Well, I’m feeling like I need to clarify what motivated me to write the last post on this blog. It seems that because I used a party to illustrate my issue that people understood that to mean I was complaining about not being able to “party.” While it is true, I can no longer “party,” I don’t want to “party” anymore. I do want to be able to gather with groups of people and enjoy myself, however. This I have problems doing no matter how low key the environment is.
What I was really talking about is the chronic fatigue accompanied by an acute sensitivity to any kind of stimulation I face every day of my life. Too many people, too much stimulation. Sometimes one person is too much stimulation. While it’s true I may have always had traits of “The Highly Sensitive Person,” it is clear to me that the damage wrought by psycho-pharmaceuticals in the last twenty years and now the process of withdrawal from them is the main cause of what is essentially a neurological condition. My body and brain have been attacked and I hope I am in the process of healing.
I cannot do ORDINARY things that people well into their seventies can do and enjoy. I cannot go out and run errands for more than a couple of hours and even just those couple of hours do me in. The stimulation of driving and then being in public, chaotic environments like stores overwhelm me. I usually can’t be anywhere outside my home regardless of environment for more than a couple of hours.
Traveling is extremely difficult. I loved to travel. Long car trips or plane rides fuck with me now. I don’t sleep for several days after that kind of stimulation. Yes, it is stimulating to sit in a car or plane even when not driving.
I cannot go out in the evening at all without regretting it to some degree the next day regardless of what the activity is.
I can no longer exercise vigorously. As little as a year an a half ago, before starting my withdrawals in earnest I hiked for hours in the forested mountains where I live. That was the source of my greatest joy. I lived for those times quite literally. Now even a slow paced walk on a flat surface can do me in within a half an hour. This happened while being in superb shape. I did not stop because I was lazy leading to becoming out of shape. I was forced to stop because even in the great physical condition I was in it started to make me sick as my sensitivity to stimulation became more and more severe. And yes, exercise is stimulating–ever hear of runner’s high? I don’t get high anymore–I get burnt out instead and real damn quick.
It is important to note that this is normal for what I am going through. The online communities of those of us withdrawing from psychiatric medications speak of this problem all the time. It is frustrating for anyone of any age. As Mike comments in the comment section of the last post, people become so sensitive that earplugs and sunglasses become necessary. I use sunglasses indoors sometimes.
I realize my tone is somewhat defensive. I’m not pleased about that, but I wanted to communicate that I am not dealing with something that everyone naturally goes through. I am dealing with something that people who have been poisoned by psych meds naturally go through. I am not alone in this, but it is not normal. Unfortunately it makes me angry. I will do much better when I let go of the bitterness that I’ve adopted since realizing how psychiatry has fucked with my life.
I hold good faith that I will come through this stronger and that I will let go of my bitterness. But right now I’m in the process of mourning the loss of many things in my life that made me happy. I was very social and I was very active. My life has become diminished for the time being. I trust that much of this will be temporary even if a protracted temporary.