I’m doing more research on the detox facility. It bugs me that I know a lot of my readers who have gone through withdrawal are so wed to the “it takes forever and you gotta suffer real bad” theory. My experience with a whole host of other readers is that is certainly not the case for many people and they don’t even have the assistance of experts who know how to make cocktails of nutrients that make the come down easy as there would be at this facility. Also there are all the additional parts of the program—the acupuncture, the yoga, the whole food diet, counseling and an orthomolecular psychiatrist etc.
I’ve now talked to someone who’s gone through the program. This particular individual was apparently monosyllabic upon entering the program and on 2 mg of Risperdal and 80 mg of Geodon. She actually got off those two drugs in seven weeks and found it completely easy. Her mind cleared and she feels good and energetic again—she is articulate and energetic in her speech as well. She attributes the supplements and dietary changes for her stability. She’s been out of the program for three months. I should add here that it took me about a year and a half to do a comparable amount of tapering of my drugs.
I talked to the director again yesterday and felt depressed and down because I fear failure because if I risk getting my hopes up and doing the program and actually being off meds in 3 months—meaning the nightmare existence I’ve been living which puts withdrawal in the center of my life being over. If I fail my disappointment would be so great I don’t know if I could handle it. If I have to go back to thinking it’s going to take another 2 or 3 years it would simply be an incredible let down.
I started crying on the phone as I communicated this to the director of the program. He was soft and kind and said, “If I thought you would fail at the program I wouldn’t encourage you to come. How do you think everyone else staying here would feel if you are sick and miserable. This would be an equal gamble for me.” He seems sincere and he is confident I can do it. He says no one on a cocktail like mine has taken more than three months in the three years they’ve been in operation.
My husband will be home tonight. He will talk to the director in the next few days and then I will make a decision.
Also, something new I never mentioned. I stopped seeing my local therapist. She was too far away and I often couldn’t drive the distance when I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t like her manner on the phone so I didn’t have the option of phone sessions. I felt I still needed someone so I called a “famous” therapist in the consumer/survivor/ex-user movement. This is someone who is decidedly opposed to meds and also understands the emotional and physical upheaval I’m going through in the process of withdrawal—much more so than my local therapist. It feels like the best decision I’ve made since my withdrawal process started. He is wonderful, gentle and kind and very knowledgeable about all I’m going through.
He’s looked at the info I gave him on the program and was very impressed. He knows about a lot of the methods they are using at the facility and says it sounds really good. Of course he cannot give it an endorsement but he’s quite interested in my letting him know how it goes if I go through the program.
I’ve just called the director again to see if I can have an hour a week to continue therapy with my therapist while I’m there. That will play a part in my decision of whether to go or not too. I’m going through so much emotional discovery as I come off the meds I want him to be part of my process throughout the time I’m there. I’ve been numb for so long and that is the one part that isn’t addressed explicitly in the information on this program. I know that as I awake from the numbness I’m going to need support because I am grieving my whole life right now. I regret my whole adulthood. I have been numbed out for 20 years. I want to live again. I want off these fucking drugs.