I’m sorry this brought up so much pain for you, but I’m glad you were able to write about it.
Today I am filled with despair and will probably write a post once I feel a bit better.
I spent a good hour on the phone yesterday with the foremost journalist and author on the topic of psychotropic iatrogenic illness (drug induced illness). I am a subject in his upcoming book.
It was terribly traumatic speaking with him. He is a profoundly kind man. He is also honest and I called him to ask what his opinion is as to why I’ve been so grossly ill. Physically crippled to such a great extent it’s hard for me to believe it was the “just” the psychotropic drugs sometimes. Maybe I have MS or some other horrible chronic illness that leaves people bed bound?? I’ve been tested for a multitude of these sorts of conditions and they’ve come back negative.
I’m getting an MRI set up to rule out MS which this journalist said he thought was a good idea, but he also said he sees this again and again with people who have been on drugs at the amounts I was on. As you know I was on a massive cocktail of multiple drugs. For those who might not know I will list the cocktail here:
84 mg of Concerta
11mg of Risperdal
400 mg of Lamictal
3 mg of Klonopin and somtimes up to 6 mg PRN (as needed)
50 mg Seroquel
200 mg Zoloft
I was on the bulk of that heavy cocktail for a good 10 years. I was on psychotropics in general for over 20 now.
Anyway, this journalist DOES NOT see terribly encouraging results from cases such as my own and he’s now talked to and studied hundreds. I too, through my blogs and email groups have studied hundreds, even thousands. We both know of a small few separate cases of people who have similar prolonged histories of massive drugging like my own who are at least somewhat recovered but over all there is a paucity of people who even try to detox after so many years and the detox itself is what often triggers the physical debilitation. I was physically basically okay before the detox. Besides great sedation and needing to sleep 14 hours a day, I used to go on 3 to 4 hour hikes in the mountains where I live with some frequency.
The detox has ruined me physically even while taking 5 years to do it which is recommended by those supposedly in the “know.” The reality though is NO ONE KNOWS.
Mentally in some respects I feel better than ever. I am clear. I feel my emotions. I am productive. More productive than ever, ironically as I lie in bed unable to function physically. My creativity has been unleashed and I produce this blog and offer inspiration to others daily. This is spite of atrocious cognitive impairment, invisible to most everyone. No one sees me get stuck in mid-sentence having forgotten what I was saying. No one sees me out there in virtual land not being able to come up with some simple word while conversing with others that has been part of my vocabulary since I was four years old.
Sometimes it’s like I have early dementia. And, indeed, my journalist friend says they see actual dementia caused by these drugs in kids as young as their early 20’s if they started these drugs as adolescents.
In any case the journalist was honest with me and said he simply could not be sure I will recover—this is devastating. It does not leave me feeling mentally okay. I may be mentally strong in some regards but who at age 44 takes the prospect of permanent physical disability lightly? So no, I am not mentally okay. I may have no psychiatric problems but you better believe I deal with despair. Real, honest, SITUATIONAL despair that ANY human being would feel at the loss of the use of their bodies.
And so I lay in bed most days all day long with a laptop in my lap hoping I can reach younger people before they cross that line for which it may be too late, as it may be for me. Young people or people on much lower doses of drugs, or older people on only one or two drugs, have a much better chance of recovery if withdrawal is done safely and carefully.
My mission in life right now when I cannot leave my bedroom most of the time is to reach some of these people who may otherwise be destined for my plight.
I will find a way to get through the mourning process of the loss of my physical well-being and find meaning in my life whether or not I recover physically. Indeed, I have great meaning in my life even now, but the pain of my disability is not an easy burden and I have much to mourn.
Several months ago a mother asked me how to help her young 13 year old son who was being medicated and had gained a ton of weight on the poisons (neuroleptics) they gave him. I gave her a list of things to research and do and a diet to follow.
Just a few months later the boy was off all drugs and doing well with NONE of the behavioral problems that had labeled him bipolar!! I am not a doctor and yet I knew how to help this child. A child I had never met. What profound sickness our society is immersed in that I could lead this woman and her son to health when the doctors were making him profoundly worse.
If I can do that just once a month. Save one soul a month from a future similar to mine…then my life will have been worth it. And so I plug along.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t mourn the loss of my autonomy and the inability to walk, drive, and do normal things.
Wanted to add one thing that I wrote yesterday in a comment regarding being disabled:
Having said all the above still, I WILL have quality of life even if I remain bed bound.
it may be too late for me though to recover physically…and I don’t say that with pessimism..just realism…I do everything I can to heal in the way of food, nutrients, and meditation etc…so I’m in no means giving up.
my optimism says I’ll learn to live with whatever limitations I have as I am even now…helping people choose to get off drugs before the long-term permanent damage is done…BEFORE they end up like me crippled with iatrogenic illness (treatment or drug induced illness)
Update: Since Jason left a comment and made it very clear not only did he not carefully read this post, he also doesn’t know the first thing about what this blog is about. This blog, among other things is a guide to healing. Using food, nutrients, exercise, meditation and all sorts of things. Before you think about leaving a “holier than thou” comment read more of the blog or please just go away. I will not post anymore insulting comments when it’s clear you’ve not read my work or even this piece carefully.
And yes!! Even I exercise! In bed! My physical therapist taught me how. I cannot always stand. I have such severe low blood pressure I can pass out upon standing. Really folks. No emails or comments about what I should be doing. I am the most proactive health freak I’ve ever met. It gets irritating to be told to do things I’m already doing. Advice needs to be reserved for when one asks for it. I’m not asking for advice. Thanks for all the good intentions though.