My orthomolecular psychiatrist is out of the country so I followed him there. My symptoms have really not abated since I started my period. I’m dark, hostile, angry and depressed, though not in the same despairing way I was while premenstrual. That certainly made things worse. I am, however, still a complete mess.
Yesterday I cut out all the B vitamins wondering if those were stimulating me, but I still only slept less than 5 hours again last night. So I called my doctor when I woke up. He gave me a few options, none of which do I feel optimistic about. One is to stop all supplementation mostly to see if some additive ingredient is causing a problem. He does not believe the actual nutrients could be giving me an adverse effect. Second is to stop the zinc supplementation meant to balance my zinc/copper ratio. My copper was too high and high zinc will bring copper down, but initially it chelates copper out of your system which raises the blood serum level and could be giving me symptoms. If this is the problem I will have to go back on the zinc at some point but I would at least know that it would pass and that it would ultimately be short term.
The last option is to increase the Lamictal dose a bit which, frankly, makes me feel defeated. He encouraged me not to feel that way, but if that is what I have to resort to I will. Shit, it feels like I should get something out of all the suffering I’ve gone through and the prize for me would be staying on a lower dose and feeling good about it and healthy.
He also said something that rather annoyed me. He told me to get a job. I explained to him that I can’t maintain commitments, that I haven’t been able to do this for over a year and he didn’t really get it. It kind of pissed me off. He doesn’t hear me when I explain some of my symptoms. Or thinks that if I just distract myself someway they will go away. That makes me angry. I explain the great enervation and it’s like it doesn’t sink in at all. He does not get how sick I am. Anyway, I have to ignore that, but I find it terribly annoying. I don’t understand why doctors sometimes seem completely unable to truly empathize or believe what their patients are telling them. He actually got annoyed with me when I told him I couldn’t work.
Anyway. I need to forget that and do the practical things he suggested. I’m going to start by cutting out zinc because it seems to me I remember feeling worse when the woman I saw prescribed zinc and I stopped it on my own because it was just one thing I added and it was easy to figure out that it was making me feel bad. The thing is she didn’t tell me it could do that. He did tell me that but I forgot and there are so many variables because I started several new things that I just didn’t know what to pinpoint.
I hope that takes care of it, although if that is the problem I will have to go back on it and suffer for sometime as that is the only way in the long run to lower the copper which is too high. Cross that bridge when I get there.
Lastly, I have to wonder how much of this might be the underlying me? That’s a very confusing issue. I’ve never been like this in my life. Never. I’m talking mostly the hostility. I have to stay away from my husband a good part of the time because I’ve become downright abusive. And I’ve gotten in shit with strangers at stores. And I lose it if I drop something in the house. It’s out of control rage. My therapist thinks it could in part be underlying stuff. Not pathology, in terms of “chemical imbalance,” but psychological stuff from childhood. The internalization of my ugly, abusive, father. Lovely to think that maybe I’ve turned into the prick my father was. The only consolation in that is that I can see that I’m a prick and he never could. That suggests there is hope for me.
Anyway it’s all too much. I’m so sick of it.
I’ll go off the supplements in the next few days and if I don’t find a problem there then I’ll increase Lamictal by 25 mg for some unspecified amount of time. Damn.
You know I’m always telling people who write comments here to increase their dose when they’re suffering. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to take my own advice. Though I do see people again and again refusing that advice. It’s an interesting thing to note about us. Once we decide we want off these drugs we’re willing to suffer—but the question is how much suffering is necessary and how much do we impose on ourselves by not taking it more slowly. To me it’s a conundrum because I honestly don’t know if dragging it out and suffering a bit less, relatively less, for a longer period of time is worth it. Maybe it’s just better to suck it up and get my ass through the tough shit. And no one really knows the truth. So I think that is what we are always balancing. Suffering a lot for a shorter time or suffering somewhat for a very god damn long time. This has been going on on some level for a very very long time with no clear end in sight. I guess it may be possible to slow down so much that I have no symptoms. But I know that would mean basically extending it another several years. How does one come to terms with that? But even then I don’t believe the chronic fatigue will pass until all the drugs are out of my system, because I’m quite sure the drugs themselves are part of what is making me sick. There are simply no easy answers.