Warning: Lament ahead

I’ve been hanging low and trying not to think too much about my brother lately. It just brings grief to think. He is stable for the time being, and as he has for the length of his four and a half year illness he continues to fight and beat the odds. The odds are getting steeper and steeper but here he is hanging in about a month and a half after my sister said he had two weeks. And it looks like it’s possible that this could go on another month, two, three? It so unclear.

Towards the end of this month his family will be joining him. My sister’s house will be full and my sister-in-law will be ever-present if I want to spend time with my brother. She and he are alienated from each other now–a result of the stress to their marriage due to the illness. She will be there because the kids will be there. I love her, but she can be overbearing and I fear that for the couple of months they may be there I will have no time to spend with him.

So yesterday, after talking to the social worker who was my supervisor at hospice while I was a volunteer, I made the decision that I needed to go and be there before the rest of the family swoops down. I figured a week in my sister’s big house interacting only when he was up to it would be again a good thing. That is what worked so well a few weeks ago when I was there. I had my own guest house, could retreat there whenever I felt the need and only spent time with my brother when he sought me out. It was all very unstructured and allowed for him to feel no pressure in spending time with me.

I spoke with my brother and he seemed pleased that I would be coming. I called my sister and left a message that I would be coming but I wanted to make sure it was okay to be at her house. I imagined this was only a formality.

Well, it wasn’t. She called me and told me she was burnt out and not looking forward to his wife and kids coming. The kids are a handful and the girl is a bad influence on my sister’s daughter. Our sister-in-law is difficult right now. My sister said she needed a break from guests before they came. I was crushed. I don’t know if my brother will survive their visit and I may never spend time with him again.

My other brother and dad live there too, but I don’t feel comfortable staying with either of them. I need a lot of private time and get it at my sister’s as she has a detached guest house that I stay in. She also has wireless and I can do all my internet activity in peace there. I don’t have particularly good relationships with my father or my brother and simply don’t feel like I can stay with them, seemingly underfoot.

My husband suggested I stay at a hotel. This option sounds better. Most hotels have wireless and I could stay at the hotel and have all the private time I need. The problem with this potential option is that this demands structured time with my sick brother. Something I’m not sure he is up to. The last thing I want to do is make him feel like he has to spend time with me if he is not up to it.

I’ve sent him an email. I await his response. I’ve asked him what he wants. I hope he feels free to answer honestly and not be concerned about me. In the meantime I’ll look into hotels.