Feelings, love and orgasm. Oh yeah!

Okay, so I may be feeling shitty in many ways but something more than a little interesting and quite exciting has happened as I’ve come off the last of my Risperdal. It’s not just antidepressants that rob us of romantic feelings, bonding and orgasm. Believe me, neuroleptics do it too.

When I got off the antidepressants something sexual came back, but just barely. I disappointedly assumed I just wasn’t 20 anymore. Well in the last few weeks with the last of the Risperdal leaving my system, I not only feel 20 again—I’m madly in love with my husband for the first time. Seriously. I’ve never felt such an attachment and a deep profound sense of gratitude to have found a man who loved me and loves me in spite of all we’ve had to come through together because of me. Yes, I’ve always loved him, but I was indeed blunted in the capacity for depth. That capacity has returned and let me tell you, even if I have to live with some uncomfortable feelings from time to time, nothing and nobody will ever convince me again that losing my capacity to feel deeply—emotionally and physically is a good idea.

I celebrate the joy and shit of being human now. Let’s see how much more I change for the better once I’m off the Klonopin. It too is blunting. This is mind-blowing. To be fully human again! To feel like I felt as I did as a young adult again (with additional wisdom attached!) I’m beginning to believe that wonder can return. This in spite of still having chronic fatigue as a result of the withdrawal. Look at me experiencing life. Truly experiencing it. The good and the bad. The way it should be.

Please do what you can to take care of yourself naturally. It’s simply not normal to not be able to deeply bond with a partner. It’s hard enough to keep relationships going in this world even while being able to feel our feelings throughout it all. And you wonder why the divorce rate is 90% among those diagnosed with bipolar disorder! Maybe if we could all feel we would be able to save our marriages.

Key to this process is being able to find deep compassion for my partner for the first time when in the past I felt like it was all about me. The capacity for compassion was blunted too. No more. I’ve committed myself to thinking about my husband as least as much as I think about myself. Old habits die hard, so I have some work to do.

And because I was rudely reminded by the skepticism of healthy living on Furious Seasons yesterday—believe me too when I say none of this would have been possible without radically changing my diet and nutrition. Forget “curing” and just think about living!! There is no cure for life. We suffer. We feel joy. No need to pathologize it if you’re taking care of yourself. I imagine I will always “feel” more strongly than some, but I also trust that I’ve balanced my system through healthy means to a degree in which I will simply be experiencing the depth of being human.

14 thoughts on “Feelings, love and orgasm. Oh yeah!

  1. Hi violet,
    I understand the frustration…it took me getting under 1 mg of Risperdal to be able to have orgasms again. I’m like new now at .75 mg.

    I still intend to get off the rest.

    I don’t suggest you ditch your medication though unless you are prepared to make changes that support your mental health in other ways…or talk to your doctor and see if you still need to be on it…

    It’s tough withdrawing especially after being on it for 8 years…

    If you consider coming off drugs be prepared to change your lifestyle dramatically and do lots of research…there is info on my “about” page.

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  2. hello! i am bipolar for 11 years now. i have also been on risperdal since 2000. i’m taking 1mg a day. i wonder if that dose can still rob me off my loving feelings, sexual apetite and empathy. although i feel that it does, is there something i can do to feel otherwise?

    i want to make my partner feel that i love him.

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  3. Hello everyone I am taking Risperdal and wellbutrin and was wondering if you think it stops anxiety and drive. I have also noticed I don’t get adrenaline rushes. Not that I had them all the time but for example when a car pulls out in front of me I don’t feel that rush. My libido is also not what it used to be I can’t fantasize or daydream about anything. I don’t feel as much emotion either.Does anybody know if medication could effect this and if getting off of Risperdal will make a difference.

    Steve

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  4. fascinating, Joyce! You’re a woman of many stories & writing is your salvation. I definitely think you can go off meds – as I am – and retrain your mind thru positive thinking. Great talking to you on the phone today. You’re a very talented woman & will succeed b/c of the excellent lifestyle choices you’ve made & continue to make. Best wishes!

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  5. Gianna, I am so very happy for you!!! You are helping to give me hope.

    And how ironic!!! Just today, I also felt an incredible rush of love for my husband! I am going off Seroquel, the last of the 4 Atypical Antipsychotic med’s I’ve been on in only 1 year. Each med. made me really sick; the last landing me in the hospital with borderline Diabetes, High Cortosol, POVC’s (bloodwork only, no Ultrasound Confirmation), and high liver function levels. I felt like I was dying. I think I was dying.

    I was up to 600 mg’s of Seroquel, manic, weighing 89 lbs. with my body functions failing. I started to wean myself off the Seroquel. My Psych. doc agreed, and has me going off it really fast…but then I was only on it for 2 mos. I am now at 125 mg’s. I was feeling like crap today, but suddenly I had a huge jolt of love for my husband. I then felt a sense of clarity that I haven’t had for all of these 18 years on drugs. I’ve been in a dark dreamworld of disorientation and fear. I’m in withdrawl now, but still am thinking more clearly than I have in years.

    Tonight is the first night that I made dinner for my husband. It felt so good! I want to make his life easier. I have been a successful author, and all I ever thought about was getting another book published, but unable to write, feeling worthless and miserable. I realized today that if I don’t get another book published, it will not be the end of me or my world! My world includes my dear husband and sweet 22 year old daughter.

    Both my husband and daughter have been there for me through years of hell. I had been misdiagnosed with unipolar depression for 18 yrs, with doctors trying just about every antidepressant on me that came down the road. Not one worked. It was only a year ago that I was dx’d Bi-Polar. Once on the Bi-Polar med’s I was depression free, but more manic and very ill physically and psychically.

    Today, I felt true love for the first time in all these years, and some real emotions. Not manic. Calm and clear. I am still on Klonopin, .5 mg’s 3 times a day. I got myself down from 5 times a day. I’ve never been able to get off of this med. I’ve been on it for 18 years, and am petrified of the anxiety I felt before I got on it. The anxiety caused me to make a harmful suicide attempt. So for now, I am concentrating on getting off the Seroquel, and being “nearly” drug free.

    I am so very grateful to have a husband that loves me and has stayed with me. As you have said Gianna, life is full of up’s and down’s. One thing I’ve learned is that life is always
    changing. I’ve always been afraid of change, but now I look forward to it. I hope I can help create a positive life for myself, once I wake up from the dead dreams of drugs. I am going to get a light box to help with the long winter ahead. I’m changing my diet and taking vitamins. I’m going to try and do yoga and have some quiet meditative time.

    Well, I’m rambling….I’m going to get off the computer and spend time listening to music with my musician husband!

    My best to each and everyone,
    Joyce

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  6. You can make it, Gianna! I believe in you. Keep up with the
    nutrition. Ever try niacin? It can be a help.

    Cheers!

    Alan

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  7. Gianna,
    I was actually going to write simply to congratulate you on getting off the Risperdal, then I read this. Wonderful, wonderful news. For me, this is your most inspiring post to date.

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  8. ‘Let’s see how much more I change for the better once I’m off the Klonopin.’ If you are feeling this way now, when the klonopin is a done deal, you will be head over heals. I guarantee, what you are feeling now is just the tip of the iceburge! This is such a wonderful post, Giana! You Go, Girl!

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  9. good for you for posting about love and sex, and, also, i’m so happy that you found it in you to write this celebratory post in the middle of your difficulties. very nice!

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  10. Isn’t it wonderful to feel things you thought were lost forever?When I got off of zyprexa, once I was through the months of withdrawal, my partner and I both realized I was a lot more interesting. I thought more things, said more things and felt more things. I loved her more. She loved me more. Neither of us realized what we had lost through those years until we got it back. It only got better with each subsequent drug that I ditched. It sounds like you’re doing so much better!

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  11. I found the same thing Gianna…I’m so glad you are experiencing the miracle of being able to feel again. It is unmistakeable when it happens and a certain proof that you’re on the right path, after all those times when you must have doubted it. I’m really happy for you.

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  12. SSRI’s completely took my sex drive away. I hear that now for men, they’re prescribing an ssri/viagra cocktail. Wow, now you’re making me want to start dating again;). I haven’t had the nerve since I had a psych history to disclose or hide. Getting off of klonopin was hard for me. I loved that stuff;( and I’m so glad I’m off of it. Blunting is the perfect word for what it does. Life is not an illness to be cured indeed.
    Good luck!

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