The post I wrote the other day about the pain, physical and mental that I have in “spells.” But only have vague memories of afterward? It’s struck me that I’m dealing with dissociation—a pretty classic sort of it too.
I’m also realizing that I’m confronting ancient pain from childhood and while at first that freaked me out, I’m now quite excited because it is distinctly neither depression nor mania, but instead old screaming pain from trauma that simply needs listening to. The drugs I’ve taken for years did not allow that screaming child within me to be heard and now she is demanding that I listen.
I’m also finding helpers and guides in unlikely places. Or at least places I never expected to find them and none of them are traditional therapists. I feel safe. And cared for. I feel that the universe is finally supplying me with the people I need. And they’re not trained mental health professionals. Imagine that!!
Frankly, I’m not at all surprised they are not traditional western psychologists of any sort, but I am delighted to have found them and feel that I wouldn’t have found them had I not closed the door on traditional help.
I’m not prepared at this point to discuss my intimate journey, but I will say I feel great movement in the right direction in terms of the psyche and spirit. Perhaps as I proceed down this path I will be more articulate and prepared to talk about it. And then again I may not.
What I am discovering though, is that, yes, indeed, underlying crap is coming up, but I’m dealing with it. I’ve been expecting it and now I’m finding my way through the maze. And in many respects I’m starting from the beginning.
Twenty years of chemical restraint has set me back emotionally and spiritually in many ways, but I have great faith that I’m doing the right thing to find my authentic self. Getting off the meds was only the first step. The real work begins now.
**note: my goal right now is to try to keep new posts on the blog, daily, if possible. I’ve actually been posting at a much higher rate than usual but doing less commenting and less original work. This means, too, that I may not be responding to as many comments as usual, but I hope that won’t stop you all from leaving your delightful comments. I just need a little more time to myself and will be commenting only when truly moved to do so. Thanks.
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Gianna,
Take all the time you need for yourself and double it!
There are many different ways to numb our innermost pain. From street to legal drug and alcohol, our dissociation is shored up. When we stop ingesting the chemicals, our mind expands to release the torrent of crushed emotions.
It can be a terrible and frightening experience, but to finally acknowledge our feelings, to let them exist, takes the power from them to us.
Best wishes, my sweet, Dano.
thank you all…
David,
I thought of you when I wrote this, and yes, it seems like memories to me too…but their is no content to the memories yet, it’s body and emotional memory, so I’m not sure what I’m learning just yet…
Since I realized I was dissociating, I’ve been more grounded with the pain arising and I’m more able to bear it without checking out…but I make no assumptions about what the future holds in terms of having periods of complete dissociation again.
It’s a pleasure to read positive words. Thanks.
I almost left you a comment on your “spells” post that it sounded an awful lot like memory-surfacing. I have spells like that too, where I’ll wake up sick and terrified, unable to remember what I was dreaming. Paradoxically, I take it as a good sign. No infection heals without the poison rising to the surface first.
Brava, Giannakali. You sound grounded and clear about your next steps, and your courage and faith (as always) will sustain you. I will be thinking of you often – whether you respond to me or not! Take all the time you need, sweetie. We will be here when you’re ready. BTW, did you see my poetry of 12/7? It emerged on the heels of a breakthrough I experienced the night before. If you’re up for it, you might find some resonance. Much love…
yes!! there is therapy for harm done by psychiatric drugs…eat well and meditate for starters…our brains can heal themselves…
have you heard about neuroplasticity? I talk a lot about it on my blog…look under categories or do a search on it…
there is hope…never give up…our bodies and minds are awesome regenerating machines…
don’t give up.
it does take time but I’ve seen people heal over time and lots of people have shared their stories with me…
I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing if I didn’t believe it were possible to heal.
It took me 20 years of psychoanalysis to get in peace with emotional problems due to a dysfunctional family.
I was lucky to find the right person. I finished this process this years.
Now I’m having to work by myself with the harms psych-drugs has done.
There’s no therapy for that.
I’m very happy you’re finding your way Gianna!
Stop responding! 🙂
yes, I have all the tools I need Jane, just as you did for your awesome journey of recovery.
I follow my inner guidance and my particular path on this journey as you did on your journey. For me that has included, among other things, my getting to know you and through you, Bruce Frantzis.
If you still have a copy of Bruce Frantzis’s ‘Relaxing into your Being’ then you have all the tools you need to overcome dissociation and any past traumas and memories.
thank you bpl,
I wish the best to you too.
Gianna,
It is good to hear that you have found someone to work through these issues that you feel comfortable with. I can empathize as now that I have been off Strattera for a while old anxieties have come back full force that I must deal with. I am hoping that the changes in my life that are being made will help me discover and resolve the underlying issues causing my anxiety.
Peace.