“Today I felt worthless”

By Andrew Duff Mcduffee — I felt worthless because I was reflecting on mistakes I had made in the past. But ironically, feeling worthless doesn’t give me any energy or motivation to do anything to correct my mistakes in the present. So ultimately it’s not very useful. So I did a quick process to change my state, the process that has worked the best for me with states like worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness (what I consider to be the core of depression). …

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Musings on identity and self…

I often say about the voice I use in my work that I’m speaking as an empowered patient (rather than the professional I also am), but the fact is I’m speaking as a vulnerable human being — that which every seven billion of us are if we allow ourselves to be honest. We must rid our imaginations of artificial hierarchies. …

What does it mean to heal?

Healing to me does not mean returning to what one was before something went wrong. Wholeness does not necessarily mean normal. And even the word recovery is problematic because, frankly, I don’t want what I had before. Who wants to go backwards anyway?

“How did this happen? You’re the most resourced person I know. “

“How did this happen? You’re the most resourced person I know. ” That was one of my friend’s response when they heard about what happened to me in December when I ended up in the ICU with the precipitous sodium drop (hyponatremia) that almost killed me.  It happened after I took a pharmaceutical for 3 days — the first pharmaceutical I’ve taken since I came off a massive cocktail of psych drugs 8 years ago. The above quoted question and sentence keeps coming back to me since, I too, have had my own version of that inquiry within.

Beyond withdrawal…

I see in retrospect that some core, vital part of me was always there during the drugged years, learning and remembering much that would help me in these years of coming off meds and now being med free. I no longer believe that I “lost” my life to drugs. This is, as Mary Oliver, puts it, my “one wild and precious life.”