My Trip

I leave this early evening for California. I’m okay. My dark mood has lifted. I don’t think I have to worry about a constant ugly depression just yet. I awoke at 2:30 am as I’m worried about my trip. I will be up 24 hours before I am able to go to bed in CA. That concerns me and I know I will suffer, but I’ve done it before when traveling to Europe where my husband’s family lives. I haven’t done it since starting my withdrawal though, so I know it will be rougher. I’m not sure “normal” people can understand what I feel like when I’m sleep deprived, but maybe that is just self-absorption.

My feelings have lightened up about my brother. I no longer feel angry with him. Instead I feel a deep love and compassion. Perhaps that is why my load feels lighter, the darkness lifting a bit. I was upset that he was thinking of leaving his family. But I see now that he is in a dark emotional pain and his family is chaotic. No one is dealing well with the pressures of terminal illness. The children haven’t been told and I think this adds to the pain. They must know on some level. I wish they would be open with the kids.

My brother, though in physical pain too–he takes Oxycontin around the clock–is still working. He is amazing that way. He finds the work rewarding and it keeps him distracted from his emotional and physical pain. He won’t be able to work much longer. I hope he can find a way to have some quality of life after he no longer works. He loves his job. I hope he accepts his fate and can open up and accept love and comfort before he goes. He has given me so much of that over the years. I hope I can give it back.

I am for now at peace. I feel calm and ready to take care of my dad. I know that Friday will be a washout day with my being only able to lay down in pain–that is what sleep deprivation does to me–it leaves me in a strange kind of pain,– but by Saturday and Sunday I should be able to be of help. And then I move him and settle him in his new place. I managed to be with him for 10 days after he had his heart attack and I was in withdrawals then. It was difficult, even hellish, but I recovered quickly upon returning home and was truly glad to spend the time with him–he appreciated me enormously. I suspect it will be the same now.

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