The archives of this site now span 16 years.
They are a record of a life – learning and transforming at a rate unlike any other time. I say this as a way of disclaimer. In the earlier years of this work I am processing shock and dismay. In the early years I am undisputedly angry. I have worked out much of that and see things in a much less judgmental manner now. This continues to evolve. I sometimes want to take down old posts because they no longer convey how I feel, but I realize that they may still be helpful to people who are going through something similar now. The journey got me to where I am today, it’s just odd to have some of it in writing here for all to see.
new: Radio and video appearances
Below are a collection of my personal posts and essays presented in reverse chronology.
This site, started in 2007, now covers 16 years (and counting) of a transformative journey. I am not the same person that started this work.
While many assume I’m anti-med because I speak frequently about their dangers, it would be a mistake to assume I am stridently opposed to all meds all the time. I am first and foremost pro-choice and always have been. I am also pragmatic. The crime that happens everyday in virtually every psychiatrist’s office is that options and alternatives are neither discussed nor recognized. Also there exists no infrastructure of care to support people in crisis, often leaving no alternative for people who do not have financial or emotional resources to do otherwise. It’s excruciatingly complex. There simply is not effective and viable care for too many people. Being pragmatic counts too when people are suffering.
Some of these posts tell my story which is one in which meds are grossly overused and abused by professionals. I do not assume that my choices once realizing this are appropriate for anyone else unless they determine them to be for themselves.
Nothing on these pages should be construed as medical advice.
PROFESSIONAL HISTORY:
I got my BA in Religious Studies at UC Berkeley. After graduation a San Francisco state MSW graduate friend of mine secured me an interview for a graduate internship program for social workers at San Francisco AIDS Foundation. After losing a close friend to AIDS, I had worked in an AIDS hospice as a volunteer for a couple of years. Once interviewed by the Foundation it was determined I was qualified to do the internship. I completed the program with social work graduate interns from UC Berkeley’s and San Francisco State University’s MSW programs. After that internship the San Francisco AIDS Foundation hired me on as a social worker on their front lines. The bulk of the population I worked with at the Foundation had psychiatric diagnosis.Later I took positions in mental health agencies. Because of my background my positions were generally filled by master level candidates. I worked side by side other social workers, therapists of all kinds and psychiatrists for many years. The clients were generally designated “severely mentally ill.” (a designation that has never really made sense to me)
PERSONAL HISTORY
Monica’s story: the aftermath of polypsychopharmacology –from David Healy’s site.
And now too a mini memoir at Mad in America: Everything Matters: a Memoir From Before, During and After Psychiatric Drugs
The above two pieces can serve as a mini history of my personal journey in and away from the psychiatric system.
For info on withdrawal in particular see: Psychiatric drug withdrawal and protracted withdrawal syndrome round-up“
See also: the “It Gets Better” Series if you’re sick and in the midst of psychiatric drug withdrawal
And The anniversary posts: the 8 years off psychiatric drugs documented
Backwards in chronological order some of the more personal posts from the over 5000 on the site. Dating back to 2007.
The most recent personal posts are those about Tardive Dyskinesia. A severe drug injury associated with infection. There is a dedicated page to posts on this topic here: Tardive Dyskinesia
2019
- Mindfulness / Meditation and Complex Trauma: The Rewards and the Risks
- lightworker? let’s be clear, the real work, is shadow work
- the Mental Health Professional…vs creating our own therapeutic village…
- Detox, withdrawal from psych meds and chronic systemic infections (chronic illness tends to be associated with them)
- The imaginary line between “spiritual emergence” and “psychosis” (ecstatic dance, too)
- Detoxing rape out of our systems. We do it for ourselves and we do it for the collective.
- 2018
- Mourning, loss and vision
- Coming home (by Paul Woodward and Monica)
- Learning to live again…
- Mourning, loss and vision
- On trauma (The Sinner, Netflix)
- Mindfulness in trauma flow
- “How did this happen? You’re the most resourced person I know.
- Trilogy of the shadow child – poetry
- Musings on identity and self…
- Bipolar: contemplation about the psych label
- Meditation on death, impermanence and post traumatic stress
- Trauma, injury, illness and waking up
- being gravely uncomfortable in the face of what is happening all over the planet is a sign of deep knowing, not illness
- Mad Spiritual musings on diversity and inclusivity
2017
- Perceived madness will unleash unprovoked violence (violation) by cops, authorities etc.
- Expertly guided by the genius of my DNA
- The brain (body/mind) that heals itself
- What does it mean to say that the psych drugs “work?”
- 7 yrs off psych drugs: a message to those labeled by psychiatry (video included)
- Transformative healing: more working with parts — the god/higher-self/life-force part
- Animals hunker down when they’re healing…they do not fight the process. Let us be like the animals.
- Remineralization…a good thing to do in preparation for drug withdrawal (as well as for general well-being)
- Psych drugs and brain damage
- Physical, mental, emotional – all ONE (Chinese / Ayurvedic systems have known this for millennia)
- When we are told our experience is too ugly to be heard…
- Healing a brain injury can hurt very badly. Delusion and dissociation. Herbs, herbs, herbs.
- Empaths, empathy, healing and relationships
2016
Psychiatric drug withdrawal: preparation for before you begin
2015
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Forms of dissociation are common to all human beings
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Chronic illness is trauma embodied
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healing is about letting the wisdom of the body re-emerge (and other reflections)
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Surrender more. Seek less.
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Working with “parts” and “subpersonalities” as we come to consciousness and heal
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Stop. Trying. To. Fix. Yourself.
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Somatic mysticism: reframing “hypersensitivity”
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The somatic imperative and meditation
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I was a psychiatric success story
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Autoimmune issues, transformation and holistic wellbeing
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Food and diet for profound healing
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Heal with whole foods: transform body/mind/spirit. Heal drug damage too
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F***ing up (again and again) is part of the healing process
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Detox…the nitty gritty
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Healing isn’t a choice for me — it’s an imperative; my body is in charge
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Trust your body: learning to heal
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Story telling as means for transformative growth
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The anniversary posts: the 5 years off psychiatric drugs documented
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No, I was not #MedicatedAndMighty but I sure as heck was medicated
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Transformational healing in mental health. Let it be the norm.
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Question from a reader: when were you able to start pushing again?
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Advanced adventures in healing the gut: biofilm eradication
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My amazing healing body…
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Healing is a shocking process: protracted psych drug withdrawal syndrome (iatrogenic brain injury)
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Stimulate your vagus nerve and thus chill out: simple, natural, uninvasive method
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Everyone is mentally ill
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The body electric…genetic geniuses everyone of us…we need only pay attention…
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Psychiatric drugs and mitochondrial damage
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Mental health, immune response and inflammation: immune response is secondary to trauma
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Emotional “dysregulation” is plasticity
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Reality tunnels or what flavor is your delusion? Some fun and seriousness both
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Young women (15 – 49) with hormones please read this
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Today: 5 years free from the psych drug cocktail
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Healing the body/mind with the willingness to feel
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Mental health, immune response and inflammation
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Yoga tips for those with challenged nervous systems
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To my friends and readers who still take psych drugs (and to everyone on and off meds too)
2014
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Holding on to beliefs limits our experience of life
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Choice and emotion: a short essay with some musing
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To see a professional or not
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Frankly, I need some “negative” energy from time to time
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Therapists and psychiatrists: your patients and clients need love. Can you give them that?
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Healing is many things synergistically coming together
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I shared at a NAMI meeting last night
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Some thoughts on mental health blogging
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We are a sensitive species who have forgotten who we are
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If we were abandoned…
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Getting healthy
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change, change, change
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To see a professional or not
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Fear is life force… (in clinical circles it’s often called anxiety)
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Los Angeles has increased its outpatient involuntary treatment program in spite of UN declaring force torture
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believe and know… (IT GETS BETTER)
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Have you considered histamine intolerance associated with psych drug use and withdrawal?
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My growing herb list: healing with plants
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Science of mindlessness and mindfulness…
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My healing protocol detailed
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A few aphorisms for the day…
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There is so much more than the body and what the drugs do to the body
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Okay…cool thing to report folks
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Psych drugs kill vs Psych drugs save lives. What if both are true?
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The final visit to the psychiatrist (part 2 of Goodbye psychiatry)
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Goodbye psychiatry (part 1)
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There is Big Medicine in Everyone
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Psychiatric labels don’t make sense anymore
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The dark side of yoga…
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More sound healing and how it happens for me: Pachelbel’s Canon in D
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Mamma earth in action and my big brother
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Ecstatic dance: trance and movement for healing and transformation
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We not only get ill, we also get well
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“I wrote a new story for my nervous system” — neurosculpting, neuroplasticity
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I can feel both dance and music changing and healing my brain’s neurons
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the psyche: land of many maps
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DSM‘s Somatoform Disorders: millions more might be diagnosed
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Death dream, death meditation
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Peer support? This is the real thing. Free of institutionalization. (psych drug withdrawal)
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Heart Meditation with Tibetan Bowls
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“Alternative” treatments can be valid even if not well understood
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If I Had Remained Med Compliant…
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I’ve lost 85 lbs…and I continue to get healthier and healthier…
2013
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Silencing psychiatric survivors: let us count the ways
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There is nothing unique about our suffering. (Tonglen, a compassion practice)
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Menopause can be a magical time of growth and transformation (reframing may be necessary)
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If I had remained med compliant…
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What’s it like to have severe psych drug withdrawal syndrome? (or CFS/ME) updated
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How long should I stay with uncomfortable feelings?
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Psych drugs can strip folks of caring about hygiene & home environment
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When “psychiatric survivors” think they know it all…
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The unbearable heaviness of protracted psychiatric drug withdrawal
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More on When Friends Disappear During a Health Crisis
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We have internal guidance. Learn to listen to yours.
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Iatrogenic injury in medical care (question all your treatment always, dentistry too
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A social media, news and internet fast (in large part)
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Often lack of empathy is just a lack of imagination…
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Full moon (last) night…equinox on the 22nd…energy shifts underway….
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Beauty at what cost? Learning to minimize toxic exposures…
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The quick fix is almost always a lie
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Our relationship with doctors (or health providers in general)
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Freaking out therapists
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A busy day after writing, “Is depression unhappiness?” (visiting choice in multiple ways)
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Is Depression Unhappiness?
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To my friends and readers who still take psych drugs (and to the whole spectrum of folks on and off meds too)
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If I can do it you can too — Really?
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This is how mental health professionals argue against INFORMED CONSENT and support lying to those they serve
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Autonomic nervous system dysfunction, protracted psych drug withdrawal, CFS, Fibromyalgia and why I still limit engagement on the internet
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Protracted psychiatric drug withdrawal syndrome, chronic illness, CFS, Fibromyalgia. Yeah, they all have things in common.
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Histamine Intolerance: can be associated with folks getting psychiatric diagnosis
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Psychiatric labels and the bigotry/prejudice attached to them
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Protracted psychiatric drug withdrawal syndrome, chronic illness, CFS, Fibromyalgia. Yeah, they all have things in common.
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This is how mental health professionals argue against INFORMED CONSENT and support lying to those they serve
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Rethinking bipolar disorder
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Is mental illness real?
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We are all addicts…
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Many medications can negatively impact the brain: Concerns about Anesthesia
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Jezebel 1994 – 2013, rest in peace my little medicine cat…
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Grieving and praising life are twins
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You know we shouldn’t tell anyone about the grave harm psych drugs cause so many of us…
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being the empowered patient
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Idealization of the therapist / psychiatrist / doctor / clinician
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Stop taking your meds, right now… (NOT!)
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Harms of over-treatment in medical care
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Alarming report on persistent side effects of antidepressant drugs published online
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SPRING is in the air (and our psyches)
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In honor of the woman I witnessed being tortured in a psych ward
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The truth is often ugly… (what people are up against when they choose to free themselves from psych meds)
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In honor of the woman I witnessed being tortured in a psych ward
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Dogmatic anti-meds stance can be dangerous
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Help for insomnia (resource page)
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There are people who know a different way. Seek them out.
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Empathy, compassion and vulnerability: collection
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Culture shock
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Endometriosis? Mine responded to natural care. Here I email the MD who mocked me when I refused her “care”
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Histamine intolerance (likely to apply to others on psych meds and coming off them too)
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Chronic pain (psych drug withdrawal induced and chronic pain in general too)
2012
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Talking to the MD who prescribed the drugs that made me so very ill
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The aftermath of polypsychopharmacology: my story on Dr. David Healy’s site
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Healing must come from all corners of experience. No quick fixes
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Psychiatric drug withdrawal and protracted withdrawal syndrome round-up
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1000s of people on psych drugs have traumatic secrets they’ve never felt safe to acknowledge
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Getting Healthy
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Part 2, healing journey: Attn: mental health professionals of all stripes
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healing journey (brief thoughts from this morning to a friend…unedited) — part one
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To the mental health professional, healer heal thyself
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Neurotoxic vs. brain-boosting: psychiatric drugs
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Psychiatry: Beautiful lady or old hag?
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Articles on gluten and healing: here and here
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Coping with and healing body pain of withdrawal & withdrawal syndromes
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Earthing: the science behind why it’s good to walk barefoot on the earth
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Life as a meditation: my contemplative adventure
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There is nothing wrong with you
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PTSD versus a post traumatic response
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This is what it’s like
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Trying to reverse 2 years of hell with a shot in the neck (take note, those interested in PTSD and/or withdrawal syndromes)
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PTSD, whistleblowing and chemical injury: There are some human experiences that others can’t really understand
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Medical compliance? Adherence? Screw that. My MDs are my PARTNERS
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Dyesthesias: abnormal pain from psych drug withdrawal (and info about other sorts of withdrawal pains too)
2011
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Tool box for coping with psychiatric drug withdrawal syndromes (and some chronic pain and/or illness too)
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What if the only way you could communicate was by writing?
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Mini-update: info that gave me a wee boost
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Multiple drug sensitivity (the outcome of grossly over-prescribed medications)
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Are you “isolating” and “withdrawing” or do you just need to spend some time alone?
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18 months out…this is supposed to be the magical month
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Sleep, insomnia and iatrogenic injury – an update
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Food as medicine — bigger dietary changes make big changes in my health
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Stigma alive and well among mental health professionals — (email to yet another unfortunate doctor)
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Living Well While Being Sick — One year anniversary post
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What does it mean to heal?
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A portrait of poly psychopharmacology
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Symptom list at almost 11 months out (post withdrawal)
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Neuropsych doctor confirms thoughts about psychiatric drug iatrogenisis, PTSD, brain injury
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Complicated PTSD
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Nine months ago today I completed my six year plus withdrawal from six psychiatric meds
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Dear Psychiatrist
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Dear Psychiatrist part 2: benzos and brain damage
2010
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This is what it’s like… (post benzo withdrawal, still recovering)
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GABA, benzodiazepines and the brain
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An email to close friends
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Recovery sometimes goes so slowly you don’t know if it’s happening
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Extreme sensitivity to noise, touch, movement, commotion etc… (brief personal update) 4/2010
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And I thought my Lamictal withdrawal was from hell? What I’m dealing with now is much worse: post benzo withdrawal
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In the near absence of friendship
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Improvement, by god, yes!
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When I think of my relationships I have no regrets — with Baylissa Frederick new
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Benzodiazepine Speech Withdrawal Symptoms (Dysarthria) – brief personal progress update too new
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Four month drug free anniversary post
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This is a brain injury situation new
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List of symptoms at 4 and 1/2 months drug free
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What is up with me July 7, 2010
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An update with an inspiring message from Baylissa Frederick too
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The mental health professional and the patient wrapped into one
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Why I’m pro-choice when it comes to drugs and medications
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To my psychiatrist, or “the disgruntled patient speaks”
2009
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My emerging spirituality
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In spite of arms being like wet noodles
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Valium crossover update
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Valium crossover insanity
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Brief Update in search of home-care
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Half-way point
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Getting better?!! The Klonopin/Valium Crossover
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Finding the right physical therapist My experience with home care—check the links in the body of the text for the rest of the story
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Orthostatic hypotension–the new problem I’m dealing with
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Prayer, meditation, anger and forgiveness (For those of you who are not spiritual this piece can be understood completely psychologically—one need not take the words in a spiritual sense)
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Sometimes I don’t want to put on a brave face
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My second blogiversary
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I “bump” into one of my abusive psychiatrist’s from years ago
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Pondering the past–healing journey –also letting go of anger
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Brief Update 3/09
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Strange anecdote
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An open letter to liberals and feminists A political piece
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Sharing something of a delicate nature: does one ever medicate?
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If you read a single post on this blog let it be this one
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Dear family and friends — a brief history for those who don’t ordinarily follow my blog
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The 39 drugs I’ve been on
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This ain’t no psych ward, nor is it a traditional detox but I still feel like shit
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So what is up with Gianna
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An open letter to those without debilitating chronic illness
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Having been victim to people’s gross and negligent dogma (both pro and anti-pharma)
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My therapeutic process…my readers, my therapy
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Update 6/17/09
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The proverbial light…
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Psych meds make you fat…
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Letter to detox center that screwed me
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Living with chronic illness, why are we invisible?
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Personal Update 12/09
2008
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Celebrating bipolar overawareness week
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Symptoms and Acceptance
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Current treatment that is really healing me
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Celebration Time
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When things fall apart
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Crisis Diverted
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Short and sweet update
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I am not a role model
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I’m sick
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Moving towards wellness
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Meanderings and Soteria House
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Abuse and dissociation arise
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I have an accident to prove that, yeah, I probably shouldn’t be driving
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To be or not to be: professional or consumer
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The latest as of 12/08
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Dissociation and Trauma arise
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Update 12/17/08
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Christmas 2008
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Another day in the life
2007
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The Beginning
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Radical Acceptance
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My struggle with anger
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The Power of Choice
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Critical Psychiatry
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Meds and Fat
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My sadistic therapist
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Getting my old psychiatric records
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On one of my psychiatrists
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On another psychiatrist I had only a little while –I found someone much better down the line
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My forced treatment
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On Anger
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Civil Rights
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Recovery–different strategies
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We need a paradigm shift
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Undiagnosing myself
*it is potentially dangerous to come off medications without careful planning. Please be sure to be well educated before undertaking any sort of discontinuation of medications. If your MD agrees to help you do so, do not assume they know how to do it well even if they claim to have experience. They are generally not trained in discontinuation and may not know how to recognize withdrawal issues. A lot of withdrawal issues are misdiagnosed to be psychiatric problems. This is why it’s good to educate oneself and find a doctor who is willing to learn with you as your partner in care. See: Psychiatric drug withdrawal and protracted withdrawal syndrome round-up
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Gianna ~
Thanks for your blog. I thought this interview with David Healy on bipolar disorder might possibly interest you and your readers:
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/side-effects/200904/bipolar-disorder-and-its-biomythology-interview-david-healy
Best regards,
Chris Lane
thank you Chris!