Not so good

This is the longest I’ve gone without posting and this is just a brief update. Life sucks. I’m in pain. Withdrawal pain and personal pain. I’m not spending a whole lot of time online because it hurts too much. This should pass as the withdrawals pass. I will become less sensitive to other hurts and the ups and downs of life which right now I can barely tolerate. I’ve gone from sleeping no more than 2 hours to sleeping 12 and not waking the rest of the day, back to just a couple last night. I’m exhausted in every imaginable way.

My husband is leaving for ten days. He is going out of the country on business. I don’t know if I can take care of myself and may need to call my mom who lives out of state. This idea sickens me. I will do what I can to avoid it. My husband went shopping yesterday so that I would have enough food for ten days. I won’t have to leave the house—I should be able to do it. The tricky part is taking care of the dog. She may be stuck with being put out on the line instead of going for walks. It’s a generous line that spans the area of a yard. But it makes me feel guilty. She loves her walks.

I’ve canceled everything for the last six days—this makes me feel guilty too—somehow I always blame myself even when there is nothing I can do to change it. I have yet to accept my limitations.

I lay down all day long—the house is a disaster. Being up makes me sick. Eating makes me sick. Nausea and light-headedness.

I hope this particular nightmare passes soon. No one said withdrawal would be easy but at times like this I just want a way out. I might add I’ve never had a time quite like this. I know some people would say I’ve been reckless in withdrawing too quickly but at this point I’m going to see if it passes. I won’t be starting my next withdrawal for a while.

20 thoughts on “Not so good

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  1. Gianna, it sounds like you are feeling better today than when you wrote this and I’m glad. I’m glad you have a dog. My dog is in many ways my therapist and he’s certainly the cutest pshrink I’ve ever seen. Keep going.

  2. Mike, your comment is incredibly moving and inspiring. Surrender. What a beautiful concept.

    And how did you know we live in the midst of tons of clutter!!?? I’m not so sure I’ll be able to get to that, though it is of course a very good idea.

    And I will have a netflix blitz!! thanks for the idea!

    And Helen! It’s good to see you again! I’ve missed you.

  3. During those times that my wife/son have been out of town (2-3 weeks at a time) I bump my NetFlix up to 5 at a time and have a major guilt-free film festival—for several days at a time. I find that I am happier too if I can de-clutter the house… So when I do have a respite I buff out the house. I am not talking deep cleaning… just de-cluttering. It really helps (if you have the energy). Hopefully your husband can check with some phone calls… Can you play fetch with your dog or just sit while she runs around?

    Gianna, there’s a time to fight and there’s a time to surrender. The trick is knowing when to do each. A surrender for a finite period of time is just another way of fighting in my mind. It’s important that we move but there’s a time and place and your body will guide you.

    Thinking of you…

  4. You did a lot today! Yay you! Making a meal is something I do about once a week these days due to fatigue and other issues. And you wrote and you went out.

    Listen to yourself, you know yourself best.

  5. Hi Patricia,
    I have “The Mood Cure” but I lent it out. I actually have been wondering about the D and L phenylalalines but one of them really messed with me once (it can cause mania). Also, in general, amino acids don’t do much for me, but I remember one combination of the phenylalaline was supposed to be both soothing and boosting. I need to get that book back.

    As far as The Road Back. I’m aware of it, but I have a lot of guidance about withdrawing from other sources—I don’t like going with organizations who sell products for a fortune when you can get the same thing elsewhere for a fraction of the price. Also I don’t buy you can do this without withdrawal symptoms. Nope–not with my history.

    I’m doing very well in general, as far as I can tell, when I look at everyone’s stories of withdrawals I’ve heard through all the email groups I’m part of as well as the people I’ve met through this blog. It’s just a hard time and that is part of the deal.

    If you come back and want to check on which of the phenylalalines DON’T cause mania, I’d be happy for the information. I’m not sure I’m going to get my book back–

  6. G.
    I was just reading from “The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross about raising endorphins to fight pain and depression. She has a good write up about the L- and D- forms of phenylalanine. Both forms can be used to raise energy and lift depression, amplify pleasure sensations, and boost endorphins-which help with pain.
    I know you’re into supplements, so just wanted to give you this heads up.
    Also, have you ever read the info on the road back site? Good guidelines to taper off meds w/out withdraw.-
    Hope this helps!

  7. I think yes I was/am trying to push you to stay active (through willpower/discipline)when you think you can’t. I hope you didn’t/don’t take offence. I know you are in pain, to succeed I believe you have to fight the pain. I use anger to nullify pain and fatigue.

  8. I moved this afternoon. I took my dog for about a half a block of a walk and then went out and did errands with my husband. I stayed in the car, but at least I went out. And I did have an organic meal at a health food store as well. (went in for that) This is after sleeping from 7 am to 11 am then 2:30 pm to 4:30 pm today. So I have a ways to go, but I just may be seeing a tiny bit of an improvement. I literally couldn’t stand up before today for the last 6 days!! Oh I made lunch for me and my husband today too! And I wrote this piece for my blog…I’d say I had a productive day!

    My dog will give me the incentive to try everyday at least. I wish my husband wasn’t going out of town.

  9. Gianna, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I know that fatigue, on top of a med removal, it renders people lifeless, and unable to even imagine moving. Many days, my dog wanted me out walking, etc. I sat on the patio and brushed him instead. Dog liked it, and I didnt have to move. the fatigue from CFS is nothing describable. One way ive described it thought it is as if a can of soup weighs 50lbs. I do hope you can walk out your door and do what ive done the last few weeks, take a deep breath, and say “Im glad im alive”. Dont laugh, it got me through all of this, and some days [why i say dont laugh] i would open the door and sniff the air and say, “yeeah okay, glad. whatever.” but the movement and the air somehow keeps us going. have you read the child’s book “the secret garden”? about how the young boy is brought from bed to literal life by being outside and breathing the air, and he becomes strong.
    Walk the dog 15 ft. then bring the dog back and sit down and brush the dog. Then add another foot next week. But do this every day.

  10. undiagnosed,
    your encouragement means more than you can imagine having gone through it yourself and since right now it is so awful.

    It has crossed my mind to reinstate like a quarter mg. But I won’t. Because you’re right.


  11. Try to remember that every day that you make it through is one more day of withdrawal that you never have to go through again. That’s what got me through zyprexa withdrawal. I realized that if I went back on even a low dose, I was just going to have to do it all again. Rest. Eat. Pet the dog even if you don’t walk him. You are strong.

  12. oh hymes, don’t regret taking care of yourself. I’m thinking of you. I’m keeping you in mind.

    thanks ama and mark for your comments. mark, I want more than anything to walk my dog. But it’s not simply depression—I feel physically ill. I literally can’t make it down the street more than a few hundred feet and then I’m hunched over and feel like I really need to lie down.

    But I’m hoping that will pass in the next few days and that I will again be able to walk. I was walking everyday for about 20 minutes up until Tuesday and then things went south.

  13. I’m so sorry Gianna. This too will pass, but like a kidney stone…..

    Personally I feel like crap myself and this morning I did the sensible, responsible thing, so of course I already regret it like heck, I called my nephrologist and pushed up my bloodwork and my doctor’s appt. I get bloodwork tomorrow morning and my doctor’s appointment is November 1st. I’ve been telling myself all these symptoms are psychological but I know that’s my denial talking, it could very easily be my bloodwork values are off and I need some more supplements or that expensive anemia injection or some expensive kidney vitamin D. or most dreaded, dialysis again.

    Mark has a point about sleep leading to more sleep but you also have CFS, so I don’t know that it applies to you. Be kind to yourself, do what you can but don’t feel bad about what you can’t do. You are amazing and wonderful and unique. You got off neuroleptics after 20 years! You should get an award, you should be in the newspaper. And of course you feel like crap so you wouln’t be able to show up to get your award and you might not want your picture in the paper feeling like crap, but know this is how it should be if the world had its priorities straight.

  14. Staying in bed leads to more staying in bed.

    Cancelling social things that psycologically stress you out is good, don’t feel guilty for that, but I think you have to force yourself to stay physically active. Please walk the dog every day.

    What happens when you lie down? Your blood pressure drops, so if you get up you feel dizzy as your body has to compensate. It takes an hour for myself to wake up.

    From a back pain study”continuing ordinary activities within the limits permitted by the pain leads to more rapid recovery”

  15. i’m so sorry, gianna. if it’s any consolation, i’ve canceled everything for the last six months. it gets to be a lifestyle. it has its advantages. life becomes slower, more contemplative. i know you dig contemplative. 🙂

    but the constant ill-being is terrible. good wishes and hugs to you. may it pass soon soon soon.

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