This is a test, this is only a test

I have spent these last couple of days away from the blogosphere. Some of you may not know why I posted that I was no longer writing. In an earlier post I explained that several people had been harassing me, leading me to stop writing. In response to that post I received an email that was so scathing and ugly it completely spun me out for the next 48 hours and so I took down that post.

That what I write can trigger (unfortunately incredibly intelligent) disturbed people so badly as to make them write horribly hateful and painful shit directed only at taking me down is a shame. It’s a tragedy that some people are so hurt that they would want to use their obviously wonderfully creative minds in poisonous ways. It’s actually heartbreaking if I can step away for a moment and imagine the pain that they are in. Unfortunately it’s hard to do that for long as they’ve accomplished what they’ve wanted and gotten under my skin.

In any case I’ve had many many more of you come to my defense. I’ve had a beautiful outpouring of support from my blogging community from people who clearly love me, value my work and see what a healing process it has been for me. Lots of you have asked me to rethink my quitting.

I have spent the last couple of days completely disengaged from the mental health blogosphere. It all feels painful. Given that I’m virtually housebound due to the chronic fatigue caused by the withdrawals, the blog and my life online was basically my full-time occupation. Not my whole life, but my meaningful occupation. I have lots of friends and family and a loving husband who are all part of my life off-line, but they all have jobs and like them I have a job and it is my online work, of which only a part is this blog. I am a member of many email mental health groups, online activist groups of different types and I participate in a blogosphere beyond our insular mental health world. I care about issues other than mental health, in other words.

So I have still been taking part in the other parts of the blogosphere and other areas of activism but have been studiously avoiding the mental health blogosphere. A couple of the people who cause me pain are active there.

In any case I have created a shield around me. I have changed my email address. Only those who wish me well have access to my new address. If I start this blog again it will be set on moderation and an outside party has kindly agreed to do the moderating. Thank you to all of you who volunteered for this task—that was truly moving.

Those of you who are my friends and have left comments before will not be subject to moderation. Only new people and a couple of people who have been banned or purposely placed on permanent moderation will be subject to moderation and I won’t see any of those comments until my volunteer has weeded out anything with ill-intent. All of them will go to an email address I will not be looking at. I will put up that email address as a contact on the blog as well and my volunteer will therefore screen all incoming email as well. Email will then be forwarded to me.

So, I am protected if I choose to write again. In the meantime people can leave comments and converse once again and I will take part in at least that for now. It will also allow new people to communicate with me if they are just now finding this blog as a resource.

The bottom line right now is that I’m in the midst of a Risperdal taper. I’m at the tail end of it and I’m raw. I am extra hypersensitive. But this is of course what I took on when I chose to go off meds and heal naturally. I have actually been doing better physically for the last month or so. I sleep 8 hours, and sometimes more, most nights now—even throughout this upset. Before I started work with my new doctor I was sleeping 2 to 3 hours a night and occasionally not at all. I have more promise of recovery now than ever. But I’m also at one of the hardest parts of withdrawal being the end of a neuroleptic taper and so my emotional pain quotient is taxed. Nasty hateful crap directed at me has made me run for cover. And I’m not coming out completely for now.

So, comments are open. I don’t know when or if I will continue to write on a regular basis. I’ll take it “one day at a time” as they say in some recovery groups. And that means I may not be checking comments regularly either, even though they will be allowed and posted.

20 thoughts on “This is a test, this is only a test

  1. I’m really happy about this. When I told my husband, he’d suggested that someone do something like that for you but I totally forgot to mention it.

    You have been in my prayers and I look forward to seeing this blog evolve and progress through your recovery.

    With lots of love,


  2. We missed you so it’s great to see you’re back, and with your good news of moving back in with the team 24/7!

    Take Care,


  3. thanks everyone…
    I actually have a couple of totally non-personal things to post…they just sorta came my way…so the blog will be active the next couple of days…

    I’m really not ready to talk about my stuff though…we’ll see how it goes…

    I still feel tender…and I guess I feel traumatized. I’m getting rid of the cottage in town—even though I only stayed there a couple of days a week I miss being with my husband and animals on those days. And somehow I just don’t feel as safe anymore.

    I’m excited to find our new house in town. But then I’ll be with my family. Pets and people.

    that I’m sure will pass…I lived alone for years and did fine…

    anyway…thanks again…it’s been really nice hearing from all of you again. I couldn’t really imagine living without my blog world, though I’m still in way low gear in getting around…still feel in limbo and not really sure how to proceed.


  4. An excellent idea! That way we can enjoy what you have to say and you don’t have to read garbage directed toward you. The perfect solution.


  5. WELCOME BACK Gianna;I had just recently come across your site and was saddened by the prospect of its’ loss.I well understand your pain and aversion to expose yourself to further abuse;this is a dark region of mental illness that can be contagious.At any rate I applaud your efforts and new game plan;know that you are loved and appreciated by many and for good cause.KEEP ON TRUCKIN’……….


  6. I’m sorry for what happened. That kind of stuff does happen. I participate in a forum, and I have seen some nasty things happen there. I did receive one really nasty message about something I wrote. It hurt; it hurt a real lot. Like you, I had to back away for a while. I then realized that I can’t save everyone. Many forums are moderated to keep people from posting nasty, hurtful comments.

    When someone writes something to tear us down, it hurts because we are putting our whole self on line when we share our pain in print. It’s not like teaching someone the parts of a cell or the periodic table–our subject matter is ourselves.

    I’m glad to see you back. Keep up the good work. Keep on sharing. You are helping us.

    Jim S


  7. Gianna,
    This is a very healthy attitude in the midst of some seriously unhealthy communications. I am glad you have a plan in place. A little perspective does wonders.


  8. I’m glad you are posting again too. Your blog has been a great tool of insight for me, as a person experiencing bipolar through a loved one, your perspective and words are helpful. Thank you.


  9. Count me among the “thrilled to see ya back” crowd…
    You are doing great work here, Gianna, don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise.
    [now my son is clamoring for “HIS” share of computer time so I gotta go!]
    Best wishes, Val


  10. Hi Gianna – It’s great to have you back. I have long felt that our so-called “consumer/survivor” movement has been doomed to failure by the anger and negative tactics of so many within it. If we are ever to get anywhere, it will only be when we can deal within this blight using compassion, loving kindness, and intelligent dialogue — the kind of things that have been evident on this blog. You go, girl!


  11. There is a term for the process, whereby one finds that one dislikes a single facet of a person and, by extension, decides to dislike the whole person (racism is a very good example of this process), but I can’t bring the term to mind, just now (I was always crap at remembering jargon!).

    Anyway, it’s good to see you’ve got a strategy in place – it’s easy enough for us to censor ourselves, without having others do it, too. Incidentally, it’s not possible for the trolls to win this argument, because there isn’t an argument: denying others the right to speak, while one routinely broadcasts one’s own perspective is a very lopsided way of looking at the world, I think, and probably reflects the lack of balance in the trolls’ minds, generally!



  12. Dear Gianna,
    I’m so glad you’re posting again. I can’t tell you how highly disturbing I find it that anyone within the mental health blogosphere would seek to deny you the opportunity to present your point of view.

    Certainly we can disagree with each other without sending “hate mail.” I applaud your courage in fighting the good fight and remaining online. I pray that the people who have hurt you will reexamine their behavior and realize how truly destructive it was, and never do this again–to anyone.



  13. You’re a real inspiration Gianna; you’re able to be vulnerable yet tough at the same time. I really feel badly that these people have affected you… and secretely I think they’re jealous of you. Take your time ~coco


Comments are closed.

Blog at

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: