I don’t feel like I’m being a very good blogger lately

I’m just not with it and I lack creativity.

I’m having serious doubts about my well-being. I realize that what I’m going through must be withdrawals and that they will pass, but that is only an intellectual construct. I’m suffering and I don’t know when it will end. Emotionally I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.

That is how I feel this very moment. Last night, though, alone in bed, as my husband is gone for two weeks, I saw that I was being given time alone to experience myself. I cried out loud for the loss of my brother and I talked to him out loud too. I wouldn’t have done that had my husband been here. It felt good and cleansing.

Sometimes it all makes sense and sometimes it seems senseless.

I didn’t go see my therapist. I haven’t left the house in three days. And I don’t want to. Jayme at Rayne’s World talks about feeling everything completely, embracing our experience. That is what I wish to do while I have this time to myself. Thanks Jayme.

16 thoughts on “I don’t feel like I’m being a very good blogger lately

  1. survivor,
    no one is going to argue here…I believe the drugs are vile as well…

    I have to say coming off drugs cold-turkey is very dangerous and I don’t recommend anyone else try that…

    there are safe suggestions and resources about coming off meds on my About page…

    cold-turkey can permanently disable people. and sometimes cause death!!

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  2. I will only say this once , i am not going to augue, the fact is anti psychotics cause phsychosis, I know i was on them and spent years of hell because of them, at first i was on anti depressents.
    The fact is people can have all sorts of crisis, they run to the doctor and the doctor wants to help.
    the doctor does not have hand in producing drugs, he trusts the scientists in the lab who have given doctors all these drugs- so the doctor prescribes anti depressents- those can cause you to go crazy in themselves and of you do while you taking them-
    you lost
    the doctor says well i tried to help you but now it seems you are getting worse- i will have to refer you to hospitial and the specialists the pyychiatrists.
    then its down hill to a living HELL!
    Trapped in anever ending circle of parania delsions voices a living hell.
    i was in that hell for years- then somehow with Gods help i realised this poison was causing all this hell
    so i forced myself to stop and Yes that is not easy Because THIS POISON IS DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU COMING BACK FOR MORE
    IT is a terrible thing to manage to come off
    but i locked myself in my room and I with Gods help managed to go cold turkey
    Thank God
    These drugs are one of the biggest crimes against humanty
    I now manage drug free
    it is not easy but it is A LIFE WITH JOY AND PAIN AND SOME HOPE AND PEACE.

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  3. It’s not easy keeping a Bipolar blog current. I just started mine 2 months ago (www.bipolarceo.com). I am Bipolar II and was diagnosed 12 years ago and have been on medication since. I have also been a CEO of 2 companies and a senior executive of 5 others. I will link to your blog as it is very interesting and inciteful. Thank you.
    The Bipolar CEO
    http://www.bipolarceo.com

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  4. I was once put on antipsychotics because I was psychotic, but the last time, no, it had nothing to do with that. And he kept upping the dose over the years mostly because I was unhappy and he didn’t know what else to do. I was on every other drug imaginable and he thought antipsychotics were a cure all I guess. I don’t know why they get used so much. My only mental health symptom now is depression and Risperdal doesn’t treat that and I don’t dare go on an antidepressant as they never helped and made me worse in many ways. I’d like to deal with my emotions now naturally, thank you. I have a good therapist. She trusts that what I’m going through is withdrawals and so does everyone else I know, including my husband who knows me best.

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  5. you got put on anti-psychotics because antidepressants were making you feel agitated???!!!! who was the fucking criminal who came up with THIS brilliant idea? psychiatric incompetence and irresponsibility are the scourge of so many lives, it boggles the mind and makes the blood boil over and pour out the ears. mine it’s trickling down my face as i speak. so, so sorry this happened to you.

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  6. Focus on right now this very moment and accept the discomfort…don’t resist or try and get away from it…everything changes eventually. Focus on the space in between things and question what goes through your mind. Is this real or is the story adding to the discomfort?
    Don’t think that if you don’t get off meds now you never will…there is a right time for everything. listen to YOUR knowing and you’ll be ok. For sure.

    Michael, the last part of your post is very wise and beautiful and it is what I’m doing. I’m sorry I was a bit reactionary to your first suggestion. But I have faith in the way I see my “illness” was mismanaged. Now that I’m educated I see all the ways my doctors screwed me. And I see how I didn’t need the meds. The anti-depressants made me agitated and that is why I was put on anti-psychotics. I’m not on antidepressants now and I’m not agitated. Anyway….I AM single minded.

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  7. Michael some of what you say is very helpful. But I will not consider staying on meds. It’s clear this is withdrawal. I’m physically ill—not so much mentally. I get sick when I eat, I’m somewhat sleepless. I am not crazy. Everyone I’ve talked to who has gone through this before has gone through something like I’m going through. It would be a mistake to back peddle now. And if you read one of the posts before this one you’ll see I never want to go back because I am in touch with feelings that make me feel human again. I feel LOVE like I haven’t in 20 years. That pisses me off. I’ve been cheated out of feeling the most important human feeling there is. Long term neuroloptic use for “bipolar’s” is a load of crap. They are dangerous and cause diabetes, heart disease and stroke. They kill people 25 years earlier than the average person. They are poison. So I will gladly wait this out.

    I don’t know if you’ve read the rest of my blog or not but to even suggest I go back on meds at this point suggests you havne’t read it. This is part of the process. It’s a shame it’s a difficult process because that is why so many people are on toxic shit that is killing them. Neuropleptics are anti-psychotics—I was not psychotic when it was prescribed. I don’t need it. It’s all a load of shit.

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  8. Be open to remaining on meds…I have tried several times to come off neuroleptics and I get to about ten-fifteen days and it is very intense. It is always a question – is this withdrawal or…symptoms of illness? Only you will know the answer but don’t struggle on too much. Being on meds doesn’t mean anything unless you make it so – anything that can help – use it and try not to judge it in a negative way. Focus on right now this very moment and accept the discomfort…don’t resist or try and get away from it…everything changes eventually. Focus on the space in between things and question what goes through your mind. Is this real or is the story adding to the discomfort?
    Don’t think that if you don’t get off meds now you never will…there is a right time for everything. listen to YOUR knowing and you’ll be ok. For sure.

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  9. me too. i sobbed alone too, yesterday. i think it’s the first time since ever. i’d say i’ve never done it before but my memory is too sucky for that. i’ll just say that i’m definitely not a sobber. and yet.

    it was free sobbing night for all of us! crying makes me always feel very headachy afterwards. not this time. this time i felt well.

    gianna, it sounds like you are going through the antechamber of hell. i hold your hand. i hold you. please feel my arms around you. we are breathing the same air.

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  10. Last night I had the wild sobbing that cleanses the soul stuff as well. At least I’m hoping it is, when it hits it hits me big time. I’m glad you have some time and space alone to do the crying, because I really do believe it is part of the healing process that allows us to move on. Especially re: deaths and tragic events. Take care.

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  11. undiagnosed…it is much the same. It can be called mindfulness meditation too if you want to go Buddhist.

    I have really bad menstrual pain too….endometriosis…wouldn’t be surprised if that is what you have too. And I do use this kind of thing with that. I wrote a piece on having had an altered mind experience when I was in pain about a month and a half ago. I suggested that I could use the same skill for emotional pain. The thing is I haven’t really cultivated it as a skill. Mindfulness takes practice. The experience I had was like grace—it came over me. I could still feel the pain, but there was no more suffering.

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  12. Hang in there Gianna. What you (and Jayme) write about sounds a lot like one of the “pain control” techniques suggested in childbirth classes, to go ahead and feel the pain and notice it in all of its detail, instead of trying to ignore it or keep it at bay. When I use this method for my (really hideous) menstrual cramps (that are so bad they have almost landed me in the emergency room), I find that the pain gets much worse at first, but then fades and I can notice other things (I haven’t given birth, so I have no idea if it would help in that context). It seems like an interesting parallel.

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