I’m learning to fly

I’m optimistic and feeling consistently healthier even after a whopping 35% cut in Lamictal in a two week time period. I’m down to 125 mg from a high of 400 mg.

This song makes me think of the life ahead of me. Full of promise and hope but not completely without trepidation.

11 thoughts on “I’m learning to fly

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  1. Roman,
    You’re suffering from multiple cold-turkey withdrawals. Is there any way you can afford some help? It could take several years to heal from such an insult. If you can get some good healing food and supplements it might help, but you should have guidance…

    I’m terribly sorry for what your doctor did to you. It’s truly criminal…

    I encourage you to not lose hope though and take special care of your body and find someone to help you.

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  2. UGH!

    Last year I was working for Amazon (only for the holiday season). I had quit my previous full-time job because it was an unhealthy environment, psychologically. The shifts at Amazon were twelve hour 3rd shifts. I barely had time to sleep and eat (yet still better than the job before). The work was exhausting. I had no health insurance, and I had been in the process of getting assistance with the Partnership for Prescription Drug Assistance. Just when ALL the paperwork was about to get the “green-light”, my doctor decided that he was going to require me to visit his office. It was time to “renew my prescriptions”.

    In addition to my impossible schedule, he was only in his office 3 days a week. I expressed to him that I would happily make an appointment, but that it couldn’t be done until after December. Due to my inability to make an appointment during that time, he decided to cut me off, FLAT.

    Seroquel
    Lamictal (which I am STILL reducing–from my 10/22/07 refill)
    Effexor XR
    AND Diazepam

    Needless to say I had a row with him, finally resulting in me threatening malpractice, for abandonment.

    The Diazepam has never been an issue. I eventually escaped the grasp of Seroquel and Effexor, on my own. I had decided to NEVER be a drug slave again, and to FIGHT my demons.

    Since the first of the year I have been suffering from crippling suicidal depression. I had discovered the Lamictal withdrawal was the culprit. Over the past week or so I have really begun to feel like I am finally escaping the evil Lamictal grip. I’m down to 37.5mg a week. The depression seems to finally be relenting… that is, until TODAY.

    Being gay, the former psychiatrist I had chosen, was also gay. Today my city had its first gay pride festival ever. Guess who I ran in to? Yep. Our eyes met from about 15-20 feet away.

    I wanted to choke his head off, or scratch his eyes out, or just beat him to a pulp for destroying the last six months of my life; for making me walk the razor’s edge of life and death. But at that very moment, a festival vendor interrupted my gaze and began giving me a pitch for he was offering.

    I could only hear half of what the vendor was saying, because all I wanted was to take off my sunglasses and at the very least glare at the monster a few feet away.

    UGH! A priceless moment. A priceless opportunity. And there he was, looking at me!

    Nevertheless, the moment passed. I remained stoic, and walked away. I walked away from the festival feeling way less than festive. I’m at home now, trying to get a grip on the wreckage he created with his fucking pills, and abandonment.

    I can only hope that this hopeless feeling will pass quickly.

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  3. “Learning to Fly” has been one of my favorite songs for many years. It’s helped me get through bad times and to celebrate good times. Another one by Tom Petty which has helped me a lot is “I Won’t Back Down” and, of course, I change the lyrics to suit me (as usual).

    Music has ALWAYS been my greatest therapy and friend. May your music always support you in your quest for the person you ARE as well as the person you WISH to be…

    I really miss you a lot. I’m glad that you’re getting the help you’ve needed for so long. A good friend of mine taught me that, when I was ready, the right teacher (of whatever sort) would automatically appear in my life. My job is simply to recognize them for what they are to me. YOU, woman, are one of them…

    Love… Sky

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  4. Here’s a great Pema Chodron Quote regarding “Learning to Fly”:

    “I think all of us are like eagles who have forgotten that we know how to fly. The teachings are reminding us who we are and what we can do. They help us notice that we’re in a nest with a lot of old food and old diaries, excrement and stale air. From when we were very young we’ve had this longing to see those mountains in the distance and experience that big sky and the vast ocean, but somehow we got trapped in that nest, just because we forgot that we knew how to fly. We are like eagles, but we have on underwear and pants and shirt and socks and shoes and a hat and coat and boots and mittens and a Walkman and dark glasses, and it occurs to us that we could experience that vast sky, but we’d better start taking off some of this stuff. So we take off the coat and the hat and it’s cold, but we know that we have to do it, and we teeter on the edge of the nest and we take off. Then we find out for ourselves that everything has to go. You just can’t fly when you’re wearing socks and shoes and pants and coats and underwear. Everything has to go.”

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  5. I’m so happy to hear of your progress!
    & **hint hint** I FINALLY managed to post a few photos on my blog (after a prolonged struggle)

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