I don’t want to be here right now

I have that overwhelming desire to just not be feeling what I’m feeling right now. This feeling has no content. I’m not thinking anything. I’m not actually even thinking “I want to die.” But its the feeling I have had in the past that I usually associate with the thought “I want to die.”

It was triggered by a quasi-argument with my husband. He reacted to what was, indeed, my self-absorption–but it was a neutral self-absorption. When he gets angry as a result of it and expresses it I regress into a pile of gelatin. I am reminded of how deeply flawed I am. I am convinced of my worthlessness. I would want to die right now if I believed it was a way out, but I don’t anymore, so I just get stuck in a hell hole.

It will pass.

About Monica Cassani

Author/Editor Beyond Meds: Everything Matters

4 Responses

  1. Alison Hymes

    Perfect people and saints make me nervous and irritable. I truly doubt your husband would enjoy living with a saint. You have flaws=you are human. Show me someone who isn’t deeply flawed and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t have many friends :).

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  2. Alison Hymes

    Perfect people and saints make me nervous and irritable. I truly doubt your husband would enjoy living with a saint. You have flaws=you are human. Show me someone who isn’t deeply flawed and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t have many friends :).

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  3. Gianna

    thanks Alison,
    Like I said at the end of the post, the feeling would pass and it did. It’s not such a terribly frequent visitor anymore. I was, in general, in a bad mood, tho, having had cramps for more days than usual.

    Sometimes, going thru what I’m going thru I feel pathetic and other times I feel really angry.

    As I heal and as I get thru what my brother is dealing with, I imagine some calm will return.

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  4. Gianna

    thanks Alison,
    Like I said at the end of the post, the feeling would pass and it did. It’s not such a terribly frequent visitor anymore. I was, in general, in a bad mood, tho, having had cramps for more days than usual.

    Sometimes, going thru what I’m going thru I feel pathetic and other times I feel really angry.

    As I heal and as I get thru what my brother is dealing with, I imagine some calm will return.

    Like

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