I had a rude experience of accidental “cold turkey” withdrawal in the last 36 hours. I went to bed last night with a clear recollection of having taken my meds. My evening rituals are all messed up because I’m at my sister’s house and I’m staying in a “guest house” outside, considerably away from the house. I’ve had to get my supplements and meds ahead of time and put them in baggies to carry into the main house.
Last night I managed to not take my meds. I did not discover this until 6 am when I happened to put my hand in my pocket and found the pouch with my meds. I’d made it through one hell of a night and I didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with me.
The anxiety was phenomenal–I was experiencing sheer terror, and my head, neck and back were in pain–I felt like I was dying at times. I may have slept two hours. While it was hell, when I figured out what had happened I couldn’t help thinking what if I just got this all over with. Felt really shitty for a time. I know I won’t do that as I have had fear of “relapse” (severe withdrawal symptoms leading back to meds) pounded into my brain. But shit would I like to get it over with.
This slow drawn-out low-grade hell is terrible and there is not an end in sight for probably two years. I’m tempted to just get it over with. I hear plenty of stories of people who have done the cold turkey thing–but one thing they all say is if they had known better or had the resources they would have done it different. But then they haven’t done it my way either. How do we compare each other’s hell? Whose is better or should I say whose is less hellish?