Nightmare

I had a nightmare last night. Both my sister-in-law and my younger brother were dying. I awoke after giving my sister-in-law a kiss as she lay there on her death bed. Upon awakening I was struck with grief for my dead brother as fresh as the day he died. I wept out loud and spoke to him.

I don’t think of him often. I don’t know why.

The night before I had a dream with him in it. He was healthy and back from the dead. That dream didn’t trigger any painful feelings.

I’m waiting for the agony of the last Risperdal taper to go away and it’s not. I suffer horrible withdrawal symptoms before my evening dose.

Also, I can pretty much call myself homebound now due to the chronic fatigue this withdrawal has caused. I’m trying to accept my new, limited life. It’s not so new really, but it is finally sinking in. This is going to be the way it is for a while.

2 thoughts on “Nightmare”

Jayme says:

November 27, 2007 at 10:14 am

Having dreams and intense thoughts about your brother is something, I believe, to be expected. I say this only because when my brother died, I had very real dreams about him for months afterward. I believe he spoke to me, and I still believe it. That has nothing to do with medications, at least not in my case. The dreams were often disturbing, but some were more neutral. One nightmare I had was seeing my brother in the emergency room, pushed to a corner, forgotten. (He died in an emergency room.)

I have gotten much closer to my brother in death than I did in life. He is with me every time I think of him, and the first thing he said to me at his funeral was “I’m freeeee!” He was like a kid getting out of school for summer vacation. I know he is with me, and I love that knowingness.

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ama says:

November 27, 2007 at 5:14 am

maybe the dying sister in law you kissed was your healthy self. you are mourning yourself alongside your brother.

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