flesh to tell me I’m doing it right? Why do I still hope there is an expert out there that I can talk to on a regular basis and feel guided by?
I’m back home and the business of living my life is staring at me in stark contrast to my brother’s death and it’s finality.
What should I do with this temporary gift called life? I need some ideas. Right now I’m doing nothing that makes me feel like I could possibly say I’ve lived a life worth living.
Take this post for what it’s worth. My rage and pain in grief. I’m showing it to you for the sake of “documenting” my journey.
Post script: My husband just read this post. He made an interesting observation. He said I didn’t sound as dispirited in my writing as I seem to be in the present communicating with him. When I reread it it seemed kind of powerful and loud to me. The truth is I am dispirited, but I wrote this post from my heart too. I clearly have conflicted feelings and I don’t think I show the truly dispirited part of myself on this blog hardly ever. She is here inside me though right now, feeling great despair.
Let’s hope a brighter post awaits us all.