I’m not writing much because I’m in a holding pattern. My whole life feels like it’s on hold. I’ve stopped tapering, I’ve moved out of my home to be on my own temporarily and am living a bare bones existence which if I didn’t have so much on my plate would be very depressing, but I hardly notice it in the state that I’m in. I associate with no one because I’m hurting bad. I am not good company, so even though I moved to town I remain isolated. I cry everyday. I am confused. I’m doing better than I was. Much better actually. I know that much of what I’m going through is not just the withdrawals. It’s all triggered by the withdrawals but it’s not essentially the withdrawals.

Despite what people might think I think, I don’t believe it’s only about the right nutrients and food. That is an important part of the picture and for some happy people it’s the whole picture. I wish I was one of those happy people. For me though it’s a psychological and spiritual situation too. So I’m trying to figure out how to fix my broken soul.

Step one: No more tapering until I’m stop crying everyday.

Step two: Yoga, walking and meditation every day.

To illustrate the importance of moving:

He’s a little scary, but I believe him.

Step three: Work on my relationship with my husband. (this could also be step one as it’s integral to everything) The nuances of a relationship are too much to discuss here, but there is some old dysfunction that is no longer working in my over-sensitized state. The sensitization brought up the consciousness of the issues. This is in the big picture a good thing. Painful but good. We are working through shit that must be worked through and probably more honestly than a lot of people who never deal with dysfunction in their relationships pretending its not there.

Finally I have to figure out my relationship to the spiritual. To god, the universe, the divine, the Tao, the oneness that is all. Whatever you want to call it or don’t want to call it. It’s calling me back to it. I lost my spirituality when I got dosed up on drugs. It disappeared. Now it’s coming back. Can’t really explain it. It’s subtle, but something is talking to me, guiding me. It’s all very familiar but I’m rusty. I can’t hear it clearly. Both meditation and my therapist play a role here. Jungian therapy is very much about the spiritual.

I’m moving slowly. It often feels like nothing is happening, that I am stuck in hell. But not always. That guiding feeling comes over me and then it seems there is purpose. Enough to keep me going. Barely.

Life is still good. Though most of the time I don’t feel it. But a lot of things in life are not dependent on feeling them.

14 thoughts on “Waiting

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  1. this is an amazingly lucid post about being simultaneously in a huge amount of pain AND being hopeful about it all. i am awed that you can keep such clear perspective. you are a lot stronger than you think you are. or maybe you know you’re strong? you are very strong, gianna!


  2. thanks Stephany,
    My husband certainly hasn’t left me, but I think as undiagnosed said we have to stop looking at me as sick and start looking at the dynamic that is our relationship.

  3. Gianna, I found that finding my own sense of self, however we describe it –spirtual souls, or just facing reality for me–is all connected to seeing relationships with a new clarity that isn’t so mysterious. When we are honest with ourselves, it’s natural to become honest in a relationship, because…we have grown to a different level of expectation and regard for ourself, and see essentially what a culprit could have been: a bad relationship, or a relationship that may have never been a real one in the beginning. Once I peeled away the layers of my life, I learned a lot about this side of it. What you are experiencing is a good thing. Because relationships are, in my opinion something we work on, but shouldn’t be hard to do. Does that make sense? The relationship shouldn’t be a struggle, it isn’t a hard thing to do, to love and have happiness in a relationship, is my opinion anyway, so when it’s a chronic battle, there could be more to it, and for me it really was eye opening when I started those discussions 2 years ago, now I’m just going to throw this out there for thought about how I’ve dissected my life–I was told by ex spouse that I should have been an affair, wow when I was 21 I was quite foolish.

    At 48 I’m wiser for it. I’m not saying my story is how all relationships go–hopefully for most people, it’s a better relationship that will happen as a result of looking at it. I am glad i finally woke up though, because I’ve seen how I really was left in a marriage basically from the beginning. sigh. But life goes on.

  4. So much of withdrawal is physical but there is so much that isn’t.
    Hang in there and keep talking with your husband. I don’t know if this is at all similar to what you are going through, but my partner and I both had to adjust when we figured out we couldn’t just blame any problems on me being “sick.” It was a big, sometimes uncomfortable, but ultimately positive, shift for both of us.

  5. I said scary because I’ve been living the most sedentary existence of my life. I’m an athlete by nature, but the fatigue is so grotesque that I’m almost an invalid. I’m making myself get out and walk though and I have indeed started doing yoga twice a week in private with a teacher. I intend to start doing the yoga daily at home over the course of the three months that I work with the teacher.

    I got an awesome situation set up—the teacher offered her services for free and she really wants to do it! It’s not for charity—she feels she can learn something from me and what I am doing. I’m a deeply grateful.

  6. Scary??? Mebbe, but he is dead-on correct! I can feel a definite elevation in my mood on the days I do aerobic exercise vs those I do not…
    Yoga does me a lot of good & I don’t do it NEARLY often enough!

  7. Sue,
    you’ve articulated exactly what I am trying to do and my hopes for the future.

    thank you. it helps validate what I’m going through.

    it’s good to know I’m not the only one who lost all touch with the divine and that you have found it again.

    thanks all for sharing.

  8. I would say that you must embrace your suffering and really listen to it. Your pain is telling you who you really are. Because of the tapering of the meds you are probably feeling your raw emotions with great intensity. Those see-saw feelings will abate in time. Hang in there. Your clarity will come.

  9. I like what you wrote. You are under stress, but you are making some good observations that make sense. I have often made the most progress when I was under stress, yet still carved out a bit of time to reflect on my life.

    From my experince with heavy doses of medication, I can testify that the drugs take away one’s capacity for anything spiritual. I was not able to feel any connection with a Higher Power until I was off my meds. I think the meds really work a lot on the higher brain centers.

    Finding our purpose is a big part of spiritually. Part of your purpose is to keep this blog going. You are doing a good service. You may not realize it, and probably will not until you look back at these years from some point in the future. Sometimes we just have to push ourselves to try one more time, for just one more day, even though nothing feels right.

    Good Luck,
    Jim S

  10. Sounds like you are fully present in what you are going through…really feeling it, really in it…some say the only way to heal it is to feel it…and that’s what you’re doing.

  11. Take care of yourself Gianna. I listened to the YouTube……I don’t exercise as much as I used to. I try to swim once a week. He says once a week isn’t good enought….but that is four times a month more than not swimming….I also walk my dog….Goal is morning, afternoon, evening, but lately it has only been once a day.

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