I am not inspired to write today but get uncomfortable about not updating my blog, so I will give a brief update on my brother drama.
First, I began to feel much, much better two days into my period. My PMS is lasting about 16 days. It starts at ovulation and goes until the second day after my menses begins. Once I’m relieved of it I’m like a different person. I’ve mitigated my symptoms by taking a PMS formula. I took it for several months a while back, still had symptoms, so I stopped. The following two months were sheer hell. I took it again this month and though I still had bad symptoms they were much more tolerable and I have my husband to back up my improvement since I didn’t start nearly as many fights and was basically not terribly unpleasant in general–I just still felt like shit internally. I’m slowly finding, by trial and error the right supplements for me. I am, however, going to get my hormones tested once I see my new psychiatrist. Even with the improvement with the PMS formula, I’m far from symptom free. But their are indeed gradations in hell. And I prefer the version of hell on the formula.
In any case much of my suffering in the last couple of weeks, prompted by my brother’s condition was made much worse by my PMS. It is not a terribly huge relief to feel better now, since I only have about 12 days in which I will be symptom free. Two of those days are already gone.
I see the new psychiatrist on Friday. I hope for a battery of tests–there are many underlying physical problems which can make withdrawals harder and which can cause one to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the first place. To name a few: pyroluria, hypoglycemia, various thyroid conditions, (that are often not caught by standard thyroid tests,) mercury or other heavy metal toxicity (which is much more common than people realize,) hormone imbalances, gut problems, and a host of nutritional deficiencies. There are clinics that devote all their work to these issues. My doctor is associated with these clinics and doctors that practice this kind of psychiatry. She is a four hour drive from me. But I’m grateful I found her and she takes medicare! My doctor here doesn’t even take medicare. So it will be much cheaper to see her even with the drive. Since I have supplemental insurance along with the medicare, I don’t even have a copay. Yay!
She’s also an expert in withdrawing from drugs. I’ve had to teach my current psychiatrist everything about how to do it safely. Anyway we’ll hope for the best. I’m always skeptical when first meeting any doctor. Rapport is so important. Even a very knowledgeable doctor can be a pain in the ass to work with. I need a team mate, not someone who is going to tell me what to do without my questioning anything. I’ve learned way too much to simply be told what to do. I got a good vibe from her on the phone though, so I’m optimistic.
Anyway–I was going to talk about my brother, but the post morphed into something else. I’ll keep the update on my brother brief. He is very ill and will be moving to California to live with my sister until he dies. I will be going to stay there in June. I plan to stay one to three weeks initially, playing it by ear. Seeing if it seems he wants me there or not. I can stay at my dads, go to the internet cafe and see my friends. (I lived there most of my life.) In other words I will have a life and simply visit my brother when he feels up to it. If he wants me around a lot I’ll stay the three weeks and hopefully have some special bonding time with him. If he remains withdrawn and disinterested in me as he has been lately, I will only stay one week as it will be too painful to be part of that. Then I plan to return at the end, whenever that might be. So lots of upheaval and travel in my future.
It’s nice to have these days of reprieve before my PMS kicks in again. I can calmly contemplate the nature of my life at this time and not get desperately depressed over all the shit that’s on my plate. It’s clear now that that only happens during the PMS. I have other symptoms all the time from the withdrawals, but they are more tolerable. Exhaustion being the worst of them. I’ve not been working out lately. I was a mad hiking machine up until about 9 or 10 months ago when I started my aggressive withdrawals. Now I’ve gained most of what I had lost in the couple of years before that. It’s exhaustion on the chronic fatigue syndrome level. I don’t know what to do about it. Hopefully this doctor will have some suggestions.