A facility may simply not be for me

I’m leaning on not going to the detox facility. For a lot of reasons.

*I don’t want to be away from home for three months. *I am scared my cat will die while I’m away. (she’s old and I would be miserable if I knew I didn’t spend her last days with her) *I seem to be annoying the director with too many questions and that doesn’t bode well in terms of feeling welcome and made to feel safe. *I think I should be able to ask as many questions as I want and be answered respectfully if he expects me to stay for three months and pay a whole hell of a lot of money.

But my greatest reason for thinking I won’t go is because I fear triggering the trauma of having been psychiatrically hospitalized.

Though I have no doubt that the facility is a far cry from hospitalization, if I were to develop any sense of being controlled or told what to do ie: managed in any way I would freak. I am afraid of triggering the rage and sense of loss of control and freedom that the psych hospitals instilled in me. I realize that in this setting something that would trigger that would be most likely completely benign. Like being told I have to continue going to nutrition classes into the third month after I’ve already heard the spiel a dozen times. Or simply being told I have to stick to the program when I’m too tired and need a nap. Or if I am not allowed to go out and visit friends and family as it is close to where I have both friends and family. It’s certainly not a locked facility but when I asked about down-time and spending it with people outside the facility I got a sense of big hesitation on the part of the director. That made me feel scared. I cannot feel trapped. I don’t have major PTSD, but I definitely have a touch of it and having been locked up multiple times has put me on a hair trigger over these sorts of things they may remind me of much greater insults that I’ve endured and cause panic and/or hostility.

I wish I felt differently. I want to go and be “part of the program” and get along with everyone and feel safe. Feeling safe. I don’t think I would. I have extreme chronic fatigue. I am in severe pain due to endometriosis at least 3 days a month. I get a migraine about once a month. I really need to be able to do my own thing much of the time in order to take care of myself. A highly structured program doesn’t sound right for me right now. I wish it was otherwise.

I started my Lamictal taper tonight. I’m not sleeping. I’m up at 4:20 in the morning, but it’s not the tapering. It’s too early to be effected. Every now and then I just don’t sleep well. I usually get to sleep by 5 or 6 in the morning on these kind of nights and sleep 5 or 6 hours. It doesn’t happen all that often most of the time.

Oh, back on my hesitations about the program–I’ve thought more about it. Some of what led to the above conclusions were that I’ve had some email correspondence with the director and it seems he had given up on me, basically he simply ignored questions I had and answered an email with several questions I thought were important with a one liner—well before I had made a decision—I was a possible sale and as soon as I asked too many questions he gave up on me and didn’t take the time. Figured I wasn’t worth the time. This is not too smart since I’ve told him I have deep roots in the withdrawal community. He should have been courting me. If he really has a good program I would have gladly spread the word whether or not I decided to go. And REALLY I wanted to go— but I was in no way assured it would be safe for my needs. It’s a shame and I’m disappointed. Maybe in time I will learn it is a wonderful program and that he is simply not terribly skilled in working with people. Or at least people like me. Smart enough to ask a lot of questions about what three months of your life is going to be like while spending your life savings. It’s pretty infuriating really. This is a major decision and he has given me the impression that he wanted me to choose to go impulsively without enough information to make an informed choice. What does that make you think of? No thanks.

20 thoughts on “A facility may simply not be for me

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  1. I found my way to your site by divine serendipity. I apologize if you felt shorted in my communications. That certainly was not my intent. I’m glad to see you’ve embraced the hypoglycemic connection.

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  2. Gianna,

    Lynn Michaels works with people on withdrawal from a variety of psych drugs –

    If you think it might help, you may want to call her or email her –

    Don’t want to push it –
    You decide what’s best for you…..

    Understand you’ve been tired
    (I have too)

    Take care,
    Duane

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  3. Sara,
    I didn’t get back to you and your brought up some good questions. First he has only gotten two people off of long-term use and that is only 5 years OFF AN ON and 7 years respectively. Also just a couple of drugs each. I’ve been on 20 years. I can’t help but be concerned the damage I’ve incurred could be much worse. I also was on as many as 7 drugs at one time.

    Yes he gave me a good first impression, but that is because he was trying to do so. As soon as he tired of my questions he ceased to be helpful and was even dismissive. I really could have been convinced to go. I really WANTED it to be the right thing. If he really had a good program I don’t know why he didn’t take the time to assure me.

    whatever.

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  4. Have to just second what others have said Gianna. It’s good you have listened to your intuition on this, tempting as it was to believe it might work.

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  5. Giana you said, “I fear triggering the trauma of having been psychiatrically hospitalized.”

    That is reason enough.

    Can’t you do what they were going to do on an outpatient basis with someone?

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  6. Oops,

    Just contacted Lynn Michaels (by email) – she uses a ‘variety’ of solutions – each unique – regarding referrals –

    Anyway, I have a great deal of confidence in Lynn – she researches, does her homework, and is a very empathetic person – who has been there (with withdrawls) herself –

    A good resource – a good webstie – a wonderful person –

    http://www.tapersafely.org

    A variety (not just one doctor) – my mistake –
    (Need to get more sleep),

    Duane

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  7. Taper Safely as far as I can tell deals exclusively with antidepressants. I went down that road a long time ago. AD’s were a piece of cake compared to what has followed, though I know some people have a real nightmare time of it.

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  8. Gianna,

    Lynn Michaels might be a good person to talk with – she runs a site called ‘Taper Safely’ –

    http://www.tapersafely.org

    You can contact her by phone or email off the site –
    it’s a non-profit organization Lynn set up

    She was making doctor referrals – she now refers everyone to one doctor – for tapering – this doctor puts together a customized plan for each individual –

    – maybe worth contacing her?

    Duane

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  9. I’m not going to make a post out of this because I’m sick of docs, but the doc who works with the program is not part of the program. He is contracted to work with them. He has a private practice on his own. I may be able to get advice on withdrawal from him. He is orthomolecular and prescribes the stuff given to the people at the program. I’m just so sick of looking for external answers though and last time I went to a orthomolecular doctor near my home she was a joke.

    Anyway—we’ll see. I can go see this guy easily if I want because his practice is very near a friends house that I would be more than happy to visit.

    It’s easing the withdrawals I’m wanting to figure out. My diet is very good—but some tricks with specific amino acids might be helpful.

    I know that I have a lot of personal work to finish actual healing.

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  10. One red flag would be enough for me, but you have listed several. I know this is disappointing, but good call. I’m really sorry.

    Don’t give up hope. At this point, it may be all up to you again, but in the end, you may be more of an expert than the director of this place. Your OWN experience may be the most helpful thing for someone else in the future, and going through this process may be for the highest good.

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  11. Your reasoning is very sound and it does sound like it’s a “no go” at the moment. I admit to being a little disappointed. I think there is such a crying need for facilities like this but maybe more for “victims” less informed than Gianna. Also really curious if they do really have some magic formula that can hasten the process (other than peer support which might be the biggest factor in the end), like how much of a difference does that sauna make and stuff like that! I’d be interested in hearing more about the people (or was it just one person?) you know who went through it — had they been on drugs for a long time and several drugs at once? I would weigh the “patient” testimonials quite heavily even if the director appears to have dropped the ball. Your first impression of him was positive. Still this is a huge commitment and sacrifice and you have to feel one hundred percent right about it.

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  12. your concerns are very legitimate. You have good reasons to really think this through before making a firm decision. either way, it’s a good learning experience. I have confidence in you.

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  13. Their loss –
    Not yours.

    Your thinking has been wonderful on this entire thing –
    if you ever wonder about your own ‘mental health’ (whatever the hell that means…) – read some of your own writing Gianna – the way you research – your insight – your instincts

    You’re not ok.
    You’re more than ok.

    Duane

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  14. Thanks everyone. This has been disappointing, but it would have been much worse to go there and find out that I had these issues without thinking of them ahead of time.

    ama, you always make me feel heard!

    and Duane,
    you get the whole trigger thing….

    HSP woman! I get some pleasure out of how stupidly this guy handled me. If he actually knew the scope of my connections he would really kick himself. And I would love nothing more than to be able to tell people there was a safe and effective way to end withdrawal suffering much more easily. It’s his loss.

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  15. This guy made a big mistake!

    Don’t salespeople know that the smartest people could actually HELP their businesses?

    Why do we seem to threaten people, Gianna? We’re pleasant enough, we just want to practice due diligence.

    Maybe he got scared because of your involvement in the psychotropic withdrawal community. Maybe he’s not so sure of the integrity of his product.

    That’s great you found out now.

    But, like AMA writes, new things will come up.

    Seriously, good going listening to your intuition and all.

    Geez, the advertisement this guy could have had!

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  16. Gianna,

    I’ve been listening to you walk through this decision for a while – and have found it very interesting –

    When you mention that this director is not listening to your questions – hasn’t the time to be bothered –

    When you mention the feelings about being hospitalized – the ‘flashbacks’ to earlier times, and the sense of not having control –

    These are enough –

    I’m the kind that thinks it best that people make their own decisions – and stand by them with whatever they decide –

    But, on this one – if it were me – I would not only say ‘No’ –
    I say ‘Hell No’!

    Lastly, I was hospitalized 28 years ago – once in a psychiatric facility – after being on Geodon, for only six months (two years ago), I ‘broke’ on the depression-side of things – Didn’t know what to do – had a family member drive me to an ER (mistake) – found myself ‘voluntarily’ hospitalized – for five minutes –

    Walked in – walked right back out (thank God) – the memories of these incarcerations (‘hospitalizations’ – yeah, right!) last a while – how long?

    In my opinion they are deeply imbedded for the rest of our lives – sure, we don’t have to think about them – we don’t have to re-live them, etc – but the trauma – it’s there –

    If you are having concerns about how this (true hospitalization) might feel like the others (the ‘incarcerations), I would drop the thing like a hot potato –

    Hope I’m not over-stepping here – I respect all of the work you’ve done – all of the research – but, if I felt like you seem to feel – I would go with my gut, and so ‘No’.

    Duane

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  17. yeah, man, fuck this shit.

    i’m serious. your reasoning here seems all right — all of it makes total sense. and you say it well here: “If it doesn’t feel right then it simply is not.”

    it’s okay, gianna. new things will come up. don’t give up hope. la speranza è l’ultima a morire!!!!!

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