Two little stories

I’ve lost twenty pounds now but I don’t feel good about it. I’ve lost my appetite almost completely and that is not a good thing.

My favorite activity in life has been cooking. Strangely enough, mostly through habit, I continue to cook when I am strong enough to stand through the process. The other reason is because if I don’t have very good, tasty food to eat, I can’t get anything down. I miss enjoying food. It’s really quite painful. I do want food and feel hungry from time to time but it makes me sick after a very small meal which makes me wary of feeling hungry.

On another note I had a strange little thing happen yesterday. I went out to breakfast (at 2:30 pm) and was dressed down, pretty much. I also had a funky hat on to hide my unwashed hair and I was wearing my beloved dead brother’s very over-sized sweater and black sweat pants and no make-up…I thought I looked pretty shitty.

The strange thing is I was laid out on a couch in the cafe because I didn’t have the energy to sit in a chair—can’t imagine that was terribly attractive either. I don’t know how I could have looked good to anyone. But something happened that I can’t remember happening in years—some fairly decent and somewhat cool looking guy totally checked me out and put lots of effort into making eye contact and acknowledging me!

Wow!

It gave me a good laugh anyway!

Just when I was feeling as about as unattractive as I could be!! I boil it down to “it takes all kinds.”

13 thoughts on “Two little stories

  1. Hmm…Bob’s Red Mill makes an all-purpose gluten-free flour. I can make almost anything with it substituting it for regular flour….maybe you could give it a whirl…you’ve both got me curious now…think i’ll google “gluten free matza balls” and see what happens.

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  2. everything is made of wheat …but there are lots of ways to substitute these days…it wouldn’t hold up in a Jewish kitchen but I bet I could come up with something approximating the matzoh ball experience if I tried.

    and you’ve made me want to look into it!!

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  3. Gianna,

    I called my mom- her Matzoh balls are legendary.

    They are made with wheat. I am so sorry!

    And kreplah is out of the question too, since you are allergic to wheat as well…..

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  4. mmm…the soup sounds good…love matzoh ball soup.

    I discovered I’m allergic to wheat…can you make matzoh with something other than wheat? I suppose it wouldn’t be the real thing, huh?

    I had the best bowl of matzoh ball soup ever in a deli in New York years ago with one of my best friends at the time, who also happens to be Jewish and knew to tell me to try that soup!

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  5. The guy was cute? And he thought you were a hottie? Gianna, isn’t that great for the ego?

    Wow. You should have gotten his number and given him to one of your single friends! (hint, hint).

    Loosing the weight is also great- but if you want to eat, i have this great chicken soup/matzoh ball recipe. I cannot cook to save my life, but this is my speciality.

    Your entry to day gave me hope. And put a huge smile on my face.

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  6. ‘fairly decent and somewhat cool’? nah, that guy was a total cutie! and so are you, whether you see yourself that way or not. i hope your appetite starts coming back and you can use your gift of kitchen artist and feel good about it again.

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  7. thank you Doe for getting it…it feels crappy to be told how great you look when you are really sick…and a lot of people are doing it…and really it just pisses me off because you know, at this point I’m identified as a fat woman and I believe in body acceptance…while I don’t mind losing weight in the end if it’s done the right way and because I’m not on weight inducing drugs anymore I don’t want my value based on how I look. and this society sucks that way.

    I realize that the above story about being checked out sound like it might be because I’ve lost weight, but I assure you I haven’t lost that much, I’m still fat and I looked pretty disheveled….the guy just liked whatever he happened to see which by no means fits the typical standard of beautfy.

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  8. I lost a bunch of weight when I took Topomax. I am a big eater with a robust appetite. I have always enjoyed eating, probably a little too much. Topomax totally took away my appetite and food just tasted weird.

    I would have thought I would have loved that, in a way, since I have felt ashamed of what an appetite I have, and self conscious about always being slightly chubby looking.

    I really hated not getting pleasure from food. It was depressing. I felt the shittiest I ever felt in my life, because the topomax put weird, violent suicidal thoughts in my head that felt very much drug induced. yet people kept telling me how great I looked. women friends were envious of my body. all that felt just wrong.

    That was all years ago, and I’ve been off that drug for awhile now.

    Your appetite will come back, I’m sure. But I totally understand missing it, and even not feeling good about losing weight.

    And that does sound like a pleasant surprised getting checked out like that. A nice feeling, eh? (doesn’t surprise me, though).

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  9. I am very sick and weak…I could use a larger appetite. I’m not getting better yet…

    I still believe I will get better, but not eating is not a sign of good health, but the opposite.

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  10. Hey, I don’t think you should feel badly about losing the weight. And even losing your appetite for now isn’t necessarily the end of the world. I am sure your love of food and cooking will come back. Let’s hope your body is getting into a healthier place. I think it really is a sign of toxins leaving your body. Anyway what do I know? But accept it graciously if you can and look forward to your future. You’re getting there!!

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