Trouble

I’m going to California to meet with an orthomolecular doctor. I don’t think it’s the final answer, but I do hope it will get me off these drugs faster. I’ve spoken to him while my husband was on the phone—my husband has a good bullshit radar. I haven’t had such great bullshit radar in picking all the providers I’ve tried help me with withdrawal and my hormonal issues—especially considering none of them knew what they were doing. This man has a book, The Brain Chemistry Diet and has worked using nutritional therapy in psychiatry for decades. He is a colleague of Linus Pauling.
While I don’t think nutrition is the only answer to good mental health and I know I have psychological work to do, I need to do something serious about getting off the drugs so that I can do the psychological/meditation work. He too believes this. He says there are always psychological issues and what I might call spiritual issues as well.
“You have to become your own expert when it comes to you and your health,” says Lesser, M.D., a nutritionally oriented physician in Berkeley, Calif. “Never surrender responsibility for your health to another person. You are with yourself 100 percent of the time.”

SOME PHYSICIANS SUPPORT PATIENTS who are interested in taking supplements; others discourage them, saying that taking supplements will just offer expensive urine. What do you do if your doctor is a nutritional novice? We asked three nutritionally savvy doctors. * “You do the same thing you would if your doctor was a nutritional genius. You don’t assume that he will solve your problem for you,” says Lesser, M.D., a physician in Berkeley, Calif.

“Your doctor, at best, will be able to tell you what’s wrong with you. He can prescribe a treatment for you, but he can only lead a horse to water. He can’t make you drink. You have to do the treatment. It behooves you to never surrender responsibility to anybody else for curing you. You have to assume that you will cure yourself if you’re going to get cured. You have to maintain responsibility for your health and to seek out answers wherever you can.”

My quest for freedom off these poisons continues. I leave next week.
I will be staying with friends and family. He is conveniently located where I am from. He was there 23 years ago when I was first diagnosed. If only I had known. And in line with maintaining responsibility for my health I won’t stop there and I won’t count on him being the answer. Also in line with being responsible, I need to do what I can to get back to functioning so I can be a productive member of society. I choose to heal. I choose to move forward and confront my “trouble.”
I fear I may look like I’m grasping at straws to some, but instead I see this as dogged determination. I’m sure many people would have given up by now my journey is no joke. In the end it may be that I am the one who did all the work. That all this searching out others to help me will have been for not, but then again that makes no sense because I wouldn’t be doing this without all of you, my readers and all the people in my withdrawal groups who give me hope everyday as I see more and more people recover—as people come to me again and again and tell me their recovery stories. We are legion. I get help everyday from people and now I seek more help.
And yes we are all alone too. And must find the final answer within. I am moving in that direction. With great faith and hope.
Sorry, wordpress is acting up and the formatting on this post is funky. I don’t know how to change it. It wouldn’t let me do paragraph breaks in most cases.

12 thoughts on “Trouble

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  1. I’m sure that your encounter with Lesser will lead you in a new and rewarding direction. Be sure to do a lot of listening. I’ve found that the simple things elude me, and I’ve noticed that for me sometimes the simple wisdom is what finally worked, once I started to practice it. You are doing fine. Enjoy your journey! -Lyle

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  2. Brooke,
    I wrote to your email address last time you left a message here and did not hear back. Maybe it’s an address you don’t check? I’d like to discuss some of your questions. (I can’t give you answers) Also though you say you find it boring, I would love to hear your story.

    I don’t have a ton of energy now and you have a lot on your mind but perhaps we can have a bit of a conversation. Sometimes the only long pieces of writing that come out of me are reserved for this blog, but I really would like to converse a bit.

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  3. Gianna,
    I commend you.
    Every time I try to write a response… I just don’t know where to start.
    I am in the same place as you. or, well, was. Now my determination is a bit punch drunk. I feel like I am caught between worlds. The world of wanting to be clear and conquer.. and the world of fear and indulgence.

    I decided the other day, or rather I accepted the fact that I will not go off my meds without being in a hospital. I won’t go into the details. But this has been an experiment a determined- at all cost- experiment, that has spanned almost 13 years now. I’ve given it an honest go. I know now -This is my truth. Maybe I can go into more detail about the depths, but I am bored with these “depths”. At least I am relieved to know this now. At least this question is resolved and I will not need to torture and antagonize my life and the people in my life (through collateral damage) with my personal brain experiments. I will need to cut out a section of time and go be with the beast once and for all face to face… with no detractions. Not live this nightmare in secret while I try to maintain a fake smile at work.
    I am glad to know that there are finally such medical places starting to exist that deal with psych med withdrawal. This shows hope that there are more medical professionals and others that are actually starting to see the ramifications of being on and coming off these drugs. Maybe a new consciousness is arising.
    So, ok, I have realized now how I will need to go about this. There is help perhaps out there. But when? I just went through rehab. I am already in outpatient. Is this what my life has become? – talking about my issues all day?
    Instututionalized? There is only so much of this I can take. Some days it is helpful. And until I find what it is that I truly want to do to get what I truly want, I will give it an honest try.
    I am confused. Do I finish my outpatient program and stay on my raised meds and perhaps more meds? just for now? (how many times have I said that?) Go to school. figure out a new job. get my life “together” and more stable and then check myself in?(to the place you mentioned before in Northern California- Wait… is that the one you are going to now??)
    Do I wait until I have a relationship and stability before I do this?
    (Gianna – you seem like you have some of these things and support in place.)
    If I go off the meds – what will happen?
    (this series of questions sn’t really addressed to anyone or anythng in particular.)
    What if my mind on meds IS actually better?
    What if I am a drug addict?
    I don’t know what to do.
    Does this ever end?
    I am starting to really wonder if it even matters either way- on meds or off. Maybe its just all the same sh*t just through a different lens.
    I know this is dark. I am sorry.
    I just….
    when do I do this?
    Do I do this at all?
    How do I know?
    I am so sick of being sick.
    I am starting to wonder if darkness is the only safe place to rest.
    I like the light me.
    Light me on meds feels like a fraud.
    And then, if I do this, do I need to be completely sober? Can I drink at a party?
    Am I just being puritanical? Is this masochism and and undo call for stark sobriety when life is actually hard and maybe needs rest sometimes? Most people would just take the meds and shut up. When did taking psych meds become so normal?

    I started this journey 4 months ago like gangbusters. It has been so crazy its like it was a whole other life there for a second. It was grueling and there was no rest. It was really really hard. But there were these moments of clarity. Not epiphanies (get those all the time no matter how I am doing). No, clarity. I was really THERE. I was connecting with people on a real level. not in a haze. drugs or otherwise. I was so hopeful… even with the panic attacks. I felt like maybe I really could do anything. I had a respect for life. I actually was starting to believe that maybe I really didn’t need to hide from ANYTHING. I was brave.

    Then I crashed. I crashed hard.
    The things in my life followed suit.
    But I can’t forget those feelings I had. before.
    What if there is a chance that life could be that good? Not good like happily ever after, but good like, just ok with how things already are?

    Maybe the drugs aren’t even that important. Maybe its more me.
    I am not sure how to fix that yet. Its probably more complicated than taking a diet off meds. Like… a lot more.
    Maybe the problem is that there is no problem.

    If this is a spiritual problem… then god- whatever/whoever you are.. please point me in the right direction.
    I need to be freed from this ego trip. I desperately want the energy so I can be generous truly generous. Generous and strong.

    and more than anything: fun.

    Thanks for listening.

    Brooke

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  4. I will try to keep my blog in operation….and I don’t leave for a week yet.

    Things are working out beautifully so far, though. My friends are coming out of the woodwork to put me up and a couple of people have assured me I can be a basket case and they won’t freak—and I believe them.

    I feel blessed.

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  5. I should add—the reason I’m taking off so suddenly is because, though I was planning on doing this is February. I wanted a bit of a break—the doctor is going on Sabbatical and won’t be available after the middle of Feb. So, yes, this is very sudden and certainly has me a bit freaked out. I’ve got plenty of places to stay so that I have an option for any given situation—like I feel great—I’ll stay with friend and visit more friends—or I feel awful I want not a single obligation and I don’t want to have to acknowledge anyone in the house. I have a whole spectrum of places I can stay. So that feels good.

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