I’d like to bitch for a moment

I’m tired. I can’t drive except for very short distances and even that scares me—my freedom feels severely impeded. Sometimes my body feels like lead and I lay in bed for hours. Literally like lead and it even hurts my arm to hold a phone to my head or type on the keyboard.

I’m tired. I can’t make plans. I want to do things. I have not lost my desire to be busy. I have not lost my capacity for pleasure. In my stronger physical moments when the weight of the chronic fatigue lifts for a short while I laugh and enjoy many things. But mostly, I simply don’t have the energy. My body hurts.

I have to tell my friends I’m only available the day of making a plan. And the plans have to be made within a window of a couple of hours or else I may lose my strength and even have to cancel that.

I’m tired. I miss my friends. Those I see in life and those I used to talk to on the phone. Long conversations are exhausting. Just as with plans in the outside world, a phone call can only be taken when I feel well. I often have to ignore the phone. Some people have stopped calling me.

I am useless around the house. I do very few chores. I try to cook and occasionally still enjoy that—it was always my favorite thing to do. I’m so good at it it’s the last thing I still do with some regularity. It’s like second nature and I know how to makes things simple and delicious. I can often drag myself to do that and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I love good food and as I’ve said, I’ve not lost the capacity for pleasure.

I miss the outdoors the most. The long half day hikes in the mountains I did three or four times a week. I’m tired.

I’m tired. And I miss my life.

I am in the moment missing my life.

I am in the moment exhausted.

Sometimes I’m afraid this will not pass and then I am no longer in the moment. I’m in a frightful future where nothing ever changes.

12 thoughts on “I’d like to bitch for a moment

  1. Hello Gianna,

    it pains me to hear of your CFS. I wondered if you had bought B. Frantzis’s demo tape on Taoist Energy Arts? Sound like you need more energy, but how do you get it?

    In his demo tape a woman testifies that she was flat on her back from Epstein Barr for years. Some friends literally dragged her to a B. Frantzis chi gung seminar. She did just a little bit but noticed a spark of energy return. She stuck with chi gung and is now free of EB. As you know chi gung basically means energy work.

    Just a thought.

    I hope you will find recovery from this.

    Warm wishes for you

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  2. Dear Gianna,
    I remember those feelings like they were yesterday. Sometimes, there were days that were so difficult, I’d just try to survive a minute at a time. And there were other days when I felt if I started crying, I could fill oceans. And finally, there were days when I bemoaned the fact that I’d felt so bad for so long that I had no more tears to shed.

    But, I overcame it, and I know you will too.

    Susan

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  3. i hope you feel better today. i think it’s fine to mourn your old life, and normal to do so. one time (this is in honor of Ed’s comment) I was at the car repair shop. (last year) my daughter was severely sick, my car lit on fire, was horrible. just weeks before my daughter entered the hospital. the mechanic said “some people love drama in their life”. he’s lucky I didn’t take him out to the alley. i would love to have a calm life where it was all good and ppl like Ed the flamer can just go where the sun don’t shine.

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  4. Boy am i glad my name isn’t Ed. Sorry your having such a time of it.Like Coco said take some time to stay in the moment. Maybe for just a moment everything will be fine. Then try for two moments and so on. That’s what I have to do some days. I wish I could cook. That would be an interesting moment. LOL

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  5. I’m thinking of you too, Gianna, and I *really* appreciate your honesty. Yes, it may sound dramatic (up yours, Ed), but only to those who have no idea where you’re coming from, who haven’t lived that kind of pain and frustration. I hope you find it in you to stay in the moment today, and I hope and pray this lifts for you really soon. ~coco

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  6. *hugs* for you, Gianna.
    Sorry you’re having a rough time. Hang on to hope, okay? It’s a long journey, I know, but you have come so far already. Hang in there and know that I am thinking of you.

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  7. Dear Sally,
    I’m so sorry. I can imagine how frightening your situation is for you.

    If you’d like to directly communicate with me I’d be honored. Feel free to drop me an email.

    You are a great inspiration in my life Sally.

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  8. Ed, your kindness is moving…I laughed at myself for posting this exactly because it was so silly and dramatic—I’m sorry you don’t have a sense of humor.

    I think the title makes it clear that I’m going a bit over the edge…yes dramatic is a good word, but it’s also the truth and I’ve made clear that this is to be the whole truth of my journey off of meds.

    Sometimes life reads like a bad soap opera…

    Perhaps if you read more of my blog you would have some sense of where I’m coming from.

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  9. It will pass, Gianna…it’s frustrating though, isn’t it? I’m sorry you are feeling so low.

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  10. Well, Gianni, I’m in a similar place today, so as usual I appreciate your honesty and reality. I am pretty much confined to my house, too — not because I am withdrawing from psych drugs, because I have been off all psych drugs for several years now. My problem is old age and sickness. I can’t walk because of osteoarthritis in my knees, and now I am dealing with sciatica from sitting so much. This latter situation scares the hell out of me, because I depend on sitting at my computer to do my spiritual practice and my work editing the Florida Peer Network News and Densal Magazine for Karma Triyana Dharmachakra. Living alone in the middle of nowhere as I do, I am also dealing with the impossible mess with the medical system, and altho I could have knee replacement surgery, various hassles with the dental and med system prevent me from pursuing this. I have very nearly come to the conclusion that sooner or later I am going to wind up in an ALF. This is very, very scary. I am trying to keep up with my daily Dharma practice by doing it while lying in bed. But perhaps my spiritual practice at this point needs too go more towards direct communication with other people . . .
    Anyway, for these reasons I appreciate your last post. It makes be feel less alone.

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  11. Lady, I think you need to get the hell out of the moment. This reads like some kind of dramatic play.

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  12. and dear friends and readers,
    this is why I don’t respond to so many of your wonderfully delightful comments.

    the community that has formed around this blog thrills me and I’m so happy every time you leave your comments.

    Know this to be true.

    I’m just tired and it’s all I can do usually to spit out a post…

    and a comment here and there on this blog and others…

    but it’s all of you that help me stay in this moment.

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