I’ve had a sensation of pain in my heart intermittently for years. It’s become rather frequent lately and it radiates out from my heart chakra into my whole being. I’ve been confused by this sensation for years and now that it’s stepped up quite a few notches I’m thinking about it a lot and I meditate when it overcomes me. I let myself feel it deeply and don’t struggle against it like I used to which is hard because it’s been very painful.
Today I figure it out. And as I did the pain subsided some. It’s blocked spiritual energy. It’s the energy of the mania that was triggered by hallucinogens. It’s been stifled in me ever since I took the psych drugs. My mania was profoundly spiritual and legitimately so as far as I’m concerned. Now this feeling is all the joy and love and euphoria crammed down in my being asking to be released. I have no fear that it will turn to mania, in fact I’m actively working to release the pent up energy and let in love. I sense that once I do this I will be open to feel joy and the love of the universe that can be interpreted in any way that makes sense to someone given their religious beliefs.
When I was 16 I interpreted this joy as the love of Christ. My first experience of it was not a psychotic one. I’m not attached to Christ being the only interpretation of love coming from the divine. I think all religious or spiritual people have access to this deep and profound joy and love, it doesn’t matter how it’s interpreted. I’ve heard of people simply calling it love of self.
I talked to a minister the other day about my re-emerging spirituality and he told me to trust my experience. He also quoted the bible from where it says if you look in the face of god you basically lose it—we are not created to endure the full force of the divine–at least not without adequate preparation. That is what I believe spiritual emergency is—or what is often called psychosis—looking in the face of god in whatever way you perceive god, too closely. I was an open conduit to the spiritual when I was psychotic. And now I’m being called back as the psychiatric medications that have kept me cut off from the divine are leaving my body.
I’m starting my taper again tomorrow. My new doctor has been working with me both with new supplements which support and detox and through energy medicine. I do not feel well—in fact I feel over-medicated. I’m slurring my words. It seems she has got me into a state of health to the point that the drugs are making me drunk again. It’s pretty awesome that she’s been able to bring that about.
This withdrawal will be from the Risperdal .05 mg every two days for 6 days. I’m going from .75 mg to .60 mg and then holding. I can’t wait to get off the rest of these psych drugs because I feel a profound healing coming on. A deep spiritual healing. But before it can happen more completely I need to be free from these spirit killing drugs. It’s beautiful to have a doctor who believes in this spiritual aspect of what is labeled mental illness. It’s so unusual. I remember the first time I was hospitalized and I told the psychiatrist in the hospital god was talking to me and he mocked me and then shot me up full of Haldol.
I went for a walk the other day with a woman who could’ve been my client from years ago when I worked with the “severe and persistent mentally ill.” She was so sweet and warm—yet there was a deadness in her that I recognized as familiar from the clients I worked with on heavy neuroleptics. I was so glad to walk with her as an equal and not as a social worker—she is my peer and we talked to each other as such. She is getting tardive dykinesia from her neuroleptic. I asked her how long she’s been on it and it’s been 2 decades. I asked how long she has been stable and she said 12 years. I wanted to scream. This poor woman is half dead inside for no good reason. She is on three medications for bipolar disorder and has had no symptoms in 12 years. I see that as criminal, especially since it’s clear a part of her is dead, just as I’ve been dead for many years but am now coming back to life.
I gently talked to her about talking to her doctor. “If you’ve been symptom free for 12 years maybe you don’t have to be on a toxic drug that is giving you tardive dyskinesia,” I suggested. I didn’t add she struck me as part dead too. I want to help all of us who are being over-medicated and poisoned. How can I do that? This blog is simply not enough.