I don’t know if I’ll post this as I have no idea what I’m going to write—only that I feel a strange duty to my blog and want to say something—but what to say at this most strange time of my life—at this most strange time during my withdrawal??
I have been in living hell since my last good day about a week ago—at least about 1/2 of the time anyway. But the last two days especially have been hellish. The biggest reason I hesitate to share this is because it makes no sense and I don’t want to be disbelieved. Also I don’t know that any of the information I have to share can help anyone who does not have the means and the doctor that I have and so I wonder what the value in talking about it is.
The thing I find most difficult to explain is my symptoms which as I’ve mentioned before are toxicity. Not withdrawal. I take my ever decreasing drugs in the evening and once I take them I feel progressively worse until the following day when they start to leave my body. I start to feel okay again just as I have to take my evening meds. And then I get sick all over again. We are tapering very quickly. Much more quickly than any rational and reasonable withdrawal expert would recommend and it’s not quick enough to avoid feeling sick every time I take my meds. Unfortunately quitting too quickly can indeed bring on withdrawal symptoms which my doc has learned are actually worse than the toxicity symptoms so I’ll follow her lead.
The energy work has changed my body. The drugs are more toxic than ever before even while being on a much lower dose. I’m down to 1.9 mg of Klonopin!! I’ve tapered more than 1 mg in about a week. I GET SICK when I take it, not as a result of withdrawal. It’s completely counter to everything I’ve learned.
Anyway I’m cutting .1 mg a day right now, so if I continue at this rate I could be off in 19 days. Don’t know if I will continue at this rate, slow down or speed up. I’m learning anything can happen with energy work. My doc muscle tests frequently as my body is changing frequently too.
I’m also cutting down Lamictal slowly. Lamictal doesn’t seem to be causing the toxicity reactions or withdrawal right now. We seem to be doing that at a pace my body is comfortable with. Of course that too can change.
I guess I should mention my symptoms once I take the Klonopin. First, I get anxiety attacks sometimes. Second I become somewhat mute. I can’t talk or articulate myself. I hurt. Profoundly. Emotionally and physically. I want to die. And then it passes. Around 3 – 4 pm. I take my meds at 6 and have about 4 hours before I start getting sick again. Before the blood levels gets toxic again. Yes I feel best when most people would be experiencing tolerance withdrawal!! Most people withdrawing from benzos start feeling really shitty when it’s time to take their dose again. They need their fix in other words. I instead become ill within hours of taking my “fix” and stay ill until the drug starts leaving my body.
I sleep long and hard and don’t feel rested. Another strange effect as most people withdrawing from benzos have severe insomnia. I have the opposite. I feel totally drugged and unable to wake up. And when I wake up I’m in a nasty ass mood. I only feel okay for a few hours in the evening. So. Fucking. Strange.
My doctor does expect me to feel better as I continue the daily .1 mg decreases. I expect it too. I’ve learned I can trust her.
I’m also premenstrual. Period due tomorrow or the next day, which, I’m sure is a major reason the last couple of days have been particularly bad. That’s nothing new.
Hopefully I’ll be back in some sort of decent shape by the end of the week.
Cheers all….I’m approaching the finish line.
You’ve already cleared the worst hurdle of all – Risperdal! Everyone is routing for you!
Gianna,
So sorry to hear this. I can remember that getting off Klonopin was difficult but it was so many years ago, and it certainly wasn’t as difficult for me as it is for you. Going off Ativan was always hard, but again, I titrated off quickly (but we both know how different things are for me).
Anyway, you are a real trooper, and this, too, will pass. I must admit that when we’re going through it, it’s sometimes difficult to imagine how we’ll survive, but we always do, don’t we?
All my best!
Susan
Gianna,
Sorry you are feeling so lousy but WAY TO GO!!! You are making amazing strides. Hang in there, you really are so near the finish line.
Tamara
Yes!! bipolarlife..that is exactly what is happening my body is, indeed, rejecting the drugs…I’m so sick now it’s insane but it really is toxicity and we’re about to take it on tonight with energy medicine…I may be off drugs in a matter of days.
I’ve simply not been well enough to do the blog and so this is a sneak peak for my hard core readers who take the time to look at comments…
It’s real ugly, but damn, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and once it all makes clear sense I will catch you all up.
Gianna,
Just giving you a cheer from the sidelines. I would think that it’s actually a good sign that you are getting sick right after taking the meds because this shows that your body is ready to reject them.
Peace.
Gianna,
You are a trail-blazer. I’ve not walked your particular path with these drugs but it sounds like your courage is steady to keep stepping in the necessary but horrific potholes. Keep detailing your journey, it’s such an education for me.
Thank you also for the gracious decision to post my piece about nutrients and prisons. As a new blogger I continue to look to you for guidance and am never disappointed.
Surely you’ve tried B6 for PMS. What about natural progesterone cream?
Take good care, Sue
Hey Gianna,
‘Sorry to read that you weren’t feeling well–‘just wanted to say, “You hang in there, girl!” and that I hope you’re doing whatever you need to do to get through this passage and get well (even if that means doing nothing at all!)… Since I’m just beginning to learn about this new field of energy work from reading your blog, I’m asking God to send an extra amount of His energy work your way–keeping you in thoughts and prayers this week, especially.
j
mmm…just stoped by to say hi.
iam on seroquel and I can’t wait the moment i’ll start reducind it.
i ve read a lot of shit about bipolar disorder on the internet but you are different.
you are responsible and thoughtfull.
and you make me think stuff.
good stuff.
i just want you to know that.
It would sure be interesting to know what is going on when you get toxic. Here’s my theory and I know virtually nothing about energy work YET….I wonder if as your body heals and your energy system becomes more fluid, if the drug then becomes an obstacle in the electrical system that needs to come out pronto! What do you think? It’s like her energy work is forcing your body to adapt in a healthy way…instead of the usual cut the drug….then adapt…taper some more…adapt some more.
Hi Giannakali,
My energy healer took all the historic drugs out of my body. I was lying on the living room carpet and it seemed like big colored blobs of yuk were flying out and hitting the walls. She had the whole list.
We had to schedule on Friday, so I would have the weekend to recover my new balance. Sometimes the mind follows the body in wellness. It is more reluctant to change.
Many years later,
I mentioned to my homeopath here that I had heard the words “drug-induced-autism” at some point in the evening-as if they were spoken in my ear. He said “and you just figured that out?”
Aconite 30X helps me alot. For the nausea you would probably have to go deeper, but I would benefit from Arsenicum Alb. in 6x, or to hit the emotional pattern you have to go to 30x. Results amazing. No big hazard.
Peter Chappell wrote a good book on Emotional Healing with Homeopathy. I like the comment on Louise Hay, I met her long ago in the ’70’s she is for real. I listen to her CD “Overcoming Fear” whenever I am about to fall off the beam. Believe it or not, she had a little apt off Melrose, cheap in those days. Not quite so prosperous! An example to us all.
Often, Louise Hay’s Heal Your Body will give you great clues about what to address, and one can follow it up with homeopathy.
I always have Aconite 30x in the car for what I call “car panic” when on the road one has some acute sensation of falling or losing control. It zapps it every time.
Hi,
at 6mgs my anti-psychotic aooears similiar to yours.after two days the so-called months dose appears to largely leave.sounds very familiar.its all manipulating one or two neurotransmitters which causes in me 1.Panic2.nausea.
In solidarity,
Bev
I also better no withdrawal it’s over,now toxicity.at least we gain experience………………………also work with a distance healer,and as you with forgiveness issues.Tks for the post………………………
Don’t know, if I’ve said this before, but each time, I read about what you’re going through, it reminds me of what my therapist said, when I “confronted” her with the fact of withdrawal (for even if this is not directly withdrawal but toxicity, you’d not have to go through it, if you never had been put on the drugs): “Oh, but I’ve never experienced anyone having really trouble coming off.” I so hope, she once in a while lurks around my blog, and, via it, maybe even finds her way to yours! Getting her views revised, and getting somewhat more cautious in regard to recommending these crappy drugs. (I actually told her straight, that I thought it irresponsible of her to recommend something, she didn’t know anything about. Wham!)
Hope, you soon feel better!!!
she does the muscle work with her body. she doesn’t need mine. I’ve heard of other people now who do this as well. I suppose energy and having a sense of mine is involved, but I actually don’t know. I haven’t asked.
Wondering if you would mind sharing how the doctor does the muscle work since I believe you consult with her over the phone. If you don’t want to explain this of course that’s fine but I admit to being curious. I know you feel crappy but I think it is so exciting you’ve reduced your Klonopin by this much this quickly and don’t have the “classic” withdrawal problems. Absolutely amazing. Not that what you’re going through isn’t equally awful. Good Luck. Really hope it gets better after the PMS is over. Thanks again for sharing all that you do.
Jazz!
It’s good to see you! I hope you are enjoying your “break” and things with getting the kids back to school aren’t too hectic!
Gianna–
Sorry you’ve been feeling so rotten, but, Wow! 1.9 of Klonopin, that’s awesome! Just keep reminding yourself that it will soon be behind you. I’m so glad you’ve found a doc you can trust, who is truly helping you!
thanks for the book Kathleen,
strangely enough I just watched the movie based on Louise Hay’s life and that book.
perhaps I’ll take a look at it.
Great work! So happy to hear that you’re healing.
Here is a book, You Can Heal Your Body (Louise Hay), that has in it an affirmation for PMS. Perhaps it would be of assistance to you if you’re not already familiar with it.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/359921/Louise-L-Hay-Heal-Your-Body
Stephany,
thank you so much for your encouraging words…you have been here from the beginning…thank you.
I was just thinking back to when we started our blogs. Look at the archives here, and wow, you are truly at the finish line. You’ve offered massive amounts of information, went beyond what I think you ever imagined your blog becoming: a real resource based on your withdrawal experiences, your kicking the bipolar label to the curb, and then the healing of mind and body. It’s a real journey you’ve written here. Way to go dealing with the toxicity and all that you deal with, and not give up. You go girl!