For those of you on the west coast I’m posting this just after midnight on the east coast, so today is Sunday.
My birthday is tomorrow. I have been pretty much crippled with pain and nausea the last few days. I have not been able to eat or spend anytime out of bed. Every time this happens I fear the end of my blog. But I do keep coming back and sometimes I have posts stored up, but again today, I’m all out. So I wonder where will the next posts come from?
I have very mixed feelings about my birthday. I had the very worst Christmas and New Years ever this holiday season. Both days I was extremely physically ill and then on New Years I had some sort of killer psychological reckoning to deal with as well as I noted that the last year was by far the worst and most painful of my life.
And so as my birthday approaches, I am afraid. I don’t want another “special day” to turn into a pain fest.
I’ve thought about going out to dinner. Having a cup of green tea, (essentially, as I’ve said many times, for me it’s like doing a line of coke) and just going out and having fun.
But then I think maybe it’s time to just let go. Truly surrender and acknowledge I cannot have a normal life right now and forcing normal things like going out to a restaurant may not be in my best interest at all.
For a long time I thought that forcing myself out was a way of not giving up, but now I see it may be a way of hurting myself more rather than accepting my very real limitations and embracing my limited experience which in reality is still a pretty awesome experience in that life is always awesome.
In many ways I have so much going on it’s unbelievable.
I’ve been interviewed on a radio program because of the work I do. Interviewed by a well-reputed journalist because of the life I’ve lived. I have this blog, the social network and now I have also applied for a part-time paid job editing the content of a recovery oriented organizations website. Granted I have no idea if I’ll get the job at this point but there is interest in me apparently.
In spite of my disability I am creating a rich life for myself. And perhaps I truly need to embrace the limits of this life which is some ways are boundless as the internet is boundless and the world so small as a result. I have made connections with advocates for radical reform in mental health throughout the whole world. All this is wonderful and life-affirming. So perhaps it’s time to deeply accept that at least for now my body cannot do other things I’d like it to do. And in spite of this I still am incredibly busy and productive. I imagine I work at least 30 hours a week. Perhaps more because I don’t take regular days off. The only days I take off are when I’m too sick to function.
I need to meditate on this for the next day and a half and perhaps I’ll stay home for my birthday and not tax my body with green tea and just have a ordinary day at home. Does that have to be so bad?
We’ll see how I feel on Monday.
I do have other things to share, but that will have to wait until I feel better. I’m sorry I am not as engaged on other blogs or in comments on this blog. Providing content for the main part of this blog has taken precedence.
I’ve irritated a few commenters lately because I don’t have the energy to engage in debate and for that I’m sorry, but then again not really so sorry. I do what I can. So deal with it!!
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
Happy birthday!
That’s great news about the radio program and the possible part time job. I’m so glad to hear of all your activities. You are making a great life for yourself, although you are going through a lot of pain. We all can do a great deal, even before we become as healthy as everyone else. Our limits, I believe exist mostly in our mind’s. My uncle always said where there is a will, there is a way. I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work.
Good Luck,
Jim S
Love the quote. I hope you are feeling better.
Best,
Ari
May you have a restful and better health day. <3 to you.
Also, birthday wishes to Duane as well.
Gianna:
Happy Birthday. I felt the same way about my birthday (almost 3 weeks ago now). And exactly the same way about the holidays. I’m trying so hard but having no relief at all is rough, and I sure wish relief would come to you. I hate to say this, but right now I’m absolutely hating my life and it’s all because of these horrible meds! Sorry – just needed to vent. I truly am glad you are able to do as much as you can, and I too wonder if I should not push so much and just be more accepting and stay home, but I fear I would be so forgotten by so many people and feel even lonelier than I do now.
As always, I appreciate every single one of your articles – nothing is in vain and helps so many.
Jan
Gianna, I wish you a Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday, Gianna! I like your idea of embracing your life as it is in this moment. Reisistance is always painful, and your life is full because you made it that way – possibly because of your so-called “limitations” – not in spite of them. You are who you are, which is an incredible woman, and your spirit is beautiful. Have a blessed birthday, Gianna,. You deserve it!
So today’s the day! The Eagle has finally Landed! Happy Birthday proper, Gianna!
Happy Birthday!
thank you Shelby,
you know what, though, I live 3,000 miles from my close family and friends…
You all out there reading me are my close family and friends here in this new hometown of mine.
so I’ll think of you eating that chocolate as a toast to me! thanks.
Happy Birthday, Gianna.
Enjoy your special day with close family and friends.
My cat and I will help you celebrate from our home with some yummy chocolate.
“Enjoy” from us”’
Shelby
Thank you, everyone!!
I’m now 42 minutes away from the date…
Happy Birthday to Gianna and Duane, two very special people!
And Happy Birthday to an amazing young fellow who has beaten his own path to recovery! U NO HOO U R! (see.. even the oldies can do txt spk!)
Happy Birthday to you all!
Gianna,
I’ve observed while reading your comment threads that you are pleasantly level-headed when dealing with those that have a difference of opinion. And yet you don’t pull any punches. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us so that we can learn how better to evaluate and deal with our conditions and treatment.
So hear’s to you Gianna for being born and accomplishing such amazing things since that much under-reported event 28 or so years ago.
-Pete
Happy Birthday to Duane also!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Gianna:
I won’t even ponder how old you are today; let’s just say they would probably have to call the fire department to help put out the candles on your Birthday Cake {Laughing}.
Good luck on your job prospects, enjoy this day, and celebrate the journey to overcoming all of life’s trials and tribulations.
Yours truly,
Stan
Gianna, It’s good that you were born, and I’m sure many people agree with me, even Republicans.
I understand reluctance to have a birthday, but it’s one of those things you only have to do once a year, like the dishes and laundry, so I hope you’ll have a happy one.
And all jokes aside, I wish you the best. You have indeed made a difference in this world, and you will continue to do so.
Don’t let other people disturb you, because they’re likely disturbed enough. Keep the enjoyment in it for yourself because once it’s gone, there won’t be anything good left to give.
Please don’t try to discuss, debate, or reply to any of my points or irrational behavior; just relax, recuperate, and forget I was ever here.
Happy birthday!! You’ve certainly been an amazing force in my life and 2008 was just a crappy year (worst year of my life).
Happy Birthday Gianna!
Happy Birthday G. It has been a very difficult year for you (and me too) but there is much hope for both of us.
Hugs,
Pat
May you find peace of heart and mind, you have a great beauty thats a treasure your care for others!!! Happy Birthday sweet keep fighting you WILL get there !!!! Thank you for just being you!!! X Debs X
you have any suggestions for what else a bed bound person can do??
I meditate, read, write, watch DVDs and do my work…
I can hardly imagine what cutting back might look like.
Marissa,
I’m sorry you had a lousy birthday. Peace.
Maybe you need to cut back on some of your activities. It keeps you busy but also seems to wear you out.
Geez, I feel stupid complaining about my birthday now.
Hey! It’s Duane’s b-day today too…happy b-day Duane…
sorry I forgot about it…I don’t remember anyone’s b-day…except my immediate families.
Gianna
Thank you for sharing. I like to celebrate birthdays = something no matter how small to make one feel special and unique. We are special and unique beings – enjoy going into the next year = a new begining, new hope unfolding in a special way for you.
a fellow aquarian.
Beautiful Gianna,
These are in-between times, and you are not alone in feeling that simply resting, sipping green tea, and meditating are the best things to do right now! Like you, I have many, many glorious doorways opening, yet the last few days have been about watching tear-jerker movies and weeping, playing truly lame online games, and eating primarily potatoes and carrots while I drink “detox” tea.
I agree with the other commenter who questions the term “disability” as a description of you. As unfair as it may seem, we often are given these turbulent paths precisely so that we can assist others from a place of understanding, compassion and wisdom. i can scarcely imagine how many people have been educated, comforted, inspired, and empowerment by your assistance. (And that includes those who got their inner fires sparked through disagreeing with you!)
The world honors your birth…
….and you get to do the same — exactly how and when and where and with whom you desire. No apologies needed for listening to your own body and your own heart. Never!
xoxoxoxoxo
Happy Birthday, Gianna.
Happy Birthday and remember to look after you. All else comes second.
Happy Birthday GK. No need to apologize. You do an incredible amount of work on this blog and the internet and your contributions are greatly appreciated by many. peace to you.
Wishing you a happy birthday, regardless of what you do.
I know a little about not enjoying your birthday because of your life circumstances. But I wonder, I do, if in the end we’re doing ourselves a dis-service by feeling so sad on the day that marks our entry into this world?
I think, not taxing yourself sounds great. Surely there’s plenty of cool stuff you can do at home with friends? DVD’s, tasty food, a relaxing bath.. whatever it is, just whoop it up however you can.
And for one day, just remember that you are valued and loved, and that you deserve a little fun. 🙂
Well, your physical body may not be the same or react the way you want it to, but you aren’t disabled. To be mentally here and doing what you are is a miracle, and that is something to celebrate.
Thank you Auntie Gianna, for my birthday. I am honored to be a day older than you. And to look like the beautiful Kali.
Love,
Holly the cat.
PS I hope you have a wonderful wonderful birthday and get lots of catnip too.
Beautiful quotes….
The lighting photo looks like a lamb – see it?
Hope you have a peaceful next couple of days,
Duane