I have “spells” mostly in the middle of the night and often first thing in the morning in which I experience an agony so profound and it can last for hours. I don’t think of them much after they are over but I have a deep fear of going to bed even though they by no means happen every day. Today I asked Daniel what I say during these spells because I don’t remember them…all I remember is a vague sense is horror and the feeling of trauma that remains afterward, coloring my world these days.
He said I say I hurt all over, I’m very nauseous, my head hurts and I’m profoundly weak…the vague recollections I have is a sort of horrible darkness that descends over me and I can not get up and all I can do is squirm and lay in the fetal position. I know I experience them as very traumatic and I think that is why I don’t remember them clearly—I block them out—or there is simply no words to articulate such an experience. I literally forget everything and that is why I can’t keep a journal lately, though I think it could be very helpful.
I can not track my experience. Whether it’s a cognitive problem or something else I don’t know…
And then I have great moments of clarity too. Like today and yesterday. Yesterday I was interviewed for a radio program and today I went out to meet a friend for a cup of tea. I actually felt good for the first time in a couple of weeks.