Okay, so I may be feeling shitty in many ways but something more than a little interesting and quite exciting has happened as I’ve come off the last of my Risperdal. It’s not just antidepressants that rob us of romantic feelings, bonding and orgasm. Believe me, neuroleptics do it too.
When I got off the antidepressants something sexual came back, but just barely. I disappointedly assumed I just wasn’t 20 anymore. Well in the last few weeks with the last of the Risperdal leaving my system, I not only feel 20 again—I’m madly in love with my husband for the first time. Seriously. I’ve never felt such an attachment and a deep profound sense of gratitude to have found a man who loved me and loves me in spite of all we’ve had to come through together because of me. Yes, I’ve always loved him, but I was indeed blunted in the capacity for depth. That capacity has returned and let me tell you, even if I have to live with some uncomfortable feelings from time to time, nothing and nobody will ever convince me again that losing my capacity to feel deeply—emotionally and physically is a good idea.
I celebrate the joy and shit of being human now. Let’s see how much more I change for the better once I’m off the Klonopin. It too is blunting. This is mind-blowing. To be fully human again! To feel like I felt as I did as a young adult again (with additional wisdom attached!) I’m beginning to believe that wonder can return. This in spite of still having chronic fatigue as a result of the withdrawal. Look at me experiencing life. Truly experiencing it. The good and the bad. The way it should be.
Please do what you can to take care of yourself naturally. It’s simply not normal to not be able to deeply bond with a partner. It’s hard enough to keep relationships going in this world even while being able to feel our feelings throughout it all. And you wonder why the divorce rate is 90% among those diagnosed with bipolar disorder! Maybe if we could all feel we would be able to save our marriages.
Key to this process is being able to find deep compassion for my partner for the first time when in the past I felt like it was all about me. The capacity for compassion was blunted too. No more. I’ve committed myself to thinking about my husband as least as much as I think about myself. Old habits die hard, so I have some work to do.
And because I was rudely reminded by the skepticism of healthy living on Furious Seasons yesterday—believe me too when I say none of this would have been possible without radically changing my diet and nutrition. Forget “curing” and just think about living!! There is no cure for life. We suffer. We feel joy. No need to pathologize it if you’re taking care of yourself. I imagine I will always “feel” more strongly than some, but I also trust that I’ve balanced my system through healthy means to a degree in which I will simply be experiencing the depth of being human.