The pressure to publish

The blog is getting more and more popular. This makes me feel more responsibility to post something at least every couple of days. Then I worry about quality…

This will be a simple update sans to much creative impulse.

I am suffering again from that debilitating fatigue that the Lamictal withdrawal caused the first time around. It’s a deep, profound enervation. It feels weird and unnatural. My mood and sleep are fine though so I still see this phase as a vast improvement over the past.

I’m feeling like “something” is happening. It feels hopeful and spiritual. I still suffer, but I have more trust and faith that it will not all come to not.

I’m going home on Saturday. I’m homesick for the place I’ve lived the last five years even while I never want to leave California, my home of 38 years. It pains me really. Someday I hope to return to California with my husband and then it will be home again. Now without my husband, house, and pets it is an incomplete facsimile of the place I once called home. But I mourn every time I think of leaving it and being away. If there is one thing I learned by (voluntarily) moving away it’s that I am a Californian to the bone. My heart will always be here. I am open to making a life elsewhere though, but I know I have to complete my recovery before I can make roots anywhere else.

Anyway….I have a brand new feeling that the world is my oyster, so I also feel like anything might happen. Possibility. Magic. And no I’m not out of my mind. I still feel plenty shitty a good part of the time and hopelessness runs through my mind still like when I was doubled over in pain the last few days. It’s just a subtle sense of faith.

7 thoughts on “The pressure to publish

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  1. I am constantly working to lead a life that my family and friends can emulate. I wnat them to be able to say I was a pretty good person. Someone they could feel proud to have known.
    I was diagnosed in November 2006 and have been learning my capabilities since then. Lamictal has been a great leveler for me. I spent about 55 years of my life without professional help because my symptoms were quite mild most of the time.
    A narcissistic crisis in August 2006 precipitated 12 months of therapy which enabled me to face my life. I desperately wanted to change and with the help of my therapist I was able to release the bitterness and selfishness and narcissitic behavior that I had fallen into. I have completed 160,000 words of a book that I am writing that details my journey. It has been previewed by a professional ghost writer and may be published if I can figure out how to avoid hurting those who love me. I am truly sorry for hurting many people who trusted me.
    With the help of lamictal, I have changed my life. I know it will take time for others to trust me again. That’s what keeps me going.
    I truly believe that a continuing strong desire will help me and others who suffer this illness to succeed. If there are failures then we just have to begin again. My best wishes to all who read these blogs. Hope you can wish me the same.

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  2. So great to hear this Gianna. You have a great deal of strength and endurance, by anyone’s standards, and I agree that it’s how we act in the face of difficult feelings that indicates our sanity, not the absence of said feelings. Love, Zoe.

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  3. Hey! that’s just the way I feel about TX ;-)!
    & as much as we eagerly anticipate your updates, don’t sweat the small stuff…
    (we’ll still be here)

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  4. I think it is cool you have such a connection to CA, that you know where you should be when the time comes again. I appreciate that.

    I’m so glad it is otherwise going so well, except for the fatigue. You seem to have the mental reserves to battle it.

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  5. Subtle faith is good.
    It’s still inside you – it never left.

    Don’t sweat the blog – we’re not going anywhere.
    Want to see you feel better.

    You’ll crack that oyster open – you’ll see –

    Duane

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