Hell, for sure, and as lucid as can be

Secondary to the brain injury in December I’ve now had raging hyperthyroid for months. It’s clear that psychosis isn’t something this body/mind does easily anymore since I do not sleep anymore than 2 hours a night and often less. The level of taxation on the body is through the roof. I’m in hell, for sure, and as lucid as can be. Sleeplessness is used as torture for good reason.

I’m not happy. I’m in darkness like never before, but it’s a lucid darkness that still sees and knows the light…I am whole even while my body is very sick. And I’m sick of being stuck in the pit of darkness because I love life (and can see it clearly) but cannot experience it with any sort of equanimity while the high thyroid is coursing through my body. My husband found a youtube video with a woman talking about being hyperthyroid and she said she felt like she was either going to commit suicide or end up in the psych ward. I could feel her, for sure, even while I feel frustratingly clear headed. It might be easier to lose my mind, frankly. Psychosis, is after all, a form of dissociation from trauma. It’s there to protect in a somewhat misguided way. I know because once upon a time my body/mind did utilize such defenses.

These sorts of conditions (being sick in general, and now this hyperthyroid) are wonderful fodder for mindfulness but in the depths of this ugliness it’s unclear whether or not I will survive. This isn’t hyperbole given the injuries my body and brain have sustained. It’s not a big deal either, we all die. But living like this sucks too.

I’m doing lots and lots of self-care…my injuries are such that I don’t respond normally to almost anything from any medical tradition.  It’s kind of horribly ironic that pharmaceutical injuries have destroyed my body so that  I can’t use Western Medicine  at all…It’s like my body is giving the finger to the system. I certainly have no choice in the matter. I’m not ever risking what happened in December again…so I’m using western and Chinese herbs right now along with lots of other lifestyle supports…all of which I’ve been  learning about for over a decade since I stopped using Pharma. I do know how to take care of myself. My body, however, is injured in ways that challenge our current knowledge. Neurotoxic drug iatrogenesis of this sort is a new animal among humanity. No generation before mine have used these heinous drugs. I document that younger generations may not have to be injured like this. Let us stop the carnage.

Just felt like giving an update. It’s real here. I won’t present a false front. I can’t. Remember life is the full shebang.

“How did this happen? You’re the most resourced person I know. “

(video) New pharmaceutical brain injury and anniversary

Coming home

Learning to live again…

Embracing darkness and shadow that we might also be light and joy

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About Monica Cassani

Author/Editor Beyond Meds: Everything Matters