This ain’t no psych ward, nor is it a traditional detox but I still feel like shit

Okay. I’ve arrived. I actually came in yesterday as the trip here–two days in the car, was rough.

I feel a bit like I’m in the twilight zone. In some good ways, and some not so good.

The first thing I did before entering the center was go see a doc. She was the most awesome doc I’ve met. She was down to earth and gentle and loving. I found out she was a nurse for many years before she became a doc. I think that is a significant thing about her. She spent 4 hours with me!! She listened attentively and did a long history as well as a complete physical and drew LOTS of blood. Her staff were all really great too. There was a wonderful male nurse from Trinidad who looked and had the energy of a big teddy bear. So kind. Her daughter was the receptionist also a very sweet young woman. Her nutritionist was competent and very sweet.

Nothing was decided at the doctors yesterday. We will await the lab work which included blood, spit, and urine. We will have a follow up in two weeks and then again in about a two months because it will take that long to get the all month long hormone panel she is having me do which starts three days after my next period.

After the four hours with the doc I went to the center. She encouraged me to not wait until the next day as I might find some comfort sooner.

We were greeted by torrents of rain as we drove up to the door and were greeted by one of the counselors with giant umbrella in hand. I had been lying in the back of a van the whole way, on a futon. I asked that I be allowed to go straight to my room as I was exhausted by the doctor’s appointment. So exhausted. I’ve not talked to anyone for more than an hour in months on the phone, or in my life or anywhere. I find talking excruciatingly exhausting and so I avoid it. I was wasted.

What awaited me for the next four hours? Four more hours of talking. I had a sore throat by the end of it. Intake, nurse, counselor, IV nutrients. Boom, boom, boom. Wasted off my ass. Sick as hell. Scared. Tired. I want to die. All of this in the course of the day. Really not much different than every day in some ways.

They got me started on a blend of IV nutrients and amino acids. Was hoping for so me quick relief, was told I might get quick relief. No such luck. I felt much worse throughout the IV. I got really scared as a result of that. Will it work? Can it work? Will I come out worse than I came in?

It’s not that I don’t know it works for some people, I do know that. But I have always been trickier and stranger than “most people” and here I was feeling worse and worse as their concoction went into my vein.

All the horrible stories about detox experiences started flooding my mind. I’ve heard hundreds of them. They are ALL about traditional detox centers. Not places like this. I am afraid though that for me it won’t be different that I might end up worse off.

After about 3 hours on the IV it was done and once I was off it I had a bounce in energy and felt very good for a couple of hours. I have yet to find out if it had anything to do with the IV or not. Today after another IV I will know more. The nurse said that it might take a couple of days but I will start feeling better.

I’ve been taking my .375 mg of Klonopin and my 22 mg of Valium all at night. I’ve always taken ALL my drugs from the very beginning (save the stimulants) at night. Single dosing made my life much easier. I’ve known for quite a while that maybe I should stretch out the benzo three times a day but didn’t want to add additional discomfort to my life.

So they made that choice for me last night. First they made the choice that I would complete the Valium crossover that I had discontinued half way through due to horrible symptoms.

Once I had the very long lasting drug in my body I simply started cutting the Klonopin again. Anyway yesterday I was told they would complete the crossover. I have a lot of fear that they really don’t know how delicate I am, that they haven’t seen cases like mine. They do say they’ve seen people as debilitated as I am but they grant me they’ve seen no one with as an extreme history. I knew this. I took a leap of faith in coming here because I cannot continue like this. And frankly virtually no one any where has any experience with cases as complex as mine.

It will soon be revealed if it was foolish decision to come here or not.

So last night I went to bed with just 10 mg of Valium. That is 1/3 of what my current dose will be. This morning they will give me the 10 mg three times for a total of 30 mg.

So I was given the 10 mg at bedtime, the Klonopin was cut out completely and I was expected to sleep on 1/3 of the dose I usually take. NOT A PRETTY PICTURE. I don’t know if it was psychological or physical but I couldn’t sleep and I began to be scared. I have no fucking idea if these guys can actually take me off safely. I really DON’T.

I called them in at about 2 am and told them, “You know you just took me off (for the night) about 65% of my total dose. I’ve been withdrawing from drugs for 5 years. I’ve never made a cut of more than 10% and often I made cuts as small as 2.5% when needed. I can’t help but be freaked out and I’m not sleeping.” They gave me a PRN that had been ordered for me, 5 mg of Valium. And then they gave me a sort of energy/body work/massage which was very relaxing. I finally fell asleep at around 3 am.

They woke me at 6 am for my morning dose!! I was mildly annoyed but realized they are trying to stabilize me. I said I realized that today I just need to get my full dose in me, but please, in the future not to wake me for a dose of medication. The nurse said no problem but I was right, today I need to get stabilized—she would make note not to wake me in the future.

I feel like shit. Well, in any case, that is nothing new, but I’ve only slept 3 hours. My arms are in a lot more pain then usual. And it hurts to type.

I did want to say that the level of respect I’m being treated with is astonishing. No psych ward I’ve been in or detox center I’ve visited (as a professional social worker I spent time in detox and rehab centers from time to time) treat people so well. So in that respect, at least, I am being treated humanely and kindly.

Medically, on the other hand, I simply don’t know yet if they know what the fuck they are doing. But really I knew that coming in.

I’m so wasted right now I have to stop. Hope I can say more later, but frankly, have no idea what direction this is going to move in. My tendency is to go silent on my personal shit when things are dark and ugly.

Peace out.
(finished at 7:30 am today—will be posted later)