In so many ways it’s not even funny. This is going to be a rant. Because I fucking sick of being sick. I have loads and loads of faith that I will get better in time, I really do, but in the meantime I have lots of days and moments like today. I’m weak, tired, sick to my stomach, can’t get off the couch, am noise and light sensitive to the point that listening to a voice irritates me—yeah that means I can’t stand being on the phone or watching a movie. AND I’M BORED because I can do virtually nothing. I try to meditate a lot. But right now I’m frustrated. And I just feel like being frustrated, hence the dumping right now.
Since I got off the Risperdal the second time around I’ve not been able to function—it’s NOT a mental thing. It’s physical. I imagine I was having Risperdal withdrawal symptoms from the first time around, but the doc moved me so fast into withdrawing the rest of the Lamictal and Klonopin that I never got to feel this. I feel like shit. Plain and simple. It’s probably compounded by Lamictal withdrawal too. I did cut a whole lot of that out too. That doc moved me so damn fast everything is confused now and I simply don’t know what’s what.
I’m angry at her. She hasn’t even bothered to see how I’m doing or look at my blog. I’ve said nothing bad about her so far because I know she was well intended, but to drive me close to death and then never even bother checking in really pisses me off. And yeah, that last sleepless night, as I began to lose my marbles from sleep deprivation and cold-turkey withdrawal, I did think I was going to die. Was it paranoia? Maybe, but had I not followed my gut and gotten care from someone else there is no doubt in my mind I would have gone completely insane from sleep deprivation and severe withdrawal symptoms. At best I would have ended up in a psych ward when my husband could no longer stay up with me around the clock and my spirit would have died. Psych wards kill. I would not have gotten back up, as I have and recommitted to this journey. Do you know the doctor that was supervising my withdrawal had me caved in the minute I decided to take emergency meds! She had the gall to say on the phone something to the effect of, “well, if you’ve decided to go back on meds” as though it were a permanent decision….She obviously had no idea who she was dealing with, how stubborn I am, and how far I have come. I found it incredibly arrogant of her to assume because she failed me I would then fail too.
No. I’m making it. I’m going to survive and be better for it.
Thank god, I actually do have a kind, warm, traditional psychiatrist who saved my ass and recognized it was just a setback and told me I could be off the emergency meds in a matter of days which ended up being true. Had I been hospitalized you can be sure that is not what I would have been told. They would have told me it was my underlying disease and I was stupid to have thought I could ever be off meds. My traditional doc who saved me knows me well enough now to recognize it has indeed been the meds making me sick. Just for clarities sake—he is NOT the doc who put me on all these meds. He inherited me and was always horrified at the amount of meds I was on. He has also been with me 100% of this journey, letting me find my way and being willing to learn from me—allowing my self-determination. NOT ALL TRADITIONAL PSYCHIATRISTS ARE EVIL, contrary to what so many of you out there like to believe.
Then there is my menstrual cycle which amounts to a two week nightmare every damn month—everytime I breath a sigh of relief because I’m feeling better, I ovulate again. I’m also in the middle of that right now, my period being due on Wednesday. In a couple of days I will have 48 hours of excruciating pain caused by endometriosis. I’ve already been in intermittent pain since Friday. My cycle alone, first with horrible PMS and then ending with horrible physical pain, without the withdrawal would be enough to make some people just say fuck it all. But I won’t. No. I. Won’t.
I keep on plugging on for some godforsaken reason that is unclear to me. Somewhere deep inside I really do believe I will find health one day. I don’t know why or how I feel this way.
I started with a acupuncturist a couple of weeks ago to help with the endometriosis and PMS. I’ve had several friends respond to Chinese Medicine for hormonal problems very well. She is a gynecological Chinese Medicine Doctor. She seems to really get how seriously ill I am and since Chinese Medicine is in a very real sense holistic medicine, I hope that she will help with my withdrawal as well. She is starting very very gently. She talks about my chi not being able to handle a typical aggressive acupuncture and herbal attack on the endometriosis. That made me feel safe with her. She gets how sick I am. It also means I won’t be healing from the endo anytime soon because the crisis the rest of my body is in determines that she can’t go after the endometriosis right now. So intense physical pain will continue to be part of my reality for a few days a month.
I’m having hormonal testing done too, elsewhere, for the first time. I have someone who can read my results who understands psych meds and the potential dangers of hormone replacement therapy (even with bio-identical hormones) when someone has psych med damage. There may be other supplements I can take that are gentler than Chinese Herbs that the Chinese Doc does not recommend in my condition. So slowly, I move onward. While feeling shitty and angry today, I move forward.
My period is due Wednesday. If it comes on time I should feel a whole lot better by Friday or Saturday. In fact my whole world may take on a new cast. I’m hoping even the weakness will pass, though I really don’t know what to make of that. Not even being able to walk more than a couple of minutes. But historically, since this whole withdrawal nightmare has begun, it has come and gone. I have days at a time sometimes where my energy is restored and I’m always at my worst when I’m premenstrual. Yes, right now I’m pretty much at the peak of that shit…
Anyway, I still have good people helping me. I have a woman who has been withdrawing people from psych meds for over 20 years I consult with—she really has been with me this whole journey in varying ways. I have my neuro-feedback doc who is a wondrous and loving man who supports me completely and has seen others through similar journeys. I have my new acupuncturist who seems gentle, kind and loving and who seems to get my delicate nature. And I still have my warm and loving traditional psychiatrist who prescribes what I need and is always willing to learn from me and also gives invaluable advice at times.
So remember. I have a team of professionals and all my friends and family behind me too. It’s important to have support.
Hopefully I’ll be reporting from the other side of the menstrual cycle soon with better news…but damn this yo-yo is a pain in the ass.