This is to all of us striving to become. We already are.
I found this lovely song (video below) completely by accident today. It made me feel a little better. I’m very, very sad right now. I’ve been hurt by someone who was once a friend.
I want people to know that once I’ve moved to town I may try to find other outlets for my creativity. I find too much pain here among people who have been hurt and feel somehow threatened by me. I don’t want to stay here if I can find another way to make a difference. These issues come up again and again and pain me again and again.
It may be my period and my mood caused by my period and I may bounce back again. So many of you move me so deeply. I just sometimes think the real world might be a safer place for me. This is, indeed, a real world, and I’ve met many wonderful real people, but as long as I am hyper-sensitive from the psychiatric drug withdrawal I am repeatedly hurt and disturbed by people who, well, who basically want to hurt and disturb me.
I think one needs a thicker skin for what I’m taking on, though as I just said, perhaps in the next 24 to 48 hours as the hormones settle I will see things in a brighter light.
You are all beautiful…listen to the song.
Don’t look at me
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I’m so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring me down
So don’t you bring me down today
To all your friends, you’re delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That’s the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can’t bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring you down
Don’t you bring me down today…
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won’t stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won’t always shine
(sun won’t always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
’cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won’t bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring us down
Don’t you bring me down today
Don’t you bring me down today
Don’t you bring me down today
Hey Gianna
Spot on. Good choice. This song always makes me want to cry but also to make me want to keep on keeping on….
We are all so very strong…
Gianna,
I haven’t know you that long but I can certainly say you are beautiful and a wonderful, caring person. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time.
I moved recently and it was HARD emotionally. Even though it was a good, exciting move it really shook me up for quite a while. So, be easy on yourself right now and take some time off it you need to. It would be sad for us to lose your wonderful blog but if that is what you need to do – taking care of yourself is much more important!
Just know that you are very special and the mission you have taken on rubs some people the wrong way but you are truly helping so many of us. Thank you for that.
Sending you peace and strength,
Tamara
Your detractors are opportunists and cowards who seized the moment to ambush you. They saw the traumatic events in your life today and decided to strike while they figured you were weak.
With the pain of bereavement, your husband overseas, a mortgage to arrange, a conveyance to oversee, and packing for the move, on top of the trials and tribulations of every day life, the cowards assumed you were stressed, vulnerable, and easy prey.
How wrong! Gianna is a strong and determined woman on a mission, so to her critics I would say “mind your backs”!
I’m doubtless being selfish here since I love reading your blog, but it would be a great shame if you dropped off the net, since you draw a readership many times greater here than could enjoy you off-line.
Thanks so much for emailing me about this – I have been so bad at blog reading, too. You are so special to take the time to think of others in your time of being down. I hope you bounce back easily.
What a lovely song, and a wonderful tribute to all the people who post insightful and helpful comments here. You are beautiful, Gianna, we are all beautiful.
I would echo what Naturalgal said…you are under a lot of stress–good stress and bad stress–and if you need to take a break, I’m sure everyone here would understand that.
Hang in there and do what you need to do for you.
Love,
Jazz
too much good stuff to respond to here…I just want to say something about pictures…
I DID come across some pictures I don’t believe I’ve seen since they were taken.
My husband and I went on our first vacation after knowing each other about 6 weeks to Big Sur. We had a sweet deal— we didn’t have to pay for. We got to stay in the main house of the owner of Esalen on a cliff overlooking the ocean…it was totally awesome and beyond romantic.
Anyway…I looked at the picture and you could see the “madly in love” look in our faces. The glow of early romance. Yeah, even in my blunted state…drugs did mess with that glow and our bonding, but shit, we really were very happy.
The pictures made me sad. But also hopeful. Those people in those pictures are still in us…we’ve just been on a rough ride these past few years…and we weren’t able to, happy or not, bond in the way we really needed too because there was a numbness in me. Now there is hope that that can change.
Childhood pictures, unfortunately would not make me happy…
Gianna,
This song could be, like, our theme song! It is great!
I shared with you off-blog some of the problems I had when I had several major life stressors happen all at once.
Even though three of my stressors where good…like moving to a new home, taking on a mortgage, new job and new baby…. It was hard….and then a friend said some negative things to me and I crumbled.
I felt awful….. and it was my introduction to the “label and medicate field” of mental health system.
You have some good stressors and some very negative stressors all going on at the same time:
Moving is extremely high on the stress scale.
Death of a family member is high
Separation ( I think even from traveling) from a spouses is high
Taking on a loan is high
I have seen different tests, but I found this one interesting
http://www.cliving.org/lifestresstestscore.htm
You ARE beautiful!
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
NG
G,
I’ve never seen you, but I don’t have to to know that you are beautiful….YOU are a goddess.
Love,
Pat
Hey babe – right back atcha!
Good words from you too, Duane – a really cruel thing that my ex did to me when he left was steal our huge box o’ photos covering 14 yrs of marriage…
I think I might have had an easier time processing all the history if I’d had those pictorial memories to sort through.
Gianna,
When I got off Geodon a few years ago (cold-turkey, before I knew any better), I had a great deal of memory loss – as you know, I still do….at least periodically….
One of the things I did was pull out old photo albums – my mom had made a great one for me several years ago – with lots of great photographs of our family…
At first, I used this as a tool to help me recover some of my memory – I actually had three (momentary) episodes of complete amnesia….
It was a frightening time….I had no where to go – I certainly didn’t want to go back to an MD and only be placed on more drugs….I started to read, and study, found Safe Harbor, spent (literally thousands) of hours studying….whatever I could find…
The photos –
They did more than help me recover my memory….they helped me remember good things – wonderful things…
I used to pull them out and stare at them….and, I started to get in touch with who I had been at various periods in my life…I remembered so many good things – and, had memories of feelings I thought I had lost as well….
It was very therapeutic….
The reason I bring this up is that you are moving…
It’s gonna have some stress involved, as it’s always hard to move…
But, I was thinking it’s likely you’ll stumble accross some old photographs – maybe even some when you were a little girl – some when you were in high school, or college….when you first got married….
Maybe you could think about spending time to heal – with your favorite music on during the day….a nice cup of your favorite tea….time just staring at old photographs – peacefully during the day….getting back in touch with that little girl inside you….and, that high school kid, and all the things you were along the way….
The move could be a great chance to heal….to spend time going back to remember who you were, time to center – to find out where you are, and time to look forward to the future – where you’d like to be….
Just some thoughts.
I put this up on Safe Harbor tonight – I hope it brings you some hope – and, I hope it helps you realize that you’re “okay” – Duane
My Declaration of Self-Esteem’
I AM ME
In all the world there is no-one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.
I own everything about me; my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself – I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes, because I own all of me.
I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me and other aspects that I do not know, but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do – I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me – I am me and
I AM OKAY
– Virginia Satir
The word ‘beautiful’ when heard or written evokes strong emotion.
I’ve never liked anything else by Christina…I’m right there with you…but this song I find beautiful…ha! no pun intended.
Yes, you are.
D
Thanks for posting this. I admit I can’t get into Christina… but the words were right. You know my favorite MH song — Section 12 (Hold Me Now) by The Polyphonic Spree…
Call me if you need help moving… any day but Mon and Thu
Hugs,
Moss
Gianna, no one can bring you down, for you ARE the high road, the one less traveled. The path no one dares to seek. You walk alone sometimes, I know this is how you feel. But do not forget that I, and so many others walk alongside you. We all walk together, and you my dear– are a beautiful spirit that many people love.
Take solace in that.
~
peace.
Stephany
Gianna,
I haven’t heard that song in ages. I used to love that song so much. It reminded me that you know what? I AM beautiful, no matter what people say. Sure, I don’t have the flattest abs and I am home to Cottage Cheese Thighs but inside, I am beautiful. I don’t like to be positive about myself because I see it as boastful and narcissistic but you know what? Screw it.
I have a heart of gold. I want to help other people. That makes me beautiful.
You have a heart of gold. You want to help other people. You DO help other people. You are smart, sweet, and passionate about making a difference in every person’s life that you touch. Unfortunately when we try to let our flame burn bright for others, sometimes we get burned. But you have lit so many more lights than you have been burned.
You are beautiful. In every single way. This CHICK. WON’T. BRING YOU DOWN.
I don’t want anyone to bring you down… today.
You are in my prayers, G. My heart hurts for you during this time. I hope you can recover soon. Give yourself time right now. You’re dealing with a lot. I’d encourage you to take a break from blogging for the weekend or even for the following week. With moving, the passing of your MIL, the personal and health struggles that you’re dealing with… it’s a lot.
Take a break and get some rest. This also is vital to your recovery.
/long post/