I did something very normal and usual last night–for most people. I went to a farewell party of a close friend. I was out from 7 pm to 11 pm. I had two and a half beers. I had fun. A lot of fun. Healthy good fun, right? Then why, on the walk back to my car was I in tears?
I don’t go out in the evening virtually ever anymore. My body doesn’t tolerate it. I’m tired out by about 9 pm and I can’t drink alcohol or I have to leave 30 minutes after the drink –wiped out and hung over within the hour.
It wasn’t always like this. Even on high doses of meds I could still go out at night for most of my adult life and I always loved the night and the quality of social engagement that happens at night. I don’t like drunkenness or drugs but I liked a couple of drinks with other responsible adults in an ambiance filled with music or the happy noise of a crowd enjoying themselves in a restaurant, bar or club. Or, alternatively, I liked a quiet night out at a friends house with dinner and conversation that goes on late into the night. I don’t do any of that anymore. Stimulation and noise don’t agree with me anymore and I just get pooped out really early.
How did I manage to go out last night? First I really wanted to celebrate my friend. Then I deviously figured out how to mistreat my body into behaving so that I could. First, right before leaving the house I had a cup of tea with four bags of tea in it. (I knew I wouldn’t tolerate coffee, but I suspected I could get away with the tea, and I did.) I drank the tea knowing that it would be overwhelming and that I would need a beer or two to take the edge off. I calculated that this would give me a pleasant energetic feeling that would allow me to socialize successfully. It worked. I was my old self. Fun and self-assured. I met people I didn’t know and felt really good. And I wasn’t tired until 11 pm instead of the usual 8 or 9 when I generally stop taking phone calls at home and want absolutely no stimulation.
Since about 10 months ago when I started the withdrawals in earnest, I’ve become chronically fatigued and socially awkward. One drink makes me sick within a half an hour. I cannot stay out even at a friends house for dinner. In general, I’ve accepted this as part of the deal, but last night as I left the party and walked back to my car I cried for everyone on the street to see. I was in mourning for a life I can no longer live. I knew that last night was a special occasion. That I can not abuse my body like that in general and that the next day (today) I would feel like shit, as indeed I do.
I hope that the great sensitivity I have to stimulation will pass once the withdrawals are complete, but I don’t know that it will.
Last night we got treated to a surprise fireworks show while perched on a balcony far above a bar that serves the people on it–the balcony fondly known as the “Star Lounge.” It was lovely. And I’m so glad I got to share the evening with my good friend who is leaving the area indefinitely and perhaps permanently. All of us there celebrated our good friend and the time in which we knew her.
I won’t be doing anything like this again for a long time. I won’t take the chance of hurting myself on a regular basis. I feel like I got away with something. I know it could have easily backfired–I might have suffered the consequences immediately, and I know that if I try it again the chance of backfiring well before the next day, as is the case today, is high. There is a deep sadness in me. I don’t have fun very often anymore. And I’m paying a price for last nights fun. Don’t get the picture wrong here–I didn’t use to need any caffeine or alcohol to bring out the fun socialite in me, though when I did have a beer or a glass of wine, there was never a cost to it in the past.
I crave my social self back. Where is the social butterfly I know so well? Will she return? Last night was a little hiatus from the loneliness and isolation I find myself in these days. And so I cried on the way back to my car last night, knowing that it was an isolated incident.
Addendum: I don’t think it’s clear how much I regret how I treated my body last night. I feel so much worse than usual today. I may mourn what I can no longer do, but forcing it to happen is much worse than living without it. And now I’m beating myself up, because I have nothing else or no one else to blame but myself for how I feel today. I want to ask forgiveness of someone or something greater than myself. Something that can offer me peace and condolences. But I have to ask myself for that forgiveness and I’m too unhappy with myself today to do so.
Everything Matters 
Mike,
I’m guessing that’s you–
I love getting your comments–could you remember to sign them. It gets very confusing to have lots of Anonymous’s.
Alternatively and perhaps better, I also think you can choose a name by selecting “other” when you make your comment–then your name will show up at the beginning of the post. I’m not sure how difficult blogger makes this so I trust you will do what is most convenient for you.
It’s good to hear that you see many people moving beyond the acute sensitivity we are talking about, but I think I still need to think in terms of accepting my current reality as it could be several years before I see improvement and from what I’ve learned there are many people who do, indeed, live their whole lives like this–I don’t want to miss out on living while waiting for a change that may never occur. I need to make the best of my circumstances and accept my limitations and make my sensitivities “work” for me.
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I agree, Gianna. This is purely neurological. I’ve observed hundreds if not thousands of people who have experienced these symptoms in AD and benzo withdrawal. Light/sound sensitivity are also common symptoms of traumatic brain injury. When I worked in a clinic doing neuropsych. assessments every room had a floor lamp and dimmer switch for this reason.
I can tell you that my light/sound sensitivities have improved over time and based on what I’ve seen in others I expect a near-full recovery in this respect. Unfortunately it’s going to take a while.
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Hey there y’all–
Ruth I just purchased The Highly Sensitive Person with a heads up from a woman with a blog with the name “A Highly Sensitive Woman’s New View on Mental Illness.”
http://outsidetheboxblog.wordpress.com/
She posted the quiz to determine whether or not you are “highly sensitive” on her blog and I rated very high. I thought it was an interesting way to look at things too. It’s coming in the mail.
And again, I appreciate all the empathizing and I realize I’m not alone, but I am, in general, talking about not keeping up with my friends, most of whom are older than me.
For example, on Sat. there is a big party (a gathering for everyone in the community,singles and partners with their children, retired people–everyone–not a wild event, just good old fashion fun) for the July 4th holiday. It starts at about 3 pm and goes until dark for fireworks. I go every year and have in the past been able to handle it quite well having a great time. I doubt I’ll be able to stay more than a couple of hours max this year regardless of time of day. This has nothing to do with being middle aged or being unable to handle a beer. It’s simple over-stimulation and the HSP description fits that better than anything else.
Anyway, it’s clear I need to stop crying about it and just deal. But I do think that this is a sensitivity that goes well beyond what is “normal.” But who here is normal anyway!!
I wish I could say I don’t feel frustrated about it. That I see we all share sensitivities, but damn, I do still feel frustrated. I WILL be working on accepting reality though. It certainly doesn’t help to feel bad about what is now my natural state of being, for whatever reason.
I imagine some of these sensitivities will remit once the withdrawals are over. I’d like to at least be able to handle the quiet dinner parties I’m talking about. No drinking or loud music or crowds there.
And yes, Ruth, I haven’t been to a concert in ages–but the last one was two virtuoso mandolin players! Hardly hard core rock and roll. But I was up late and very wasted the next day. I can’t help but wish I could enjoy something like that or the theater at night. People go to the theatre well into their 70’s and do just fine. My mother age 69 goes to music shows–nothing we would watch, but she’s up late and never says she’s wiped out for two days after that.
This is just another thing I’m bitter about that comes as a result of drug damage. That is what I’m having a hard time swallowing. But like with all aspects of being fucked by drugs for the last 20 years I have to let go for my own peace of mind.
The Highly Sensitive Woman in one of her comments talks about making her sensitivities “work” for her. Well I intend how to figure out how to do that.
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I’m finding I’m less and less able to stay out late and I don’t think I quite qualify as middle aged, at least not yet. (I don’t think of 42 as being middle-aged, although I do think a lot people notice the party animal inside them retiring sometime during their 30s.) But already, it seems, to paraphrase a line of Bill Hicks’s, I need at least ten hours of sleep a day… and eight hours a night.
Maybe that now I’m in a reasonably safe place, physically and emotionally, my body is making up for all those years of sleeping three hours a night and jumping at every sound, or heading out after dark and just walking walking walking because staying still was just too frightening.
It frustrates me a bit because it seemed like my body decided to slow down just as I was beginning to come out of my shell, make new friends, and be able to afford to go out to restaurants, bars, shows and movies in the evenings. Like you, I’m not talking serious partying here – just standard socialising, a few friends, a few drinks and a few laughs. Of course, the activity that presents the most difficulty is concerts, since the main act rarely appears before 11pm. Which is kind of ironic given my taste in music – I tend to be into the old farts who’d you’d think would want to get their sets over and done with so they can be home in bed by 11pm, not still pissing around backstage.
You and Mike bring up the subject of sensitivities. A few years ago I read a book called the ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ by Elaine Aron. While I’m not sure the science is water-tight, it certainly did ring many bells for me, as I worked in a large open-plan office at the time and found the phones constantly ringing, the photocopiers and printers beeping and whirring and having people sneaking up behind me when I was working utterly overwhelming. The author has a website here http://www.hsperson.com/.
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Gianna, I think this has to do with being [older]non-20somthings.Your spirit and party-soul is still there, but hell we can’t keep up like we used to, cause that’s how it just gets. being that i have a few 20somethings for kids and one in particular that drags me everywhere, and past 9pm LOL; well I pay the price for 2 weeks after that. I could meditate, drink beer, herbal tea, doesnt matter, we are existing in middle age bodies! I say this from experience, we are mourning the ability to keep up, but we certainly are not saying we dont know how to have FUN.–PS I’m 47.
Watch the “Four Seasons” with Alan Alda. Priceless humor about this.
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Gianna, I think this has to do with being [older]non-20somthings.Your spirit and party-soul is still there, but hell we can’t keep up like we used to, cause that’s how it just gets. being that i have a few 20somethings for kids and one in particular that drags me everywhere, and past 9pm LOL; well I pay the price for 2 weeks after that. I could meditate, drink beer, herbal tea, doesnt matter, we are existing in middle age bodies! I say this from experience, we are mourning the ability to keep up, but we certainly are not saying we dont know how to have FUN.–PS I’m 47.
Watch the “Four Seasons” with Alan Alda. Priceless humor about this.
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Another thing to clarify. Last night was a very calculated risk I took. It is not something I will do again. I was cringing while planning it and I knew I was being reckless. I do not make a habit of such behavior. I am in general religiously cautious and I stick to a strict diet and lifestyle. I considered not posting about last night, but in the interest of showing my humanity and being honest about the trials I am living through and how I am an imperfect being like the everybody else, I chose to share it.
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Another thing to clarify. Last night was a very calculated risk I took. It is not something I will do again. I was cringing while planning it and I knew I was being reckless. I do not make a habit of such behavior. I am in general religiously cautious and I stick to a strict diet and lifestyle. I considered not posting about last night, but in the interest of showing my humanity and being honest about the trials I am living through and how I am an imperfect being like the everybody else, I chose to share it.
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Mike,
….talking about sunglasses…sometimes I have to wear them at night in the house. Sometimes I have to turn off all the lights completely.
And I have all the sensitivities you mention. I really did push the boundaries last night.
Again thanks for your support. Your messages both yesterday and today have been greatly appreciated.
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Ha! You made me laugh. Yes I guess I am middle aged! 42 years old. But partying?? Is being able to tolerate the noise of a crowd and a single alcoholic beverage really partying? Is it just for people under 30? I get invited out by friends much older than I and they seem to be able to handle this kind of activity. I’m not talking about going out and being crazy. I can’t even handle quiet evenings in friends homes, as I said.
But I do appreciate that things change with age. And since I wrote this this morning, I also realize I need to simply accept my limitations and then I won’t feel so sorry for myself.
The thing that is most painful is that I don’t feel like I have enough social interactions. I am very social and I miss having contact with people as frequently as I used to–I’m simply sensitive to stimulation of all kinds.
Also, socializing doesn’t have to be at night, but most people work during the day, so usually when I’m invited out–it’s the evening–party or not. And evening is difficult for me regardless of the activity.
I’m really not bemoaning the inability to party or imbibe alcohol. I never did much of that (since my early 20’s)I’m lamenting being able to go out AT ALL. The only reason I did the caffeine/alcohol thing last night was because I knew I would not be able to get through the evening at all without it. That was never the case in the past. I didn’t need anything to have fun.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I simply have very little energy and socializing seems to zap me within an hour or so.
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Sounds like a predictable and even productive bump in the road to me. How human of you to want to take back your life… to push the boundaries a bit, to grieve these temporary losses.
I know you know this but the sensitivities to substances, supplements, exercise, stimulation is all par for the course. For some it can be very severe… to the point of wearing earplugs or sunglasses…
Keep up the good fight, Gianna…
Mike
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You have a great skill in writing. I don’t think you are unique in not being able to party anymore. I think its just that our bodies are not 18 years old anymore. We might be middle aged.
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