Where is home? This homecoming has not been sweet. I went straight into my overstimulated-hell hole after traveling and began immediately lamenting leaving CA. I’m not happy here and it’s visceral. I watched a movie while in CA and it showed a scene of the Kentucky Mountains which look much like where I live and when I saw that scene I had a sinking feeling that made me feel sick. This has simply never felt like home. And I’ve tried for over half a decade now.
I’ve in turn made my husband feel distraught. It feels impossible for me to live here any longer and for him, with his new job it seems impossible for him to leave. He also likes it here. We are both in pain.
I hope my oversensitive nervous system calms down soon from the travel, but it doesn’t help that I’m having all this conflict with my husband. I am afraid. Deeply terrified.
Does anyone know what it feels like to live somewhere that DOES NOT feel like home. I was so happy in CA. Everything is different. It feels like my soul is demanding that I be there. I want this to be different. I want to want to stay here and be with my husband. This has been going on for several years though and it’s finally hit a high note. I’ve never stayed in CA for a whole month before. I’ve gotten home (here) and I haven’t left the house in four days. I’m so isolated, there is nowhere to go without driving a long distance. And I feel unwell. In the bay area everything is either a 5- 10 minute walk or drive. I got out even when I felt like shit.
We talk about me going and getting a place in the bay area and living separate for awhile. The thought sickens me. My terror is that he won’t follow. I’ve not been easy to live with for a long time now. I wouldn’t blame him if he gave up on me.
And I can’t possibly continue my taper under these circumstances I need to feel somewhat free of stress. I was so distraught last night having caused both myself and husband pain that I took extra drugs. My CNS was on fire. I wanted to knock myself out. And so I did. I slept 12 hours. I just took enough that would guarantee me a long hard sleep. My fantasies went elsewhere, though I am not at risk of suicide, I think about it when things get really rough. Permanent sleep. Permanent solution to a difficult problem. It’s more of a habit that anything else—no risk of actually doing it.
And so this is life. Interrupting my withdrawals dammit. I’m too delicate still to deal with this raw deal kind of life shit. Will I ever toughen up? Life always brings shit, you know. No one is immune from that. Is this my fault should I be able to accept reality—life here, not in CA?
So for now I need to try to mellow out. Ride out the pain that is inevitable with the stimulation of travel and the conflict at home. See if things cool down at home. I need to figure out what my options are and what is actually tolerable or not. Right now I can’t see any answers at all. All options seem to suck.