So what’s happening in my journey lately? I’m finding it harder and harder to share as the issues become subtler and more personal simultaneously.
I am trying to find the right person/people to help me on my journey. I already have several key players in place. Some have been in place a long time. My prescribing, traditional psychiatrist continues to be awesome. I saw him today, and while every single time I go I approach his home in fear, based on my past history with other psychiatrists, every time I leave his office I am relieved and grateful. He trusts me and my process even though he’s never seen what’s happening with me in anyone else. I’m very lucky to have him. I know he still pushes pills on others, but he completely respects my right to self-determination. I can’t argue with that. I just wish I’d stop being scared of him. He proves again and again that he trusts me but I live in terror because of what other psychiatrists have done to me.
Strangely enough I keep bombing on the alternative care front now. While I pick up valuable pieces of information from the various people I’ve consulted with in the end I am repeatedly failed by the alternative practitioners I’ve chosen. Strangely enough I was treated with more respect by my favorite traditional docs and now continue to be as I share with my current psychiatrist my discoveries. I don’t quite know how to make sense of that.
Granted, I would not be here without the help of alternative docs and practitioners who have helped me understand the role of nutrients and diet in my healing process, but emotionally, they’ve all bombed.
My other favorite practitioner who has been on my team from day one of my withdrawal efforts is my neuropsychologist. Another traditionally trained doctor, but it is he who planted the seed in my mind that I could be drug free. I consult with him from time to time. He is part friend, part therapist and when I want neurofeedback he still does that for me.
Newer arrivals are my acupuncturist who has helped my endometriosis pain considerably. I am not 100% pain free all the time, but it’s gotten so much better and I need only a fraction of the pain reliever I was using. (I just use ibuprofen, I do not respond well to anything stronger and am in fact essentially allergic to all narcotic like substances) I’ve been with my acupuncturist for about 4 months. She is kind and gentle. I ask her not to use needles so she simply does acupressure, as I discovered the needles were too stimulating for my delicate state. This is something I learned from one of my helpful alternative practitioners who ultimately I didn’t feel comfortable working with, but who has played an important part in my accumulation of knowledge on how to safely take care of myself.
The newest person on my team is one of my best friends mothers. She is a trained shaman. I’ve known her son for about 15 years and have always really liked her. I felt moved to call her one day given what she does for a living and didn’t regret it. She offers me archetypal good mother energy. She is simply supporting me as a friend and has done a shamanic journey for me to get information on my situation. She will help me determine my next moves in choosing the right person to work with more closely in some sort of therapeutic fashion. I want a energy healer, or intuitive healer of some sort. Some one with an understanding of trauma and spiritual healing. I don’t think I want it to be anyone with traditional mental health training or if they do have it I want them to have let go of most of it. I’d also like it to be someone who has gone through some of what I’m dealing with. Having healed from trauma and psychosis would be nice. There are people like that out there and I’m looking.
Often when I meditate my meditation is interrupted by severe dissociation and I’d like someone to help me heal those parts of myself. I don’t know if I should continue attempting to meditate when I’m dissociating for example and need someone I trust to help me. A teacher, more than a therapist. And one who trusts my process and doesn’t want to shove their experience onto me. I need to do some of this work on my own before a soul retrieval is appropriate.
My shaman friend told me today to write what I wanted in a person to help me. I hadn’t intended this post to be that, but I guess that is what I’m doing to some extent.
The other thing I need in a person who helps me on my journey is someone with very good boundaries. The last two people I got involved with failed to have appropriate boundaries and ended up hurting me badly. One of them offered quite a bit of insight into some of my dysfunction for which I am grateful, but was so blind to her own problems I couldn’t continue working with her. I have been re-traumatized lately by professionals.
I know some of this stuff sounds like voodoo or something. Don’t get hung up on the words. If I did I wouldn’t be able to do it. Something I learned in my religious studies was how to listen to all sorts of different spiritual vocabularies and integrate them into my being on a spiritual level.
I use different language at different times. I am not stuck on the words but the energy that the words carry. Whether you want to call a our psyche, soul or center, or whatever does not matter to me. Our essense is our essense no matter what we call it.
Well, I’m tired and want to go to bed. I also wanted to do a personal piece again because it seemed like it had been a while.
On the withdrawal front: I’m on 1.9 mg of Klonopin. I was on 3 mg just a couple of months ago. But about 3 weeks ago I cut .25 mg and had a nasty reaction and had to reinstate back up to 2 mg. I waited until I felt relatively better and cut .1 mg with a solution I had made at a compounding pharmacy. So for now it looks like it will be a .1 mg cut hopefully every couple of weeks, but as you know, if you’ve been following my blog, there is no schedule here. At some point .1 mg every two weeks could end up being too much and I might have to slow down again.
So now, I’m again thinking it might be another year before I’m off my final drug. Oh well. I’ll use the time wisely to heal my hurting spirit. I need this time really, so it’s okay.
As a recap for anyone new. I have withdrawn from multiple drugs in the last four years:
84 mg of Concerta
200 mg of Zoloft
50 – 100 mg of Seroquel
11 mg of Risperdal
400 mg of Lamictal
and now 1.1 mg of Klonopin with 1.9 mg to go. Wowsee.