Hi. I continue to feel as though most of the time I have no idea what to write about. The spirit moves me from time to time and something pops out. The spirit isn’t particularly moving me today but I thought I’d let everyone know that the “step-up” in my withdrawal is going well. I say this on the eve of my monthly premenstrual onslaught, so we’ll see how things continue. But for now I actually have been feeling better oddly enough.
I started walking again every day and I started Qi Gong. Those two things alone indicate that something has changed for me. There has been an attitude change, subtle and deep. It’s not a mood. My mood still sucks and I suffer most of the time. But I have an optimism that was absent until recently. And it’s there in spite of often feeling quite miserable.
I still can’t make commitments without letting whoever I’ve made the “commitment” with that I may have to bail at the last minute. I’m often simply too exhausted to drive and often I just don’t want to talk to people who don’t get what I’m going through—the withdrawals and the grief of losing my brother. But I’m learning to live my life with these limitations and I think I’m finally accepting my isolation as a result of my limitations. I know it is temporary.
Yes, life is good in a strange but uplifting way. Speeding up the withdrawal I think has been good for my spirits. I want to get the heck off of this stuff so that I can heal and reinvent myself—-what does my future hold?? Oh, sometimes that is that hardest thing, but I think I’m learning to let go of needing to know that too.