The post I wrote the other day about the pain, physical and mental that I have in “spells.” But only have vague memories of afterward? It’s struck me that I’m dealing with dissociation—a pretty classic sort of it too.
I’m also realizing that I’m confronting ancient pain from childhood and while at first that freaked me out, I’m now quite excited because it is distinctly neither depression nor mania, but instead old screaming pain from trauma that simply needs listening to. The drugs I’ve taken for years did not allow that screaming child within me to be heard and now she is demanding that I listen.
I’m also finding helpers and guides in unlikely places. Or at least places I never expected to find them and none of them are traditional therapists. I feel safe. And cared for. I feel that the universe is finally supplying me with the people I need. And they’re not trained mental health professionals. Imagine that!!
Frankly, I’m not at all surprised they are not traditional western psychologists of any sort, but I am delighted to have found them and feel that I wouldn’t have found them had I not closed the door on traditional help.
I’m not prepared at this point to discuss my intimate journey, but I will say I feel great movement in the right direction in terms of the psyche and spirit. Perhaps as I proceed down this path I will be more articulate and prepared to talk about it. And then again I may not.
What I am discovering though, is that, yes, indeed, underlying crap is coming up, but I’m dealing with it. I’ve been expecting it and now I’m finding my way through the maze. And in many respects I’m starting from the beginning.
Twenty years of chemical restraint has set me back emotionally and spiritually in many ways, but I have great faith that I’m doing the right thing to find my authentic self. Getting off the meds was only the first step. The real work begins now.
**note: my goal right now is to try to keep new posts on the blog, daily, if possible. I’ve actually been posting at a much higher rate than usual but doing less commenting and less original work. This means, too, that I may not be responding to as many comments as usual, but I hope that won’t stop you all from leaving your delightful comments. I just need a little more time to myself and will be commenting only when truly moved to do so. Thanks.