Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes. - Walt Whitman I needed to share Walt as I write from several different physiologies, thus perhaps appear inconsistent. It is my reality, however -- as my physiology switches so does my reality. *** I may be awake, I... Continue Reading →
Trust your exhaustion. Take a rest. A nap. STOP. It's okay. It's good to listen to the body. *** Both silence and stillness can be found in all movement and noise as well... silence and stillness are foundational...we need not stop doing anything nor do anything in particular to find them. *** I've been spending... Continue Reading →
Part of the success of this website has been my willingness (and need) to speak things that many of my readers were thinking but not yet saying. As I've gotten deeper into my trauma release and healing I've backed away from this site in many regards and ventured into dark areas of the psyche which even many people who had followed me for a long time no longer wanted to partake in. I've continued to post difficult material much of which continues to be trauma release, both for myself and for those who also, like me have wandered far into the abyss, by necessity, for their healing. Most of the people I've had the privilege of helping on this site have a radically different history than I've had. This is rarely acknowledged or understood. Most of the people with histories like mine are totally and completely swallowed by psychiatry and lost forever. I don't actually know anyone like me who has made it as far as I have off the drugs etc. It's a tragedy that hurts me. And so...this site, in part, is trauma release in the internet age.
I lay awake at 2:20 am this morning after going to bed at 8 pm. I was feeling a bit forlorn and I've had a really rough, homeless several months. Things are calming down now and I have a place to live for now but the chaos lingers in my body as it continues to... Continue Reading →
Update: I have heard from two women who have reported similar abuse. One of them has known him for many years and says this is a repeated behavior that he has played out with many women. This is why I did this so that he can be held accountable and women might no longer be... Continue Reading →
"I know this may sound strange but so often what we are reacting to is not being able to tolerate what is happening in our own sensations, emotions and experiences. We react to get rid of the feeling, to push away the sensations, because they are associated with something intolerable, painful and uneasy."
We're all selfish human beings in training to become the lovers we are as well. The surviving animal must be "selfish." As we come out of pure survival, the species depends on us becoming lover. Love madly, passionately, indiscriminately. Start with your own selfish self. *** let go. let go. let go. *** In surrender... Continue Reading →
The last few months have been hellish and difficult. As you may have noticed I stopped posting altogether for a while. I've moved to a new state and am now starting a new life with my partner, Paul Woodward and our three four-leggeds. I am blessed on this planet that includes heaven and hell in... Continue Reading →
did you know that daffodils are narcissus flowers?
Narcissism is a coping strategy for when one has been wounded in profound ways. Anyone who makes it in this world has to find some sort of narcissism in order to heal. What gets called malignant narcissism is only one manifestation. Survival demands narcissism. ...
I can’t not be me now, all of me. It’s all out there, no mask, no pretence, no condition shoulds or ways of being other than this. There is only so much space and time available to put myself into a straight jacket of someone else’s making. And so that requires of them the letting go of expectations and projections. It requires of them to relate with me in the now, in the present moment, in the rawness of life, in the truth of life. It requires of them to let go of any ideas of me and be with the reality of me. Anything else and it falls apart, anything else and it’s untruth burns brightly. Anything else and it gets shown for what it is... the conditioning of shoulds. I ask for authentic relating but I give it too, not as a virtue signal, a choice or a practice, but because life gives no other option, even when honestly I'd love an option to turn it off, turn it down!