Two little stories

I’ve lost twenty pounds now but I don’t feel good about it. I’ve lost my appetite almost completely and that is not a good thing.

My favorite activity in life has been cooking. Strangely enough, mostly through habit, I continue to cook when I am strong enough to stand through the process. The other reason is because if I don’t have very good, tasty food to eat, I can’t get anything down. I miss enjoying food. It’s really quite painful. I do want food and feel hungry from time to time but it makes me sick after a very small meal which makes me wary of feeling hungry.

On another note I had a strange little thing happen yesterday. I went out to breakfast (at 2:30 pm) and was dressed down, pretty much. I also had a funky hat on to hide my unwashed hair and I was wearing my beloved dead brother’s very over-sized sweater and black sweat pants and no make-up…I thought I looked pretty shitty.

The strange thing is I was laid out on a couch in the cafe because I didn’t have the energy to sit in a chair—can’t imagine that was terribly attractive either. I don’t know how I could have looked good to anyone. But something happened that I can’t remember happening in years—some fairly decent and somewhat cool looking guy totally checked me out and put lots of effort into making eye contact and acknowledging me!

Wow!

It gave me a good laugh anyway!

Just when I was feeling as about as unattractive as I could be!! I boil it down to “it takes all kinds.”

About Monica Cassani

Author/Editor Beyond Meds: Everything Matters

13 Responses

  1. Sara

    Hey, I don’t think you should feel badly about losing the weight. And even losing your appetite for now isn’t necessarily the end of the world. I am sure your love of food and cooking will come back. Let’s hope your body is getting into a healthier place. I think it really is a sign of toxins leaving your body. Anyway what do I know? But accept it graciously if you can and look forward to your future. You’re getting there!!

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  2. Doe

    I lost a bunch of weight when I took Topomax. I am a big eater with a robust appetite. I have always enjoyed eating, probably a little too much. Topomax totally took away my appetite and food just tasted weird.

    I would have thought I would have loved that, in a way, since I have felt ashamed of what an appetite I have, and self conscious about always being slightly chubby looking.

    I really hated not getting pleasure from food. It was depressing. I felt the shittiest I ever felt in my life, because the topomax put weird, violent suicidal thoughts in my head that felt very much drug induced. yet people kept telling me how great I looked. women friends were envious of my body. all that felt just wrong.

    That was all years ago, and I’ve been off that drug for awhile now.

    Your appetite will come back, I’m sure. But I totally understand missing it, and even not feeling good about losing weight.

    And that does sound like a pleasant surprised getting checked out like that. A nice feeling, eh? (doesn’t surprise me, though).

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  3. ‘fairly decent and somewhat cool’? nah, that guy was a total cutie! and so are you, whether you see yourself that way or not. i hope your appetite starts coming back and you can use your gift of kitchen artist and feel good about it again.

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  4. The guy was cute? And he thought you were a hottie? Gianna, isn’t that great for the ego?

    Wow. You should have gotten his number and given him to one of your single friends! (hint, hint).

    Loosing the weight is also great- but if you want to eat, i have this great chicken soup/matzoh ball recipe. I cannot cook to save my life, but this is my speciality.

    Your entry to day gave me hope. And put a huge smile on my face.

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  5. Gianna,

    I called my mom- her Matzoh balls are legendary.

    They are made with wheat. I am so sorry!

    And kreplah is out of the question too, since you are allergic to wheat as well…..

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  6. Doe

    Hmm…Bob’s Red Mill makes an all-purpose gluten-free flour. I can make almost anything with it substituting it for regular flour….maybe you could give it a whirl…you’ve both got me curious now…think i’ll google “gluten free matza balls” and see what happens.

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