I’m leaning on not going to the detox facility. For a lot of reasons.
*I don’t want to be away from home for three months. *I am scared my cat will die while I’m away. (she’s old and I would be miserable if I knew I didn’t spend her last days with her) *I seem to be annoying the director with too many questions and that doesn’t bode well in terms of feeling welcome and made to feel safe. *I think I should be able to ask as many questions as I want and be answered respectfully if he expects me to stay for three months and pay a whole hell of a lot of money.
But my greatest reason for thinking I won’t go is because I fear triggering the trauma of having been psychiatrically hospitalized.
Though I have no doubt that the facility is a far cry from hospitalization, if I were to develop any sense of being controlled or told what to do ie: managed in any way I would freak. I am afraid of triggering the rage and sense of loss of control and freedom that the psych hospitals instilled in me. I realize that in this setting something that would trigger that would be most likely completely benign. Like being told I have to continue going to nutrition classes into the third month after I’ve already heard the spiel a dozen times. Or simply being told I have to stick to the program when I’m too tired and need a nap. Or if I am not allowed to go out and visit friends and family as it is close to where I have both friends and family. It’s certainly not a locked facility but when I asked about down-time and spending it with people outside the facility I got a sense of big hesitation on the part of the director. That made me feel scared. I cannot feel trapped. I don’t have major PTSD, but I definitely have a touch of it and having been locked up multiple times has put me on a hair trigger over these sorts of things they may remind me of much greater insults that I’ve endured and cause panic and/or hostility.
I wish I felt differently. I want to go and be “part of the program” and get along with everyone and feel safe. Feeling safe. I don’t think I would. I have extreme chronic fatigue. I am in severe pain due to endometriosis at least 3 days a month. I get a migraine about once a month. I really need to be able to do my own thing much of the time in order to take care of myself. A highly structured program doesn’t sound right for me right now. I wish it was otherwise.
I started my Lamictal taper tonight. I’m not sleeping. I’m up at 4:20 in the morning, but it’s not the tapering. It’s too early to be effected. Every now and then I just don’t sleep well. I usually get to sleep by 5 or 6 in the morning on these kind of nights and sleep 5 or 6 hours. It doesn’t happen all that often most of the time.
Oh, back on my hesitations about the program–I’ve thought more about it. Some of what led to the above conclusions were that I’ve had some email correspondence with the director and it seems he had given up on me, basically he simply ignored questions I had and answered an email with several questions I thought were important with a one liner—well before I had made a decision—I was a possible sale and as soon as I asked too many questions he gave up on me and didn’t take the time. Figured I wasn’t worth the time. This is not too smart since I’ve told him I have deep roots in the withdrawal community. He should have been courting me. If he really has a good program I would have gladly spread the word whether or not I decided to go. And REALLY I wanted to go— but I was in no way assured it would be safe for my needs. It’s a shame and I’m disappointed. Maybe in time I will learn it is a wonderful program and that he is simply not terribly skilled in working with people. Or at least people like me. Smart enough to ask a lot of questions about what three months of your life is going to be like while spending your life savings. It’s pretty infuriating really. This is a major decision and he has given me the impression that he wanted me to choose to go impulsively without enough information to make an informed choice. What does that make you think of? No thanks.