Today is the memorial service. My brother will be there in a small walnut box–ashes.
I had a really ugly 36 hour stint of living hell. The grief left me inconsolable and the PMS left me pushing away everyone that loves me with a rage that made me hate virtually everyone. Talk about miserable and lonely.
Yesterday I came back to my other brother’s home and crashed for two hours mid-afternoon. Something I never do. I woke up a bit different. I returned to the living. I let those close to me who didn’t know what the hell was going on with me into my confidence and tried to explain that the PMS was making me have an intense aversion to everyone. I apologized. I had a nice dinner with my husband, very close cousin, my younger brother and his wife. I actually enjoyed myself.
Last night I still had very restless sleep waking up moaning several times, though I didn’t remember what I was dreaming. I got out of bed at 4:30 a.m. But what I thought would be impossible yesterday–dealing with people at the reception after the service–seems possible today. Maybe it will even be comforting.
Throughout this horrible 36 hours the only people I could feel love and openness for were the children. They speak to life continuing in all it’s glory and they gave me little rays of light in the darkness. One of my six year old nieces came to me and hugged me when she saw me sad on the couch. She said, “I will always have a little piece of sad in me.” She asked me about why people get sick and why he couldn’t be saved. Trying to make sense of it to a six year old who seemed to appreciate what I said soothed me too. We hugged each other tight, then she played me a piece on the piano. We laughed at it’s silliness. Precious.
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Gianna, I’m at a loss for words, because they are hard to find reading about the loss of your brother and your grief. I am thinking of you, take care of yourself.
“Throughout this horrible 36 hours the only people I could feel love and openness for were the children. They speak to life continuing in all it’s glory and they gave me little rays of light in the darkness.”
I have always found that too, especially at times of grief. Surround yourself with that if it helps. It is healing in many ways. I am glad you’re feeling more stable. Keep patience with yourself. The emotions will tend to fluctuate, and that’s normal.
(((hugs)))