I’m not writing much because I’m in a holding pattern. My whole life feels like it’s on hold. I’ve stopped tapering, I’ve moved out of my home to be on my own temporarily and am living a bare bones existence which if I didn’t have so much on my plate would be very depressing, but I hardly notice it in the state that I’m in. I associate with no one because I’m hurting bad. I am not good company, so even though I moved to town I remain isolated. I cry everyday. I am confused. I’m doing better than I was. Much better actually. I know that much of what I’m going through is not just the withdrawals. It’s all triggered by the withdrawals but it’s not essentially the withdrawals.
Despite what people might think I think, I don’t believe it’s only about the right nutrients and food. That is an important part of the picture and for some happy people it’s the whole picture. I wish I was one of those happy people. For me though it’s a psychological and spiritual situation too. So I’m trying to figure out how to fix my broken soul.
Step one: No more tapering until I’m stop crying everyday.
Step two: Yoga, walking and meditation every day.
To illustrate the importance of moving:
He’s a little scary, but I believe him.
Step three: Work on my relationship with my husband. (this could also be step one as it’s integral to everything) The nuances of a relationship are too much to discuss here, but there is some old dysfunction that is no longer working in my over-sensitized state. The sensitization brought up the consciousness of the issues. This is in the big picture a good thing. Painful but good. We are working through shit that must be worked through and probably more honestly than a lot of people who never deal with dysfunction in their relationships pretending its not there.
Finally I have to figure out my relationship to the spiritual. To god, the universe, the divine, the Tao, the oneness that is all. Whatever you want to call it or don’t want to call it. It’s calling me back to it. I lost my spirituality when I got dosed up on drugs. It disappeared. Now it’s coming back. Can’t really explain it. It’s subtle, but something is talking to me, guiding me. It’s all very familiar but I’m rusty. I can’t hear it clearly. Both meditation and my therapist play a role here. Jungian therapy is very much about the spiritual.
I’m moving slowly. It often feels like nothing is happening, that I am stuck in hell. But not always. That guiding feeling comes over me and then it seems there is purpose. Enough to keep me going. Barely.
Life is still good. Though most of the time I don’t feel it. But a lot of things in life are not dependent on feeling them.