Holding, holding, holding…feel the holding, wrapped up with anger, resistance, fear….FEEL it, feel it, feel it… and let it be…all things pass…recognizing and allowing seems to help it move…
When post traumatic stress is leaving the body it brings up all manner of feelings that have been locked in. If I’m not carefully mindful it’s easy to project that stuff out. That’s really what all projection is always…a sort of haunting by the body bringing up the past…
If we can see what it is we can move in healing. Body movement meditations work well at these times…yoga, qi gong, even walking mindfully or doing any sort of exercise while paying attention to what is happening with that energy as we move…
Contemplating the nature of death (and thus life too) has been a source of relative peace for me as I face this body with high levels of thyroid hormone raging through it. Contemplating death is not morbid- it’s honest. This body is transient even while life continues. We’re still conditioned to not be okay with the most natural and universal event amongst human beings (after being born anyway…they go hand in hand)
When you are stripped away again and again and again…in complete sleeplessness…there is only surrender…the alternative really is complete insanity.
Dream: I am driving down a steep and wet mountain road. I slip off at a curve off a cliff into free-fall thousands of feet above ground. As I catapult downward, while still at the wheel of my car, I wonder if there is any way I might survive.
Groundlessness might be described as the intimacy of facing death in every moment.
Staying aware of this groundlessness, the tender, sweet spot where one can know and not know simultaneously, is a nice form of meditation.
Contemplation and meditation on death and impermanence are regarded as very important in Buddhism…I’ve found it helpful as well and it seems to visit me now as it did in this dream.
Took a rest this morning– closed my eyes for a couple hours. When I opened them I couldn’t remember where my brother was because I thought he lived here. I actually haven’t seen him in 10 years. My brains are scrambled. Exhaustion & iatrogenic drug injury will do that.
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