My “spells” of agony

I have “spells” mostly in the middle of the night and often first thing in the morning in which I experience an agony so profound and it can last for hours. I don’t think of them much after they are over but I have a deep fear of going to bed even though they by no means happen every day. Today I asked Daniel what I say during these spells because I don’t remember them…all I remember is a vague sense is horror and the feeling of trauma that remains afterward, coloring my world these days.

He said I say I hurt all over, I’m very nauseous, my head hurts and I’m profoundly weak…the vague recollections I have is a sort of horrible darkness that descends over me and I can not get up and all I can do is squirm and lay in the fetal position. I know I experience them as very traumatic and I think that is why I don’t remember them clearly—I block them out—or there is simply no words to articulate such an experience. I literally forget everything and that is why I can’t keep a journal lately, though I think it could be very helpful.

I can not track my experience. Whether it’s a cognitive problem or something else I don’t know…

And then I have great moments of clarity too. Like today and yesterday. Yesterday I was interviewed for a radio program and today I went out to meet a friend for a cup of tea. I actually felt good for the first time in a couple of weeks.

9 thoughts on “My “spells” of agony

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  1. Congrats on the radio show AND the fact you were able to get out and meet a friend for tea. There are so many people that would never understand what a huge deal that is – to get out and meet someone for something so simple, but it is so meaningful in the healing process. I hope that, little by little, these “spells” dissipate (actually it would be nice if they just stopped abruptly but that doesn’t seem to be how our withdrawals work), and one day you may never remember them, and that very well could be our body’s and brain’s natural way of healing. Keep remembering, like we all have to, that you are an overcomer.

  2. I was just reading about autism on the Vitamin D Council’s website, but noticed they had articles on mental illness too. Research to back it up. I was surprised to read that an adult male could take 5,000 mgs. without toxicity. How much are you taking, perhaps with your calcium at night, to help your sleep?

    On another note completely, have you thought of re-visioning the word “spell” and working a spell for sweet dreams? Reading something lovely/devotional before bed, lighting a candle, trying to program your dreams for the positive or visionary, that kind of thing.

    See…now that I’ve finally subscribed, I’ll get to be more of a pest here 😀

  3. Gianna, thanks for writing about your “spells,” both agony and clarity. I have those, too, but especially used to experience them when I woke up to find myself in a mental hospital. Both kinds of spell were somehow more real than what was actually going on and somehow allowed me to keep faith in myself.

  4. Congratulations on the show, my dear.

    From my experience, I find I cannot remember things that have happened, that I’ve said, or for the most part, how I felt when I am in a different mood. Being Manic-Depressive, it means that most of the time I cannot recall almost half of my life.

    I have been at my CBT’s office, feeling down one week and the next time, if I’m better, I will not remember what happened during the previous visit. It is a bit like an emotional black-out, which is a challenge.

    I am rapid cycling right now, so stringing together an entire week is impossible. I actually got one of those little recorders that Susan mentioned. It was just before I started my blog and my mind was on serious over-drive!

    I was in love with words and wanted to keep a list of the ones that inspired me, a list of names, be able to record my rapid thoughts, to….well, I couldn’t figure out to operate the little bastard! It’s somewhere in the landfill of my room.

    Try the recorder, if you are curious, concerned or think it may be of help. I trust you will make the right choice, but sound it off Daniel first. He is your support and may have added insight to the idea of you hearing what you cannot remember.

  5. Therein lies the most frustrating aspect of mental trauma. That when I go to remember and perhaps heal it, the mind is blank and numb.

    It’s a puncture wound that penetrates, barely visible, little blood, just deep throbbing pain. Pain inexpressible. I am left stammering at the doctor’s office, recklessly blaming others with my friends, silent when talking to a mentor, but screaming when I am alone. So much to say about something so vague yet meaningful to me.

    Thankfully I have found that all the crap in the past does not need to be remembered in order for healing to occur.

    I’m reading Creating Optimism by Bob Murray. It is very solid and helpful for me.

    Thank you for this blog!

  6. What you describe sounds very similar to how it feels when you first come out of a major surgery…waking up from the anethesia and morphine haze. I’ve had two major surguries and the trauma sounds very similar to what I experienced. (I also don’t remember what I said or did, but other people told me).

  7. Gianna, I feel for you and understand, I have a micro-cassette recorder that is by the bed on the night table, and if I get ideas in the middle of the night, I will dictate them in there. It’s been a life saver, I get a lot of good ideas in the middle of the night.

    Congrats on the radio show! Let us know when it airs or is podcasted!

  8. YAY for the good days! and I understand exactly about the waking up with agony. I believe it is an emotional healing that is necessary when we have been through all that we have, in order to able us to move on, we must know and embrace where we came from, to truly live the present. It’s what I am working on.

    Congrats on having a radio program interview, you go girl!

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