Where am I now?

My journey has become intimately internal. Having shed the majority of my drugs I now find myself staring at myself—a self I have never had the privilege to come to know. Right now I don’t feel I can be particularly articulate about this part of my journey. That may change over time, but for now I will leave you with a brief explanation of how I see my life playing out at the moment.

I am in town house sitting for a friend. I am alone. If I want I call someone or have a meal with my husband—I don’t have energy for people more than a couple of hours a day and not everyday. I need people and I need them close by (the town as opposed to being out in the boonies where I was) but I need them only when I feel I can handle them. I get overstimulated and hypersensitive to everything. I need peace. I need to hear my own thoughts. This feels good. I know I am taking care of myself. I will find a small apartment once this gig is up. It will be able to accommodate both me and my husband and my pets.

I have started a personal hand written journal and drawing with pastels. I have a new therapist who is promising. She suggested I do both things. I plan to start yoga, and meditation in time, but I think my mind needs a bit more clearing and my body a bit more energy. I suffer from a deep, profound enervation and I still have terrible brain fog from the remaining drugs in my system.

Throughout this traumatic time I have a sense of the divine at work. The right people are coming forward to support me. My husband is by my side supporting my quest to find myself.

I need to be quiet now. This may last days or it might last longer—I never know how these mind/body/spirit states will run their courses.

I am profoundly grateful to be in a circumstance in which I will be able to live alone for some unspecified time while I check inside and find my scattered soul.

11 thoughts on “Where am I now?

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  1. I like when you said that you need to hear your own thoughts. I’ve been writing in a journal for years. It sure helps me find what my thoughts are. Many of my mood swings are from semi-hidden thoughts. I have to look at my motives. Sometimes my mind shuts down because someone hurt me or a dream that I’ve had for a long time died.

    Things like exercise or yoga get me in the mood to listen to my thoughts. I’m a well trained depressive: I bury hurt and anger instead of doing something about it. I need to acknowledge my thoughts to myself. I’m not evil for thinking negative things. I’m not committing sins; I’m just being human. But, many thoughts can not be acted upon. I can express my thoughts in a notebook and leave them there.

    Shakespere said, “To thine onself be true.” Writing will help you with this. That quote is on many of the chips that alcoholics get at AA Meetings for anniverseries. Recovering alcoholics need to be aware of their thoughts, feelings, motives or they will be forced to go drink again.
    Good Luck,
    Jim S

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  2. I’m glad that you’ve plotted a course for yourself for this next period of time. It always seems to help me to have Some Sort of plan 😉 Don’t forget that you can get massage therapy here VERY cheaply–perhaps that would help ease some of the tension out of your body and, thus, allow your mind to relax more. I wish you all the best luck in finding an apartment that will be suitable for you. Just call me if you need help with anything…

    Love… Sky

    P.S. If it helps you, when you call me, you can start right out by saying things such as: “I only need you to listen” or “I need ideas about —-” or “Do I sound totally whacko to you when I say —–” or “I’m feeling ‘chatty’ at the moment although that feeling could go away at any time” or “I need to do something strictly for FUN. Would you like to go —- with me?”

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  3. During my 2 wk off time I need people, but I can’t deal w/ people. I, like you, don’t have the energy to answer questions, even the smallest of questions.

    It’s so sad, hormones are a crazy deal. My other 2 wks I love being around people, with people.

    I am glad that you are able to do what you are doing, getting the apt and all. I am a city girl and have always said, I would be so depressed living in the country, or away from everyone. Even if I don’t know all my neighbors, I can go outside when it’s sunny and see people. People walking their dogs, playing w/ their kids, etc…

    A VERY long time ago I did out patient counseling. I would go all day, and then go home at night. They ‘allowed’ medicating if you felt you needed it. I passed and they didn’t have any problem w/ that. They also had a ton of hands on classes you had to take. One was a drawing class, the other you built things, then an exercise class, etc…

    I was/am terrible at drawing, building, etc… I much prefer writing, but it was very relaxing participating in the classes. It’s as if my mind was able to wonder, think, just relax during these times. It seemed ridiculous and made me angry when I was having some tough times, but a requirement. And, you know, every time I would start the project my mind would relax, allow for learning/listening within myself.

    Good luck to you on your journey. I have been fortunate to have come across a couple of good counselors and courses. It sounds like you have too.

    Stef

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  4. Art & journaling will bring out a lot in you. Sounds lovely and expressive. I like working with pastels. They are very hands-on. I would rub the colours in a lot. You can also use a paint brush with a little water on a finished piece to saturate the colours. Enjoy.

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