Brief update

Hi. I continue to feel as though most of the time I have no idea what to write about. The spirit moves me from time to time and something pops out. The spirit isn’t particularly moving me today but I thought I’d let everyone know that the “step-up” in my withdrawal is going well. I say this on the eve of my monthly premenstrual onslaught, so we’ll see how things continue. But for now I actually have been feeling better oddly enough.

I started walking again every day and I started Qi Gong. Those two things alone indicate that something has changed for me. There has been an attitude change, subtle and deep. It’s not a mood. My mood still sucks and I suffer most of the time. But I have an optimism that was absent until recently. And it’s there in spite of often feeling quite miserable.

I still can’t make commitments without letting whoever I’ve made the “commitment” with that I may have to bail at the last minute. I’m often simply too exhausted to drive and often I just don’t want to talk to people who don’t get what I’m going through—the withdrawals and the grief of losing my brother. But I’m learning to live my life with these limitations and I think I’m finally accepting my isolation as a result of my limitations. I know it is temporary.

Yes, life is good in a strange but uplifting way. Speeding up the withdrawal I think has been good for my spirits. I want to get the heck off of this stuff so that I can heal and reinvent myself—-what does my future hold?? Oh, sometimes that is that hardest thing, but I think I’m learning to let go of needing to know that too.

About Monica Cassani

Author/Editor Beyond Meds: Everything Matters

5 Responses

  1. ama

    beautiful post. i love the distinction between sucky mood and miserableness on the one hand, and uplifting optimism on the other. i totally get it. it’s lovely.

    i also love that you are saying that you are learning to let go of needing to know what the future will be like. i get that, too. maybe it’s part of the optimism. maybe you are feeling that it will be all right, and that it’s okay not to know the interesting, inventive, fabulous ways in which it will be all right.

    hugs and good luck!

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  2. I sense a deeper recovery, something more lasting and trustworthy. Your patience and determination is amazing. I’m glad to hear you are being gentle with yourself and not making too many demands.

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  3. So glad to read this ama. Walking every day has been huge for me, both medically and emotionally. Whenever I can let go of worrying about the future, I feel so much better. I used to think living in the moment was some silly theory, but I don’t think that anymore, it really is the best way for me to live personally.

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