My healing process is intense and relentless. I hit crises with some regularity and I go into an altered state in which the body knows exactly what to do to take care of it and slowly the body heals. The body does know what it’s doing. Yes. Conditioned mind just needs to get out of the way. It’s taking a long time because it was gravely injured and conditioned mind has deep roots. Yes. Conditioned mind just needs to get out of the way. It’s a process.
This healing process is frankly nightmarish too. No hyperbole whatsoever in that as a description. If I got creative I could write a brilliant horror script. I am serious. All that said, the process is also astonishingly beautiful. Life on the razor’s edge.
I love life more than anything and this for now is my life in this body, impacted as it has been. Loving the nightmare even while struggling with it is entirely possible. Paradox rules.
Messy human animal with the consciousness of all of life force Within Me.
There is no safety…there is only the law of the jungle and we’re in it…surrender to the jungle. The jungle will then hold us like a mama…Dance in the jungle like every other animal…we’ve forgotten the dance of the animal…
I am deeply grateful to have a place to utter these words.
UPDATE and example (my status update from FB ): Yesterday I was bedridden and shit was ugly. Today I went for an hour walk in the woods in the morning and then an hour HOT yoga class at 1 pm…such is the yoyo that is radical detox after being bedridden for years…it takes you places no one in health care knows shit about. I’m learning it on my own. Hell YEAH.
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AND yes, I could use some compensation for the many 100s of hours I’ve worked with folks and on this site over the years. Working like we do and not getting any sort of compensation that I might live more comfortably in the face of continued challenges continues to teach us what we’ve learned from psychiatry. We must not be worth it. Let’s change that patterning. If I helped you or a loved one out, please help me back now. thank you.
****We could use some financial support at the moment! You know, for things like the mortgage so that we can maintain a roof over our heads. Yup. I do this all for no other compensation than what the readers want to offer in support. Thank you!****
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Thanks, Monica! One thing I am aware of is resisting (my) resistance, yet another way to feel the illusion of being in control, safety. I have such a deep longing to surrender that seems to match (my) resistance. I feel the call to silence and stillness. Being present, returning over and over to just this moment, is the most powerful form of authenticity (sanity) I have ever know. And yet I continue to feel so stuck in (attached to) resistance while attempting to run away as fast as I can, ugh. Sometimes I am able to remember to trust myself and trust the process, which of course then gives me room to breathe, relax and settle (for at least a few minutes, ha)! Rejected by own mother in childhood, I have rejected being alive. That’s a shit ton of resistant energy, right? Wow. This is so obvious, yet feels like it is landing in a whole new way. So much to absorb, so much to figure out about developing a new relationship with life. A collaborative relationship, instead of one based in rejection. Broken hearted to Open hearted. Insert heart emoji here.
Lovely. It’s happening.
I do not understand what there is to love about life or what there is to love about being alive. I am not able to make such a statement. I’ve experienced lots of wonderful moments and experiences and feelings but that has not ever evened out or made up for the horrible aspects. I am truly so much wanting to understand where you are coming from when you say “I love life more than anything.” I know that was only one sentence in this post and not the theme of this particular post, but if/when you could elaborate, I would be so interested to hear your perspective. Thank you, Monica!
Sorry to hear that Mary Jo. I’m not really sure how to respond and I’m going to bed right now. This whole site kind of in my mind speaks to what and why I love life. I’ll think about a post that might better explain that I can link to here tomorrow.
Oh hello, no worries. It occurred to me that your percentage (or whatever word that fits better) of time spent in the present, meeting each moment with presence, is likely much bigger than mine. That would actually explain a lot to me if true (or true-ish). Anyway, I lived most of my life not wanting to be alive. For about the last 5 years or so, for the first time since age 12, I have been free from the tortuous thoughts about ending my own life. My gratitude is gigantic. I am grateful on a daily basis for all the many blessings in my life. I take pleasure in all sorts of different activities. I feel good about having overcome so many difficult trials and tribulations. I play like a little kid everyday with my dogs. It’s all ok in most ways, but I can’t seem to get past my broken heart. OMG, Monica! That just came right out of me, the idea of a broken heart and it made me cry, my broken heart. I don’t know how to be ok or come to terms with having been rejected in childhood by my own mother (and I’ve been exploring the layers for decades). HA! Another epiphany just now: I can’t love life with a closed heart. Oh my goodness, suddenly a lot to ponder and sit with. Thanks Monica, I appreciate that I can trust you will only respond when the time is best for you, no urgency on my part at all.
to be clear I probably don’t want to be alive a good 50% of the time … my life is hellish…and yes, I do practice being in the present ALL THE TIME including in the hell…that is how I heal. The hell is really fucking bad…and frequent, and the good is too….I suppose I simply have a somewhat different perspective…and perhaps my experience in some sort of raw sense isn’t all that different. There are times when the hells is most decidedly more frequent than 50% of the time. I’m a weirdo…that I know. Much love to you. xo
nothing you say sounds foreign to me…I still have a very broken vulnerable, despairing aspect that sounds just like yours. really. I do have very fluid movement into different more joyful parts too…anyway…I could tease this stuff out if I wanted, but it’s frankly distressing…I just let shit be as it is…and it’s often very shitty. that’s the only secret I claim. I let it be. (as much as I am able in any given moment)
oh, also, a friend calls this holding complexity…I can simultaneously hold the heinousness with the wondrousness…and yes, that too is something I’ve cultivated. gratitude helps with that kind of thing so you, too, seem to be developing that. xo
Monica, I am not a religious person, but I am praying for you.
thank you. Love you. How are you dear Ted? How is your sweet animal body?