Yesterday I said I would post something light and silly today….Ha! Not an option. The last two nights I’ve woken up in the middle of the night crying–up for at least two hours. This morning I stayed in bed late and wished I didn’t need to get up, but I had family obligations and errands to run in preparation for the memorial service Friday.
My brain is more fried than I thought possible. I thought I had cognitive impairment from the drugs, but now it’s brain misfunction with a vengeance. I really can’t think or make decisions. I started crying today as my sister dragged me into a hairdressers telling me to get my haircut. I had told her I wanted a cut a couple of days ago (my hair was a mess) but when I got to the counter and the woman asked me when I wanted an appointed I just started crying because I couldn’t make the decision. My sister scheduled me and I ended up with a cut, but it would never have happened without her management.
Repeatedly small decisions come up and I can’t make them. I forget what I’m saying in mid-sentence. I repeat myself over and over again. (my husband has made me aware of this–it’s because I can’t remember anything) It’s freakish. I don’t know if it’s normal or if I’m fucked up. I feel like I’m crazier than everyone else in my family–but maybe that’s a misperception. My whole body hurts. I snap at people over stupid shit. I feel like I’m barely holding it together.
To make matters worse I am premenstrual. Can’t tease out what’s what. I guess it doesn’t matter. Oh, shit, I just hope it passes.
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I know of no greater pain than watching my own brother pass away. In time. you will find ways to celebrate his life and this will parallel your own healing. I sit loudly on the coat tails of everyone else here when I say, ‘give yourself a break’….look at what has just happened in your life! Don’t be afraid to let your feelings flow and leave all judgement of them at the curb. There is no right or wrong or sick or well here. Your are fine and good just the way your are. My heart goes out to you, Gianna. Lots of love and hugs….
It passes. It passes.
You’re okay. In the larger sense. There’s nothing “wrong with” you. It’s grief, and it hurts, and you aren’t drugged up anymore, so nothing is blunting it.
Just take careful care of yourself, do what you have to do, and know it will pass.
yes, you are normail. anything that happens even a psychotic break after the death of a loved-one is considered normal…even by the shrinks.
ditto
So sorry to hear your news. Take care Gianna.
I also agree with the others what you are experiencing is normal. Time heals all wounds they say, meaning as with the passing of days you will inevitably recover.
Everyone is right. It’s completely normal to feel like your brain is fried after losing someone you love. You are in shock (even though you’ve known it was coming). Try to be easy on yourself. So sorry about all the pain. Take care and hugs and prayers from me.
gianna, it passes. the memory artist and hymes said it well: it’s tremendous grief. it’s having learned that your brother was dying and losing him all in a few days. it’s life hitting you hard in the teeth. you’re fucked up and normal at the same time. it is normal to be fucked up when life is so damn hard. doesn’t matter if you are all confused, can’t make decisions, you forget what you’re thinking. it doesn’t matter one bit. you have loving people there with you. let them take care of you. you are doing well. tight hugs. i’m saying a prayer for you.
Alison is right. It is normal, not freakish at all- but scary feeling I’m sure. This is not an illness. Your brother just died. You’re premenstrual. You’re actually doing really well under the circumstances. Give yourself a break and don’t try to compare yourself and how you’re handling this to anyone else. The experience of grief is very personal. This will pass.
(((((hugs)))))
It’s normal, whatever normal is. You are grieving, all bets are off for expectations of “normal” behavior. It will pass in time, but give yourself a break, you lost your brother. And it sure isn’t a contest over who is the craziest from grief, everyone who is grieving is a little bit crazy, it’s part of the package. I’m so sorry.