In memory of my brother

As many of you know my dearest brother died on September 3rd of last year. Tomorrow would have been his 49th birthday. I’ve been anticipating the pain for awhile, and unfortunately what makes it hurt even worse is that today is my wedding anniversary. I have the two dates linked in my mind and have since the day I was married. I hate that the two dates are associated now.

Dear Robert, I love you. I miss you. You always believed in me when everyone else thought I was a lost cause. You instead saw courage in me and stubborn optimism. No one had ever thought to call me anything but pessimistic. You saw my refusal to give up and called it optimism. You gave me hope with your ability to see past the superficial.

So you see, you planted seeds in me. Seeds that have served me my whole life and will continue to serve me. You saw in me what no one else did and you helped me see it too.

I need my brother now. And he is still with me even though I am not religious he is alive in me. I don’t know if he is alive anywhere else but, Robert, if you’re out there I love you more than ever and I will love you always.

15 thoughts on “In memory of my brother

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  1. Gianna –
    I wanted to tell you how moved I was by your message. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I also lost my brother recently, whose name was Robert as well. At times the pain seems almost too much to endure.
    He was only 42 years old and not only my brother but my best friend.

    You hit it right on the head when you said they live on with us AND IN US. I believe that theory and hold his memory close to me each day.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts as it helped me to continue along this process of mourning. Helping others is what also keeps our loved ones alive.
    Thank you,

  2. gianna,

    this has to be painful…but on the light and plain side…you had a relationship that was wonderful enough to miss…that is a gift. my one friend told me something that seems to ease people’s commings and goings through life. he said: “sometimes people are in our lives for a reason, a season, or life.” the last, is rarely the case. i don’t know why i like this saying or why it’s helped but…

    spring is here…robert planted seeds in your life…it’s cliche, but get a plant or plant some seeds for your brother. sometimes little actions/rituals give us something “to do” and they just help.

    but feel your feelings, honor them and your brother. you’ll be in my thoughts today…

    sending out a “thoughtful hug”,

  3. Gianna, I’m at the 3 month mark of my Dad’s unexpected death, and I understand the crying, and I believe the grieving lasts a long time, it will come and go. I also wanted to write that I think your brother was a wonderful person to encourage you and basically give us all a gift by doing so, and that gift is YOU.

  4. Gianna,
    Your post made me cry! I’m so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like a wonderful person. I’m not religious either but I do believe in an afterlife, and I’m sure Robert is still watching over you, and feeling proud about how brave you are in your quest for wellness.


  5. I suppose it’s ironic. I found myself grieving over my father’s death today. I understand that hurt and pain. Especially since it’s so fresh for you. But I’m glad you are able to reflect on the good memories that you both shared and the good qualities he found – and instilled – in you.

    Blessings and hugs,

  6. thank you everyone…today has been a hard day with lots of crying. I don’t think I’ve properly mourned him yet. I suppose it never ends really, like Val said in the quote she gave…I can look forward to being less sad…but it won’t ever go away.

  7. Since Robert helped make you the person you are today, he must have been a lovely fellow. He lives today, in you, Gianna, in your soul, in your memories.

  8. I came across this poignant phrase in my semi-undirected web surfing:
    “I cannot tell this friend that the world ever seems the same, afterwards. It doesn’t. If you are fortunate, however, it starts to feel less sad. It takes a long time.”
    Warren Kinsalla
    [I think his blog was]
    He was writing in reference to his own father’s death.
    “Less sad” must be a worthy goal. Hang in there.

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