Ahhh!!! Well yesterday first thing in the morning I said, “I do believe I’m coming back.” Granted I’m still skeptical but damn did I have a good rest of the day yesterday.
I drove myself into town to do some errands — specifically buy supplies for my Klonopin water titration. (which a couple of you expressed concern about doing too quickly–I do intend to wait until I see if this boost I’m feeling lasts a bit–don’t worry and thanks so much for your support)
Anyway the errand wasn’t enough–I wanted to do more. I called several friends but no one was around or they were busy. I decided to go to church!!! There is a really funky, fun, nondenominational, non-dogmatic, eclectic church in this nearby town that I’ve been to about 4 other times. I remembered what time it started so I arrived in good time.
I, very happily, ran into a young man I knew from a Zen center I’ve spent some time with in the past and we had a delightful chat for half an hour before the service started.
Then equally delightfully there were two performances. One by an exquisite dancer and one by a visiting artist from Norway who sang beautiful haunting songs in Norwegian. It was all quite a high and I even burst out crying when the congregation was told to hug everyone in peace. (yes that was a bit awkward, but it seems there are always people crying at these services so I didn’t feel so bad–the woman next to me was crying when we sang a song earlier in the service)
I got out of church after giving my phone number to the nice guy I had hooked up with again so that I could have him and his girlfriend over to visit me and my husband. He was really such a nice guy–I really clicked with him!
So then, I still didn’t want to go home–I was tasting freedom for the first time in what seems months. I went to our natural foods grocery store to have their buffet lunch. Yummy. Then out to the car to make phone calls again. I talked to a couple of local friends but no one was able to hook up still, so I went home.
By the time I got home I’d been out 5 hours and still felt good. (mind you the exhaustion is still present but I was in a great mood–and my positive psyche led me forward throughout the day) And here we are the next day–I seem to be in the same state. Exhausted yes, but with a will to live which seemed to have disappeared there for a while–I do believe though that the lost “will” was due to a greater fatigue and exhaustion not a desire to stop living or to die. When I say the “will to live” had left me, that’s not quite right, because the truth is I wanted to do all sorts of things. I simply couldn’t.
I am still fatigued, but not to the same extreme. Before I could not even imagine leaving the house, now not only can I imagine, but I’m doing it!!
So for a second day in a row I sing hallelujah, knowing that I can only count on this present moment to be peaceful, for alas all things pass!!
I’m going out today again to be part of a group I’ve wanted to be involved in for months but have not had the energy to go. This is great!
Drug withdrawal is not hell every minute–there are just many down times as you have now witnessed. They will return, but I then can remember I have good times too. Making it very easy to remember “this too shall pass” and as a reader commented, “the only constant is change.”